Ellie Skees - A new day...

Happy Birthday, Ellie!

2010-09-29T04:24:00.000-06:00

I can hardly believe that today Ellie would be turning 12. It is so hard to imagine sometimes, when in our minds she will be forever 9. But then we look around and see Ellie's friends who are now as tall as I am, and the realization hits that she would be different at this age than what we remember.

Just the other day, John was looking through old documents on his computer and he came across something I wrote about Ellie when she was 5 - long before she was ever sick. The Today Show was doing a contest. They were promoting a Martina McBride song (click on the title of this blog entry to go to the song) and wanted mothers to submit essays on their daughters. I never sent mine in. I guess I figured that in the world of children, no one would find anything terribly remarkable about mine. Everyone thinks that their children are amazing, so I just wrote it up and forgot about it. I never even showed it to John. When John found it all these years later, what struck me was that this was simply my own thoughts on what my sweet Ellie meant to me when there was no cancer looming dark on the horizon... no thoughts of losing her to color my opinions with the rose colored glasses of motherly grief. This is what I wrote:

"As I watched Martina McBride perform 'In My Daughter’s Eyes' on the Today Show, I cried while I thought about my five-year old daughter, Ellie. That was the first time I had heard the song, and I was struck by such a truthful portrayal of a daughter’s love. I have been so blessed by my daughter’s life. I know that I am supposed to be the mom, but Ellie has taught me so much! She is such a loving, imaginative, and articulate little girl. Some days Ellie wants to be a ballerina or a decorator when she grows up, but more often than not, she wants to be a mom just like me. Ellie constantly challenges my view of the world with her perceptiveness and her own unique form of logic. One day she told me that she would help me decorate when I am on TV like all of the decorators that I enjoy watching. (As if it is a foregone conclusion that I will be on TV one day.) When I attempted to explain that the decorators on TV know so much more about decorating than I do, and have much more experience, Ellie’s answer stunned me. She said 'they all had to start somewhere, didn’t they Mom?' Ellie also shows such a depth of love for everyone that she cares about. When I apologize for being grouchy with her, Ellie is quick to say 'It’s o.k., Mom, I love you. You are such a good mommy.' She is also wonderful about coming to me to confess any wrongs on her part. She will show me things that she has done that she could have easily hidden, and she will often come back to me, even a day later and say 'I’m sorry that I didn’t obey you right away when you told me to get ready for bed last night.' Every day I feel so blessed that God gave me the love of such a special little girl, and I realize that while I am trying to teach and guide her, I am actually being taught the most of all."

I found something else that I wrote even longer ago - twelve and a half years, to be exact. I was sorting through boxes of things that had been stored here when we were in Montana, and I came across the baby book that I wrote in when I was pregnant with Ellie. On page after page, I wrote in a way that only an expectant mother can... I poured out my hopes and dreams for the future. One particular page stood out to me above all of the rest...

Thursday, March 19, 1998
"Our fourth anniversary! It's hard to believe that four years have already gone by. On this day, especially, my heart is overflowing. John and I have had the most wonderful four years together and now God has blessed us with a baby. It just seems too good to be true! This evening as I am surrounded by my wonderful family, it seems that God is too good to me. I look around the table and I see loved ones on all sides. I hope that this tiny life growing inside me will inherit wonderful traits from each person - both through genetics and later, through imitation. Surely one heart cannot take so much love. Maybe this new little beating heart will somehow sense it and grow to learn that the more you love, the more love you have to give. If I could have only one wish for this baby, it would be that she would love people with all of her heart!"

As I continued to look through the boxes of things, I started going through pages and pages of Ellie's art work and writings. One of the papers I found in the box was something Ellie wrote. It said "I like to help other pople. I like to rite and to dro. I like to seng songs and make things and deckorate. I love my famillie. The end." The one thing that God chose to bless her with, over and above all of Ellie's special qualities, was an extra big capacity to love. He filled her up to overflowing with the kind of love that I dreamed for her when her own heart was just starting to beat. In the grand scheme of things, Ellie's 9 years were like the blink of an eye, but she spent them wisely. She loved to the fullest.

Today I just miss her. Really I miss her everyday, but today I choose to really focus on all of the quirky, lovable, and crazy things that made her my Ellie girl. She could push my buttons so hard that I wanted to scream, and then turn around in the next breath and love me so sweetly that my heart hurt. She was complicated and lovely and funny and wise. And I REALLY really miss her. Badly. I would give anything to have her here again, rearranging my house and throwing glitter on the floor. Or insisting that we light a candle at the dinner table even when the meal was thrown together on paper plates. Or patiently teaching her little brother how to play a computer game (and then locking him out of her room because he is a pesky little brother, after all). Or snuggling with her daddy on the sofa. Or snuggling with ME on the sofa!

Then I realize that Ellie's reality is not mine. I miss her, but just for me. For Ellie, there is no more pain... no more tears... only joy and love and peace that have no end. So I guess God's birthday present gets to trump mine... again. Drat. I can't compete with that.

Please vote for this idea!!

2010-09-08T20:09:00.004-06:00

Hi guys! I just wanted to write to ask you all to vote for something through Pepsi's website. If this idea wins, they will get $250,000 to spend on Neuroblastoma!

Here's the overview:
"Arms Wide Open Childhood Cancer Foundation is working closely with scientists, researchers and doctors who are pioneers in the pediatric cancer field, who are on the forefront of bringing many alternative therapies into clinic which could prolong the lives of children diagnosed with Neuroblastoma until a cure is funded. Right now only 30% of children diagnosed with Neuroblastoma will survive, but because it is an "orphan" cancer, research funding is limited as pharmaceutical companies do not see the efforts as profitable. Recognizing that children should not be viewed as a profit, but, rather, our investment, Arms Wide Open raises money for alternative therapies and actual treatments these children so desparately need in order to survive."

So please go to the website (click on the title of this post) everyday and vote! You can also vote via text every day:
Text 102653 to Pepsi (73774)

Thanks so much!

Facebook ate my blog!

2010-07-05T18:49:00.003-06:00

6 months!! It's been SIX months since I've given you a decent update. I could tell you how busy I've been and how all of the weeks and months just blur together like one big lump of time. But I choose to blame Facebook. It is just soooo easy to throw out a quick one liner every so often than to think of a real update. Even though it's been so long, I don't feel like I have much to say. John is sweating his body weight daily in this Florida heat. I work a lot of hours, but LOVE my job so much! My boss is really great and there are constantly new ways for me to be challenged. Ethan is enjoying his summer and will be starting first grade all too soon!

I have a friend who wants to come over and take photos of the house, so when she does, I will post those. I would tell you that I could just go around and snap some photos to post, but we all know that would be a lie... sorry.

I will try to do better about getting on and giving you updates. I truly have not meant to go this long without checking in. If you are on facebook, please friend me, and at least that way you will hear from me a bit more frequently.

For now, I will leave you with today's FB post:

Sarah Skees is following dry slime trails around Ethan's room to find his pet slug that got loose sometime in the night. Long story... But the short story is I am NOT amused. Slugs do not make good pets.

M.G: LOL LOL!!!!

K.S.:Oh no Sarah! That is so yuk. We have those things outside and they are gross. I have to constantly tell my kids not to even think about touching them.

Sarah Skees:I have no idea what possessed me to allow such a thing. The funny part is that Ethan wouldn't even dream of touching it. When he realized it was lose in his room, it was all he could do not to throw up. After hyperventilating over a bucket for about 10 minutes, he is now safe on the sofa watching a movie - but the bucket and cold washcloth are close at hand...

T.W.: I'm....sorry....hahahaha! No, really I am but it is funny. I never thought he'd take me up on the offer to put it in a jar....and I figured it would live outside on the porch. Ummm, how exactly did the slug unscrew the lid and escape?

D.L.: Oh that is too funny. Did you find the slug? And I have to know also how did the slug come to unscrew the lid and escape?

Sarah Skees: Well... I was caught between feeling badly for the slug in the jar, and the little boy with big blinky blue eyes who desperately wanted a pet. To stall until John got home, we put some grass in the jar, turned it on it's side, and connected it to another jar with a plastic bag duct taped to each jar, with holes for air. I figured we'd deal with it today, but in the meantime I wouldn't feel like we were being cruel to the creature. My plan was to convince Ethan that slugs don't make good pets. Half an hour ago, Ethan sadly shook his head and said "slugs don't make good pets." See? I'm brilliant! BTW, the holes were very small, but the overlap in the plastic that wasn't completely duct taped, not so much...

D.L: I see where and whom is to blame now but did you ever find the blessed slug?

Sarah Skees: No, slug is still MIA. I am currently trying to bait him with a dish of flour/sugar water (self rising flour because I have no yeast). Beer would be better, but alas, I have no beer...

Sarah Skees: Ethan is on the sofa and I am on the bed... our feet are up off the floor and we are waiting for John to come home. :-)

D.L: If I was in Florida I would come to your rescue but I would probably not be of any good because I would be laughing too much. T.W., you need to go fix this - you do realize that this one is on you! happy slug hunting. lolololol

Sarah Skees: Thanks D.L.! It's nice to be rescued in spirit... the thought does count, you know! :-)

Sarah Skees: I'm happy to report that "Syd" the slug has been found... by Ethan. Ethan is currently sitting on my lap shuddering over and over because he accidentally touched it. Syd was curled up inside a box of legos (that Ethan moved to the living room to escape any possibility of running into Syd) and was found when Ethan reached in to pull out a lego. This is the stuff of nightmares for this little 7 year old boy! And now... he wants a Catfish. Heaven help us all!

J.H: Wow...you seriously might want to consider a dog...MUCH less drama! :0)

D.L.:Sarah Just get the poor boy a puppy and everything will work out.

R.D: Ohhhhhh!! That would just be the beginning of a world of woes!

V.A.: The puppy would have found and disposed of the slug for you too! No fish for pets...they either die too easily or live forever. We had Methusafish. Stupid goldfish we won at a school fair when we living in a hotel because our house was being fixed after the Northridge earthquake of 1994. We went home to our dual rooms that already housed four ... See Morepeople and a 60lb dog with three fish. One was dead in the morning. One last a few days and the last one, with a life expectancy of 6 months, last NINE years. NINE YEARS!!! I kept having to get him a bigger bowl. And how big a bowl does a catfish need? I did see a show on Dogs 101 on Animal Planet about 2 families that share a dog. maybe you know someone that would do with you! But the slug story is too funny!!!

Sarah Skees: John and Ethan are re-locating the slug to a pile of dead leaves in the back yard as we speak!

So, see what you're missing by not having me as a friend on Facebook? :-)

Nancy Mankins Hamm: The BLook Club...

2010-01-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Nancy Mankins Hamm: The BLook Club...

Check out the latest on my Mom's blog!

We are still alive... barely.

2010-01-09T10:03:00.002-07:00

Thanks so much for all of the sweet comments and well-wishes. We managed to make it through the 19th and Christmas and New Years. I was sick for most of that time and since then I've been busy with work. Today is house cleaning/un-decorate for Christmas day... Ugh. I'm so tired and would much rather just sit here at the computer watching the hours tick by. But, alas, there are almost no clean clothes left in the house and the dust bunnies are about to stage a coup. I'm seriously contemplating waving the white flag before the war ever starts... sigh.

2 Years

2009-12-19T08:07:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling a bit light on words today, so I thought I would go heavy on pictures.

Late last night, Ellie's great-grandma, Agnes, joined her in the presence of God. This photo was taken a few years ago...

This is one of my favorites... Ellie and Loretta in a moment of pure joy...

And this is the little devilish side coming out:

Here is another favorite photo. It was taken with a phone, so the quality is a little poor, but I love it because she was looking at her Uncle Nick. This was her special "Uncle Nick look".

In keeping with the crazy-Ellie theme I've been on for a week or so, this one just makes me smile!

And, finally, one of the most special memories, Ellie with her Uncle Chad. She made this welcome sign for him, and when Chad arrived, she hugged him like she would never let him go.

Here's a few photos from the past several months...

I will leave you with this last photo. It was taken just a couple of nights ago at Ethan's school Christmas program. These are two of Ellie's very best friends. Aubrey Myers, in the middle, is one year younger than Ellie would have been. On the right is Alex Corley who was 4 months younger than Ellie. These two girls were always by Ellie's side. I had to show how tall they are, so I took off my high heels to get this photo. I figure that Ellie would not have been that tall. Both of these girls come from tall parents, but I love seeing these girls and imagining how Ellie would look at 11. And I just love them. Every time they see me, they hug me, and this mama's heart is soothed and comforted. Aubrey gave us some flowers today with a letter about how much she misses Ellie and loved her and I am reminded that we are not the only ones who have tears on our faces today.

Aubrey and Alex, I love you so much and am very proud of the beautiful, sweet young ladies you are becoming! Ellie loved you with all of her heart and she would be proud too...

Circle of Life

2009-12-14T18:02:00.005-07:00

I just wanted to put out an update to ask for prayer. John's Grandma Agnes out in Montana is not doing well. It looks like she might get to see Ellie soon... We know that she has been longing for Heaven for quite some time, so this is a bitter-sweet time. Our prayer right now is for God to take her quickly and with minimal pain and trauma. We would also love prayer for Loretta, Reni, and Belinda - for strength and wisdom - as they care for Grandma. Belinda just flew out to Montana. Also, please pray for all of the family who are too far away to be there.

Can you believe that Saturday will be two years since Ellie died? Wasn't it just a few months ago? Two whole years without our little warrior princess... Somehow it just doesn't seem possible. Loretta was talking the other night about this funny face that Ellie would make when she knew that she was going to get her way on something that she totally shouldn't be getting. I can't even describe it, but it was cunning and endearing all at the same time. I've been remembering a lot lately about that funny side of Ellie... how she was equal parts sweetness and willfulness. Towards the end of her life, Ellie started making a joke about her blind left eye. When she wanted to be really ornery, she would close the good eye and "stare" with all of her might at you with her left eye. Someone finally caught on to what she was doing and indignantly asked "what are you doing? Are you giving me the dead eye?" Ellie laughed so hard at that, and giving the dead eye became her favorite pastime. She had the strangest, funniest sense of humor. I can picture like it was yesterday how Ellie would watch "Night at the Museum" and get so tickled over something that she would sit up and slap her leg with her hand and then repeat the line like she was hearing it for the first time.

Two years later, we find ourselves remembering our joyful, comical, and loving little maniac, and I can almost see her sitting by her great grandma's bed, shaking her head over all that we don't know, just waiting to take Agnes by the hand and show her the wonders of eternity. I would love to tag along for just a minute and get a peek, but that exasperating child just rolls her eyes at me and gives me her perfected, I-may-only-be-a-child-but-on-the-inside-I'm-all-grown-up look, and her eyes sparkle over this ultimate secret that she gets to hold over my head for the rest of my life. It figures that Ellie would get to have all the answers before the rest of us. She wouldn't have it any other way!

Ethan's Birthday!

2009-12-06T11:33:00.003-07:00

Today Ethan turns seven! I can't believe that we started this journey together when Ethan was only three... soon-to-be-four. We had a party for him yesterday, so I will post some photos soon.

We are currently decorating the Christmas tree. (I am taking a quick break while John is vacuuming under the tree. It could be a while.) We usually do the tree on the day after Thanksgiving, but things have been busy with work, and quite frankly, I don't think I was ready for it until now. Both John and I have had a hard time getting ourselves geared up to take on the whole festive season. We do want to keep our traditions alive for Ethan, and even though it's bitter-sweet for us, we do enjoy Christmas and all that goes along with it. We also know that Ellie would want us to make it fun and special. Decorating with lights and all things Christmassy was one of Ellie's favorite things!

Well, the vacuuming noises in the other room have stopped, so I think that's my cue. I'll be back soon with pictures!

Sheepish check-in

2009-11-24T19:46:00.002-07:00

I have been away so long that I hardly know what to say! I have been so busy that I feel like I've hardly been able to come up for air. My first 90 days of work is officially over! Can you believe it? In some ways it feels like I just started working yesterday, and in other ways it feels like forever. Every day I feel more confident in what I know, but that seems to be followed by an onslaught of things that make no sense at all. I guess that's a good thing because I'm beginning to see that I'll never get bored. No matter how busy or overwhelmed I get, I'm finding that I never dread going in to work each day and at the end of the day there's such a feeling of contentment. Some aspects of my job push me out of my comfort zone (like today - I jumped in the car and drove into the heart of Orlando, and even with my GPS I managed to get lost at least twice) but many other things harmonize so completely with who I am that I just have to pinch myself...

Emotionally, this is the season that hits us the hardest. Every time I catch that "whiff" of Christmas on the horizon, my heart sort of catches a bit and I have to try not to lose myself in the wave of sadness that follows. I tend to cry a very tiny bit every day on the way to or from work (or both) when I'm listening to music. John has been doing pretty well, but he was hit hard just the other day by a tidal wave of grief. That is our way... I eke my grief out in steady little increments while John either has blue skies or a tsunami. Ethan has been doing well. I've just noticed that he's been talking a lot more about Ellie over the past few weeks. It's like our psyches are somehow pre-programmed to feel Ellie more during this season even when we aren't looking for it.

Thank you so much for your patience with my lack of posting. I haven't meant to stay away so long. I feel like I'm always working or catching up on home stuff or relaxing and recharging for the next day's work... it's a never ending cycle! I will try to check in more often.

I hope that you are all doing well and looking forward to a special Thanksgiving with family and friends! I am so thankful for you all!!

Mom's website

2009-11-07T20:47:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that Mom has been having some technical difficulties with her website. She was not receiving emails from people who had entered the new contest. The problem is now fixed, so for those of you who entered the contest, you will need to re-enter and Mom will send you an email back confirming that she got it.

Also, I thought that you would like to know that the winner of the last contest was Ethan's kindergarten teacher from school last year in Montana! We thought that was so wonderful!! We love you Mrs. Stephens!

Nancy Mankins Hamm

2009-11-01T11:14:00.002-07:00

The winner of Mom's first contest on her website has been posted! Click on the title of this post to go check it out and see if you won... If you didn't win, there is a new contest starting up. Have fun, and good luck! :-)

Thank you all for the good response to Mom's new book and website. I'm happy to say that Mom got quite a few hits from people who had come from this blog! Thanks for participating and helping to make her new website a success. It means a lot to me.

hi...

2009-10-24T17:44:00.002-06:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been posting lately. I have been so busy. Even now I just don't have much to say, but I just had to at least let you know that we are still alive. We have been mostly just busy with work (and Ethan with school). Our weeks are falling into a routine...

Alarms go off earlier than I ever knew was possible and John and I spend about 15 minutes drinking coffee on the sofa and catching up. Then John leaves to get an early start for work while I get ready, wake Ethan up and get him ready for school. I drop Ethan and our neighbor's son off at school around 7:45 and drive about 40 minutes to work. John's parents pick Ethan up at noon, and then John gets him when he's done working (anywhere from early to late afternoon depending on the day). I arrive home anywhere from 6:00 to 7:00p.m. By the time the weekend rolls around, the house is a mess and there are countless loads of laundry to catch up on. Then there's church on Sunday. And then it's Monday morning again. I'm sure that only three days have gone by sometimes, and it turns out to be two weeks!

So that's the short version... I will write more later, but as you can tell, I'm tired. I miss you guys...

An update from Chad and Janeene

2009-10-07T20:56:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to pass along an update from my brother, Chad and his family...

Our little family of 4 will not be able to observe Columbus Day this year, but will move from the 11^th to the 13^th of October. How can this be, you may be wondering--do we own some sort of time machine? Not exactly, but we will be traveling through time in a large winged metal tube at a high altitude to skip October 12^th.And in the spirit of Mr. Columbus, we will be crossing an ocean, though at a much greater clip than his clippers ever could (OK, so maybe they weren’t clipper ships, but it makes for a better pun…).

That’s right—we are flying back to PNG in less than a week! We will be leaving the USA on Sunday the 11^th(just shy of midnight from LA, to be exact), and will cross the international date line during our 14 ½- hour flight to Sydney, Australia, landing there the morning of the 13^th! Then on to Brisbane, then Cairns (all in Australia) for a couple of nights. After 37-plus hours of travel (about 24 in planes and the rest in airports), we will try to catch a bit of extra sleep in Cairns before leaving for PNG on the morning of the 15^th. By the beginning of the following week, Lord willing, we will be back in our village home again, ready to resume our ministry there!

Please pray for us as we travel. Although I think we’re now past the need for wearing bathrobes on the airplane (knock on wood), the challenges of transoceanic travel with 2 active boys (almost 5 and almost 2) still warrant some extra prayer for their parents! Add to that the usual adjustments and also for continuing strength and stamina as we leave the flat pavement and hit the uneven muddy mountain trails again.

We cannot leave the US without first acknowledging all of you and the incredible blessing you’ve been to us through these difficult circumstances through your prayers, support and encouragement.

To recap the situation for you, 7 months ago (in February), Chad began feeling some pain while we were in the village. This pain then worsened over the next several months despite taking a long course of several antibiotics. We were able to push through until the end of May, when we came out a bit early for a scheduled translation check of Romans (which went well, praise God) to see the doctor at our mission center. At that time, it was necessary for us to return to the US. The months of June and July were largely spent seeing doctors and looking for answers. During one of these visits, a small tumor “just happened to be” found in Chad’s bladder which was malignant. We praise God that he enabled the doctor to find and then remove it by surgery on July 1^st.

Shortly after this first surgery, we were able to continue seeking answers for this mysterious pain. A neurosurgeon evaluated Chad and put him on some strong medications and steroids which led to no improvement and so we went back to our family doctor in Sanford. He then referred us to a specialist who “just happened to be” one of only 2 in the country and 4 in the world who has performed the type of nerve surgery needed to help Chad’s pain. He also “just happened to be” the only one in the world using a new robotic system to perform the surgery in a more non-invasive and precise manner. And then, he “just happened to be” located a 2 hours’ drive from where we’ve been staying!!! Do you see the “coincidences” just piling up one after the other here? Hmm, looks like the loving hand of God to us…

So after consulting with this specialist, we had (and still have) no answers to the cause, but now finally had a course of action to deal with the problem—surgery to stop a rogue nerve from firing in an endless cycle of pain. Early in August, Chad’s second surgical procedure, a nerve block, was more of a test to see how helpful the main surgery might be. Although results were inconclusive (and somewhat painful), we were convinced that we should still proceed with the main nerve surgery on Aug. 24^th.

When Chad underwent this 3^rd surgery of the summer, he was one of only 200 in the world to have it, and only the 32^nd patient to undergo this doctor’s specific robotic nerve microdissection and cauterization to stop the pain. And we are pleased to tell you that the surgery was a success in ending the constant pain!! Wow, what a gift from God that has been!

Chad’s fourth and final surgery in the space of 2 months (the beginning of Sept.) was on his right knee, which had been injured back in April. The arthroscopic procedure cleaned up some damaged cartilage behind his kneecap and also took out some torn pieces of meniscus. And that surgery has been an overall success, too, with just some exercise needed to continue to rehab and strengthen the knee and lower back and core. These exercises are beginning to pay off as Chad feels progressively better on a daily basis.

Though we would never choose to go through an ordeal like this again, God has graciously brought us through this, and our family is ready to sacrifice October 12^th this year and maybe a few hours of rest along the way in our eagerness to rejoin our co-workers and friends in Toboland.

Enjoy Columbus Day without us, and you’ll hear from us on the other side!!

Chad, Janeene, Elijah, & Zekey

Tomorrow...

2009-09-28T19:08:00.002-06:00

Ellie would have turned 11. It is so hard to imagine because she has been forever frozen at 9. All around us, Ellie's friends have turned into long-legged pre-teens. They have one foot in the make-believe world of children while the other presses forward into grown-up land. In many ways Ellie already experienced some of that kind of split personality. Just before she died, Ellie told me that she wanted to decorate her bedroom in horses. By the next day she had completely changed her mind and decided on black and white photos with candles on shelves. Simple and elegant. She was dreaming of boyfriends and weddings, but couldn't resist the pull of her Barbies and baby-dolls. So I suppose the image of Ellie at 11 isn't so difficult to conjur... but therein lies the rub. I miss the 11 year old Ellie that I never got to know. Tonight we went through hundreds of old photos of the kids at various stages. We laughed at the funny chipmunk-cheek pictures of Ellie at two, and marveled at what a loving big sister she was at four. There were a few photos that I just wanted to jump right into and live all over again. But mostly I wanted the pictures to keep going so that I could watch Ellie change from 9 to 10... and to 11.

So tomorrow I will wear the bracelet that Ellie made for me when we went together to a bead shop years ago. I will try not to cry on the way to work... at work... and on the way home from work. Maybe working will help somehow. I don't really know. I just know that right now I am so sad. Not because my firstborn is no longer a little girl who is growing up too fast... I'm sad because she never will grow up. I won't get to take her shopping for her first bra or teach her how to apply makeup. Or help her plan her wedding. I'm not sad for Ellie. She got to die so innocent and sweet. I'm just sad for me... for the things that I will miss.

But God is ever loving and tender with me. This weekend I was struck with the realization that I have four precious nieces and some of Ellie's friends who just might need their Auntie Sarah to shop for pretty clothes with them and admire their sparkly shoes. Yesterday as I sat and braided sweet Maddie's hair, I felt a peaceful kind of joy. There are little girls who love me. Who put their arms around me and soothe me with their... girliness.

And I have a son who reminds me that I am still a mom. He delights in the "gushiness" of my tummy as only a six year old can appreciate. He reminds me everyday in so many little ways that I am still needed.

Speaking of small boys... yesterday Ethan experienced a milestone. He lost his first tooth! Ellie would have been proud beyond words. Ethan pulled it out himself. Ellie would have cried for days at the very thought of pulling out her own tooth (in fact, I believe that she did cry for days over it). Ethan simply walked back to the hall and looked in the mirror. We heard him say "I got it. Didn't even hurt!" and out he walked, tooth in hand.

Reflections...

2009-09-18T04:54:00.004-06:00

... on being a year older. Today I turn 37. I almost didn't post today, but I have this need to somehow mark the special days in life. And if I'm totally honest, I still feel like a little girl who just loves her birthday. I always have and I just don't seem to be growing out of it!

I was thinking back to how I felt when I turned 21. I was so happy because that was the day that John and I got engaged. We went and picked up my engagement ring just before my party and I was able to show it off to all of the family gathered. I think of how I have changed from that girl. At that time I don't think that I fully understood how flawed I really was, but at the same time I wasn't very confident. I have to admit that even 30 pounds heavier and 16 years worth of "character" added to my face, I am much more content with myself now. I think that the biggest difference is that then I was becoming who I was, but now I know who I am. I know that I am completely and hopelessly flawed, but completely and eternally loved. I don't live with the kind of fear that I used to. Then, I had a very real sense of God and His ability to help in times of need, but now I know God. On a physical level, now I know that outer beauty is so much more than fitting into a size 6 jeans. I think, and hope, that I have found the balance between accepting the things that I can't change (or can't change without astronomical effort) and making the most of what I have, and have learned how to project on the outside the me that lives on the inside. Everyone knows that women strive to be beautiful. We are known for picking ourselves apart and trying to look "perfect." But I don't think that's it. I think that what most women want, is to look in the mirror and say "this is the real me." Because the perfectly proportioned, thin, young women out there often don't feel as beautiful as, well... I do.

Now I've left myself very little time go get ready for work... Oh well. Today I'm going to step out of character a bit and wear comfortable shoes. It's my birthday and I intend to feel good and be happy! :-) I have too many hours on the clock this week so I actually get to go in late (after meeting John for breakfast) and get off early! I get to have lunch with a good friend. And I get to top off the day by going out to Mom and Gary's tonight for dinner with the family. What a happy, happy day!

Some shameless promoting...

2009-09-09T17:44:00.004-06:00

I am so happy to announce the debut of my mom's second book! Copies are just now available, and I wanted to be the first to tell you all about it. Mom has a website set up, so click on: Nancy Mankins Hamm to go take a look. I am so excited for Mom. I read the book just before it went to print, and I was completely enthralled in the story. The book is entitled "The Outcasts" and Mom has given you a little sneak peek on her website. For those who are interested in purchasing a copy, that can also be done on the website, and she has copies of her first book "Hostage" on there as well!

Playing on the computer...

2009-09-06T21:57:00.002-06:00

I'm at my friend Tricia's house and she showed me this website that determines which celebrities you look the most like. Tricia's daughter Megan had just said that Dakota Fanning reminded her of Ellie a little bit. Lo and behold, Dakota Fanning comes up as one of my look alikes. We selected the option to have me morph into Dakota. See below for the finished product! Pretty fun.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

2009-09-06T21:55:00.001-06:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Free family tree maker - Roots

In other news...

2009-09-02T19:14:00.003-06:00

John turned 40 today!! Some might say that it's a miracle that he has lived this long, as he has tried nearly every dangerous and adventurous thing he possibly could squeeze into 40 years. I have no doubt that the next few decades will hold more of the same... But that is one of the things that I love the most about John - he holds nothing back in his quest to experience life!

So, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my sweetie! I found this card for him that I just loved. The front has a winding road through mountains and trees and it says "I'd follow you to the ends of the earth and back". On the inside it says "It's like you put my heart in GPS mode." I don't guess there's any more I can add to that... it's exactly how I feel.

Yippee

2009-08-31T20:30:00.002-06:00

Oh look... Ellie's picture is back! I don't know what that is about, but I'm relieved. :-)

Work is going well. I'm tired, but happy. Life is just so different these days. I hate myself for saying so, but things are falling into a routine. Ugh. I do NOT like that word. I feel like a little bird who just got put in a cage. Thankfully, life in the cage is lovely and happy. You know, it's not so much that I really need to fly... I just like to know that I could if I wanted to! I suppose boundaries are a good thing for me. Sometimes too much freedom goes to my head... if the cage suddenly disappeared I'd nearly kill myself trying to fly in all directions at the same time! And then end up right back on the perch deciding that I really didn't want to go anywhere after all.

I know. It's exhausting being me.

Ellie's photo has disappeared!

2009-08-29T13:41:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to let you know that I have no idea why Ellie's picture isn't on the blog anymore. It just disappeared one day... I will try to figure it out. One of these days. :-)

Update on Chad

2009-08-26T18:00:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry, I have fallen down on the job of keeping you informed about Chad's health!

Chad found a doctor who specializes in a certain kind of nerve block surgery. This doctor believes the the cause of Chad's pain is long gone, but that the nerves just haven't gotten the message and they keep mis-firing. So on Monday, Chad had surgery to block those nerves from firing. This is the update from Janeene:

"Thank you so much for praying for Chad’s surgery on Monday. The doctor said that everything went really well, but Chad needs to “recover” from the surgery for about 3 weeks before we know if it has been effective in relieving all of his pain. So for the first week, Chad is on bed rest, limited moving around the 2^nd week, and we’ll have another doctor’s appointment by the 3^rd week. We still appreciate your prayers that the pain will be gone and that we can resume our normal activities and get back to Papua New Guinea quickly.

One other quick one… Chad will be getting one more surgery September 4^th, to repair his knee (hopefully his 4^th and final surgery this summer!!). We don’t expect this to be anything too major, but he’ll still need a couple weeks to get back on his feet. By the end of all of this, I keep thinking I’m going to have a bionic husband!

Thanks also for praying for me and the boys in the next several weeks—when I am weak, He is strong.

Janeene"

The New Normal

2009-08-24T19:16:00.003-06:00

I don't have much time to write tonight, but I did want to let you know that my first day of work was wonderful! When I think of the sheer volume of information to learn, it's pretty overwhelming, but my boss is very understanding of that and has realistic expectations. She is also interested in setting things up for me to learn in the best possible way. One of her first questions to me today was "how do you learn best? By watching? By doing it yourself?" I really appreciated that. I can't say that I actually accomplished anything today, but it was good to get acquainted with where things were, who people were, and what type of work goes on in the office.

I will be able to drop Ethan off at school in the morning and then head to work. Ethan only goes to school in the morning so John's parents will pick him up from school and keep him until John gets home from work. (99% of the time, John will get home before I do.) Ethan doesn't have any school on Fridays, so we are going to try sending him over to his cousins' house to do some homeschool with them. I say "try" because we won't consider it permanent until I'm sure that my sweet friend Kim will not end up in the funny farm after she adds a fourth boy into the mix at her house!

So that's the quick run-down of the "new normal" in the Skees household. I am very sure that my house will suffer dreadfully from lack of attention, and it may be a miracle if laundry ever gets done again... but then I have to admit that it may not be that much different from the old normal! And I get to dust off my pretty shoes and face the daily delima of whether to wear the sparkly ring and new bracelet or my yellow bird necklace. Multiplying dust bunnies just can't compete with that!

Beat Cancer Today

2009-08-23T06:53:00.002-06:00

National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day is coming... September 12. Click on the title of this post to go to a site that our friends have set up to sell some "Beat Cancer" T-shirts. The proceeds go towards helping in the fight against childhood cancer, and wearing these shirts on September 12 (or any other day) will help promote awareness of childhood cancer! While you are at this site, please check out the photos of some great little cancer fighters and their families. (Our friends are the Horns - little Eli has been battling Neuroblastoma for a while now...) Even if you are unable to buy a shirt, you could take the time to pray for these children. These families have done a wonderful job of setting up this creative way to raise both money and awareness for cancer.

Iced Mocha with extra whipped cream, anyone?

2009-08-19T15:58:00.005-06:00

At long last, my job hunt is over! After a nearly two hour interview this morning, I was offered a job. On Monday I will start work as the personal assistant for a woman who owns and operates a business that counsels young, special needs children. I am very excited about it! The work will be interesting and varied. I will learn the office workings so that I can fill in for others when they are on vacation or the office is extra busy, but my greatest responsibility will be to make my bosses life easier by making phone calls, doing computer work, making copies, filing, getting coffee, running errands... anything and everything. This excites me so much because it will be a good mix of the challenging and the mundane. I will get to wear pretty clothes, interact with people, use a computer, and I will not put up any kind of a fuss when she sends me out on a Starbucks run! :-) I am not making that last part up - she did tell me that I might be asked to go to Starbucks from time to time! Be still my heart.

The best part is that I felt like we had good rapport with one another, because the biggest part of the job will be to maintain a good relationship with her and learn to anticipate her needs. She seems like a wonderful person to work for, and she was quite pleased by the fact that I am calm. She appears to be around my age and has two small children. She fully understands and appreciates all of the extra maneuverings that are necessary in a person's life when children are involved, and allows for flexibility in her employees' schedules to compensate. For example, the one man who works in the office does not have children so he is happy to be there by 7:45 a.m. This allows the others to drop their children off at school before coming in to work. One of the women gets in at 9:00, and I will be able to drop Ethan off at school and make it to work by 8:30. (The drive will take me 30-45 minutes, depending on traffic.) And just when you think this job is too good to be true... there's a cherry on top. She gives 5 WEEKS of vacation time per year. Seriously. I'm very sure that's what she said, and that it wasn't my stressed out interview-brain making that up.

I am just thrilled, but not because I naively think that the job will be perfect and without stress. I fully expect to be overwhelmed at times, and I know that working with people always brings conflict with it. But I am excited because this job is "me" in every sense of the word. It's difficult to describe exactly why... I just know that it is me. And by the way... the office is beautifully decorated. The colors are lovely, it is neat, organized and pleasing in every way. Do you know how much work I can get done when I am not constantly having to mentally re-decorate the place? I so feel like giggling right now.

Come fly with me...

2009-08-13T18:09:00.008-06:00

I have been so overwhelmed with getting back to blogging. I want to be here. I'm sure that there's much to say... but I'm just overwhelmed. Where to start? Life has gotten busy and one day sort of blurrs into the next. I began this post with the intention of updating you on Ethan's schooling. And then it turned into something all together different. So the title of this post is kind of confusing. But you will get to the punchline... eventually. :-)

We were able to get Ethan into a very small Christian school that is about five minutes from our home. It's the same school that Ellie attended. Ethan had such a wonderful experience in Kindergarten last year, and while he learned so much, we have decided that he could benefit from another year of Kindergarten before moving on to first grade. If we had stayed in Montana, it would have been more important for Ethan to move up with his class - all kids he had been with the previous year. He would have had some struggles, but they would have given him some extra assistance during the day to try to help him keep up. With the move, it seemed like a good opportunity for a fresh start, as he would not know the kids in his class and they would have no idea that he should have been in first grade. In this Kindergarten, Ethan is the oldest, and is the same size as the other boys in class (last year, while not the youngest, he was the smallest). He really fits in well with the looks and maturity of the other Kindergartners, and we hope that this will allow him to go into first grade with more confidence and the feeling of being ahead of the curve instead of trying to keep up.

Today was Ethan's big day - the first day of school! He was pretty nervous going in, especially when the whole school gathered in one room (very small amount of people in comparison to most schools, but in the eyes of a six year old it was a crowd). Each of the new students was mentioned by name - but not pointed out and asked to stand or anything. Ethan had this look on his face that showed that he was sure there was a spotlight shining directly onto his little head, and when his name was mentioned, Ethan just dropped his head down to his chest in utter embarrassment. After he was safely settled in class with his four classmates, we left. It was so special to look through the window and see Ethan sitting at the same table where Ellie sat in Kindergarten. When we picked Ethan up at 12:15, he was all smiles! Whew... one day down... and lots more to go!

Thank you for continuing to keep up with us. Some days are difficult - there are so many memories of Ellie surrounding us continually, particularly at the school. Still, there are more good days than bad, even though Ellie is never away from our thoughts. It is a difficult thing to describe. In the beginning the grief was so raw. Emotions were always ragged and intense and even violent. But what other people often perceive as a lessening of grief over time is actually a learning to function with the grief. It is something we wear every day as a part of the fabric of who we have become. Ellie's memory - sort of the perfume of who she was - is a part of every breath that we take. In this way, the grief is less volatile, but no less present. The edges of this grief are smoother... softer, perhaps. But always, always there.

I may be a bit biased, but I believe that we have the best friends and family out there. We have been blessed constantly by people who ask us how it feels to be back. They sincerely want to know how this move has affected us. And they speak Ellie's name. Without hesitation. They give voice to the constant ache that lives in our hearts. Our eyes may well up with tears... but then so do theirs. We may smile and laugh over some silly memory... but then so do they. I could give examples too numerous to count... Ethan's teacher showed him a sticker that Ellie placed on a chart in the classroom five-plus years ago that has never been removed. Last night a sweet friend took the time to gently ask how life has been since we moved... and she truly wanted to know. Just today a friend told me that she nearly burst into tears when her daughter's new friend turned out to be exactly Ellie's age - even down to sharing the same birthday! The list could go on and on. I have come to realize that these amazing people have made a choice to wear this grief as well. To take it on as part of themselves. What is extraordinary about this is that they don't have to. It is a choice.

This topic brings to mind this verse: Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." I believe that we have witnessed the playing out of that Scripture in our loss of Ellie. I looked up the word "bear" and found several meanings that spoke volumes: 1. to hold up; support 2. to suffer; endure; undergo 3. to carry in the mind or heart. As I look around me at the people who love us, tears come to my eyes when I realize that they hold us up in practical ways and in prayer, that they suffer under the weight of Ellie's loss, and that they continue to carry her in their minds and hearts. I hope that you know that I am not only talking about those that I see and speak with daily, but all of you who have followed this blog. You have truly borne our burden in every sense of the word.

For years I have been blessed as the recipient of such burden bearing. And then Jared died. My world view took a sudden, radical about-face. I found myself watching the fresh, harsh grief of his wife, siblings and parents... and wondering what to do. This wave of understanding washed over me in the form of lessons learned from all of you. The answer was to bear the burden... put it on, breathe it in, and mingle my own tears with theirs. The sweetest insight of all dawned when I realized that God truly does work things from all angles. We all know of the blessings to be had when your burdens are lifted by your loved ones. But I discovered that God's blessings abound and are poured out with such generous grace on the ones who suffer by choice. I recently copied down words from the ending of one of my favorite TV shows because I was so struck by the truth in them. "When you love someone you open yourself up to suffering... That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly."

My brief foray into the working world

2009-07-30T19:05:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to let you know that we're still alive and kicking... Things have been so busy! I did not end up getting the job that I wrote about, and have since had another lead on a job that looks promising. In the meantime, I've been doing a little decorating and catching up with friends and family.

I did have a quick two-day job filing at a doctor's office. They don't have a need for full time help, but I have a friend who works there and she knew of a temporary need that they had. So I worked today and will go back tomorrow. It's been kind of nice to be "out there" in the big world. And I must say, I have a new appreciation for what goes on behind the scenes in medical offices. I don't believe that I will ever complain again about sitting in a waiting room leafing through magazines, or waiting to be called back by a nurse. Because there's some little person in the back running up and down ladders or sitting in a corner on the floor trying to turn herself inside out to match a file with a name! And way more than that, I will envision the nurses at their stations with the mountain of file folders of prescriptions to call in and people to call back. Do you know how much paperwork doctors have to deal with? A LOT. There is a doctor who was not in the office today, and when he gets in tomorrow, he will be met with a mountain of folders on his desk that I personally hefted there! I'm just hoping that I can move without groaning when I get out of bed tomorrow morning.

Sorry for my lack of posting...

2009-07-13T08:30:00.002-06:00

I know I've not been on here much lately... I've spent the last week running around and doing things... seeing people, going to church, shopping a little. All the things I wanted to do during those two weeks of sickness. My house is mostly together and I will be taking photos and posting them soon.

I have a lead on a job that I'm hoping will pan out. We are currently in the "phone tag" stage of the game. It is a receptionist position for a large lawn maintenance/landscaping company. It would be wonderful, as it is close to our house and is the type of work that I can do! The owner of the company called me Friday afternoon, but I was driving down the interstate at rush hour and it had started to rain. I asked if I could call him back when I arrived, but by the time I wasn't driving anymore, his office had closed and I had to leave a voice mail. See - phone tag. So now it is Monday and I'm hopeful that I will be getting a call. Of course he will call back when I'm driving again. I can feel it.

John had two teeth pulled last week, so he's spent the week in pain and eating soft food. He got the stitches out this morning, and we are hopeful that he will heal quickly and be able to eat solid food soon!

Ethan is spending the morning at the beach with Stan, Pat, Ginger, Russ, and Maddie. I'm sure he's going to have a great time, but he was rather freaked out before he left because he's sure that his toe will be bitten by a fish. (The last time he went to the beach, Ginger was holding him and felt a fish brush against her foot.) I'm hopeful that Ethan will return with all toes intact and will be raring to go the next time!

We were finally able to spend some good time over at Mom's house on Friday. I had only seen Mom, Gary, my grandparents, and Chad, Janeene and boys only once since getting to Florida because I got sick and was trying not to pass the bug along. So it was great to get the chance to spend some time playing and catching up!

Unfortunately, because of the timing of my sickness and my sister, Jenn, being out of town in between, I have not seen her family yet. I can't wait to see them all and love on my nieces again! I just know that Mady, Libby, and Emma have grown up while I was gone... I can't wait to make up for lost time!!

I hope to have some photos for you soon... house pics, nephews, nieces... YAY! :-)

Thanks for the prayers...

2009-07-09T19:31:00.006-06:00

Thank you so much for the sweet comments on my last post! We really appreciate all of the love and prayers...

Something I failed to mention in my last post is that the reason Chad and Janeene came back to the U.S. was because of some chronic pain that Chad has been having which ended up being completely unrelated to the tumor. The only reason the tumor was found was because of all of the medical tests to find the cause of the pain. I thought that I would share the latest update with you in Janeene's words. This is the update they just put out to their family, friends, and supporters:

"We have some good news and some more for you to pray with us about.

First, the good news…the pathology report came back, and although Chad’s tumor was malignant, it was the non-invasive low grade variety, which means that since the doctor got it all, we won’t need anything like chemo, but only periodic checkups. Praise God with us for that!!!

He said that normally he would have Chad checked again in 3 months, but since we are, Lord willing, planning on being back in PNG before that time, then he would recommend that we get Chad checked in 6 months. So at that time we will look into the possibility of a trip to Australia or another nearby country with good medical facilities to have that done and then a quicker return to the ministry in PNG.

Which brings us to our prayer item: For us to return soon to PNG, we still need to get to the bottom of what’s causing Chad’s pain. We have seen a neurological surgeon who looked at the results of the spinal MRI, and though a synovial cyst was found, it does not appear to be linked to the area of pain. But he decided to try putting Chad on some medication to see if there is enough improvement to warrant more treatment on his part. It’s only been a few days now, and thus far results are fairly inconclusive. We will continue to consult with doctors and weigh further options. So far this has been a real mystery, but God knows all, and we can rest in that—and in His great love for us. Thanks for your prayers—they are much appreciated these days!

Please pray for:

~Wisdom for our doctors here, as they search for answers and a course of action to treat Chad’s pain.

~Grace for Chad as he deals with the pain on a daily basis. Many of you live with pain and know how chronic pain can wear a person down over time. Please pray for the grace and the peace that passes all understanding.

~Contentment, as we have had to adjust to this abrupt interruption of the work we’ve been doing in PNG. We know that this is what God has for us now, but it is still a struggle for us at times, especially knowing that we’ve had to leave our partners the Williamsons alone in the village and have left the young church in the middle of teaching through the great book of Romans. But we do know that God will work all this out for His glory and our growth—ours, our co-workers, and that of the Tobo believers as well.

We just need to go back to that again and again and choose to rest in God.

~Guidance in the future as we will need to find a good place for followup on Chad across the big water six months from now. Pray for all the finances, paperwork, and other travel logistics, as well as a good doctor and medical facilities."

Chad & Janeene
Elijah & Zekey

A Prayer Request

2009-07-01T19:33:00.002-06:00

I know I have mentioned before on the blog, my brother and his family who are missionaries in Papua New Guinea. Well Chad, Janeene and their boys have made an unplanned trip back to the U.S. for medical reasons. The doctors here have found a tumor in Chad's bladder, and they successfully removed the entire tumor today. The surgery went well, but we will not know any of the pathology for about a week. We would so appreciate your prayers that it would not be malignant! I will let you know how things go... Once again, thank you for your faithfulness in standing with our family in good times and in bad!

How we are...

2009-06-28T07:52:00.006-06:00

Well, I am finally in the land of the living after being sick for over 10 days straight. I'm not completely well yet, but I feel so much better than I did! I actually went outside last night for the first time in a whole week. Of course, a wall of heat met me on the other side of that door and I quickly got into the air conditioned car. Ahhhh, life in Florida! It's kind of like life in a Montana winter. You go as quickly as you can from your door to the car and vice versa.

I thought I would update you on how our first weeks home have been. John has been very busy. He still doesn't have a full load of work yet, but somehow he has been completely busy. There have been some side jobs and a few new accounts that have filled in a lot of the gaps for him. And then there are things to finish off and settle in the house and shed. I think that it's safe to say that John is very overwhelmed right now.

Somehow Ethan has jumped right in to life in Florida with a happy heart and just a peaceful sense of contentment. I truly expected this to be harder on him, particularly the fast pace and difficult nature of our first couple of weeks here. But I've seen God undertake for Ethan in a most amazing way. Ethan's first week was a blur of excitement and activity. He bounced around from house to house - often without us - visiting grandparents, cousins, and friends. And then he spent a week cooped up in the house with a sick mommy. Even then, Ethan was quite content.

So, the most common question on everyone's mind these days has been how I am doing living back in our old house. It's a good question. I was so overwhelmed and tired that first night and I felt a little emotional. But then I went to the hospital immediately the next day and spent the better part of that first week and a half away from home. And then I spent a week sick...

Today, as I sit here and think about it, I've discovered that being back in this house and living in Florida again after being away have brought some interesting emotions and sensations. Generally when I have gone back and forth between locations I've lived, it feels like no time has passed and I've just stepped back into life like I left yesterday. It doesn't feel like that this time. In many ways, things still feel foreign to me. But not in a bad way... just different. I don't feel overly emotional. It's more like being in a fog. Everything is kind of fuzzy and unclear. At the same time, it does feel as if Ellie is just a bit closer to us in this house. In day to day life, I get the sensation that she might pop around the corner and ask me a question. In Montana, the memories that lived with me were those of Ellie's last year or so. But here the memories of Ellie go farther back to a time when she was healthy and childish. John brought home Chinese takeout the other night, and it was the same food from the same place that Ellie loved. Those memories came back in a flood and we choked back the tears as we ate our sweet and sour pork without her.

For days I've been seeing the photo John has set to his desktop on the computer and I can't remember if I ever posted it on the blog. I could go back and look, but I figure that it doesn't hurt to re-post photos from time to time. These photos are from when we took Ellie out to a fancy dinner on our way to another round of chemo. We were literally on our way to the hospital, but we got all dressed up and went to a very nice restaurant where they serve organic food. Ellie was beside herself with the joy of it all. She was in a beautiful black dress, complete with jewelry. The lighting in the restaurant was soft and everything sparkled from the glow of the candle at our table. But I vividly remember that nothing sparkled more than Ellie's eyes. She took turns sitting next to her daddy and me, and she could not stop hugging and kissing us. We finished the night off by ordering her a little dessert. For a kid who had been mostly off of sugar for months, it was heaven. Ellie took one bite, and her eyes rolled back in pure pleasure. Some of the photos are kind of blurry because we didn't use the flash, but we still love them. (The last one is the one John has on his desktop.) They capture such sweet moments of pure joy. I think that this is one of John's and my very favorite memories of Ellie. It was one perfect night.

Montana Service for Jared

2009-06-24T17:30:00.002-06:00

I have just received word from family in Montana that they will be holding a memorial service to celebrate the life of Jared Skees. Anyone in the Kalispell area who knows the family or knew Jared are welcome to attend.

Saturday, June 27
1:00 p.m.
Central Bible Church
902 1st. Ave. East
Kalispell, Montana

A day of rest...

2009-06-20T06:33:00.004-06:00

Thanks for all of your prayers. Jared's service yesterday was just beautiful. His life was honored well. As we all know, now begins the truly hard part for the family. My heart breaks for the road they must travel...

One of the special things for me yesterday was the chance to meet several people who have been following this blog. I had never met Michelle's family before this, but they had known me through the blog. So getting to meet them was such a blessing to my heart. There are so many of you that I've never met, and getting to put a face and voice to the comments that are left brings me such joy! And then another sweet couple pulled me aside as I was walking by because they recognized me from the blog. The same thing happened at a church in Montana, and I have a new and good friend because of it! (Yes, Jewel, I'm talking about you.) It never ceases to amaze me what a small world this is - and how much smaller the internet makes it.

The only thing on the agenda for me today is to rest and do laundry. We have been running a hundred miles an hour since we arrived, so John is just now able to hook the laundry machines up. It's sick how big the pile of dirty clothes is... Somewhere along the line I started catching a cold, and I ended up loosing my voice. I've been croaking and squeaking for days and when the whole big group of family gets together, I've had to yell just to get enough sound out to be heard. This morning I woke up with only a whisper of a voice, and the feeling that this cold has decided to settle in my chest. Good times. Needless to say, rest is definitely a priority for the day!

As for my house... When we first got here, John, Stan, and our friend Roger unloaded the U-Haul into the house while I was at the hospital. I spent days running back and forth to the hospital with utter chaos in the house, but I wasn't worried about it because I figured it would get done eventually. On two different days, Belinda and her son, Neal, came over. While Neal played with Ethan, Belinda hit the house like a tornado! In the course of one evening and one afternoon, Belinda had my furniture moved into place, containers emptied, and things to be stored sent to the shed. I've never seen anyone get so much done in so little time! Everything that is left to do, is very manageable.

So that's the scoop for now... I'll be back in touch soon!

Update...

2009-06-16T20:54:00.002-06:00

Thank you all for your prayers! I'm sorry I've not been able to post these past days. I've been at the hospital a lot, and very busy in between times. As of late last night, Jared is home with Jesus. It has been an incredibly long, hard week for the family, and as you all know things will be terribly difficult for the foreseeable future. Jared's wife, Michelle is so grateful for all of the prayers, and even in the midst of the heartbreak she has seen the hand of God at work. She has seen so many ways in which God has set up things to meet her needs even before the accident. The family is now preparing a memorial service to celebrate Jared's life, but some of the family and close friends will be unable to attend because they live in Montana or other far away places. Some of the Montana family who were here during the hospital time had to return. Please continue praying for all involved. And thank you for caring so much! I will be incredibly busy over the next few days, but will be back in touch when I can.

Prayer Request...

2009-06-11T19:59:00.003-06:00

Thanks for all of your well wishes for our arrival in Florida! We are happy to be here and have hit the ground running...

I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. John's cousin, Jared, was in a terrible car accident. I spent the day at the hospital with the family. Jared's wife, Michelle, two of his brothers, and his parents were all there, as well as much of the extended family. His other brother and family are arriving from Hong Kong tomorrow. Some of the family came in from Montana. His injuries are very severe and the family is waiting to see what each day will bring. I would so appreciate your prayers for strength and peace for the family, and that God would heal Jared. My heart is just breaking for them all tonight... Thanks so much!

Home!

2009-06-10T22:00:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry I didn't post last night. We drove until nearly 3:00 a.m. and then slept at a little motel that didn't have internet... not that I would have been able to think well enough to get on anyway! We got a decent start this morning, and then got home by about 9:30 p.m. I can't even tell you how tired I am! I'm sure John is much more tired, though. He was amazing! He drove that rig for something like 19 hours straight yesterday with very few breaks. I will have more to tell soon, but tonight I am just so overwhelmed with being here. I wouldn't say that I'm sad or happy really. The best word is simply overwhelmed. Ethan was more specific. As we pulled in to the driveway he said "Ohhhhh, I missed that tree. I missed this house!! I think I want to cry." When John asked if it was because he was happy, Ethan nodded his head and said "yep" in a very small voice. Of course, the moment we opened the door he was off and running. I do believe that he pinged off of every single wall in the place!

The adventures of a man, a boy, and a rock...

2009-06-08T22:46:00.004-06:00

Today was a long day of driving, and I made the rather humbling realization that on this trip I have the equivalent usefulness of a rock. I can't drive the rig. I really stink at navigation... I mean REALLY stink. I get carsick if I look anywhere other than straight ahead for more than a few seconds. And I fall asleep nearly the instant the wheels start moving. For all intents and purposes, John is making a very long cross country trek with a small boy and a rock. Unfortunately it's also a rock that needs to eat and have potty breaks. But the man is so hopelessly in love with me that he's not even upset about it. He just looks over at me from time to time, smiles, and says "isn't this fun?" Yes, it really is fun, but somehow I think I'm getting the nicer end of the bargain!

Sorry, no photos tonight. I'm having technical difficulties in that department. See, I told you... a rock!

Yellowstone!

2009-06-08T00:45:00.001-06:00

All of the bad weather preceded us through the park, so we had very cool, but wonderful weather! We had such a fun day. It was worth every bit of the next three grueling days of driving we will have to do to make it home on schedule.

Click HERE for photos of the day, and Ethan's own unique observations.

Day One

2009-06-06T22:47:00.003-06:00

Tonight we are staying in Butte, Montana. We did not get an early start, so we are not all that far from home. Unfortunately, Ethan is already asking when we will get there. It's going to be a looooooong 5 days. :-) But we are armed with a portable DVD player that Ellie got as part of her Make-a-Wish shopping spree and I have a few movies Ethan has never seen, so there's still hope. Tomorrow we have to drive a little while to reach Yellowstone, and we hear it's supposed to snow during the night! And tomorrow there is a 70% chance of rain. In any case, we will have a grand adventure. Ethan will deem it a success if he gets to buy a stuffed animal. He has his heart set on an elk. (On the way to Montana a year and a half ago, he got a buffalo. Buffalo is still well loved!)

Click HERE to see a rather unexpected sight in a small town in Montana.

Our hotel tonight is wonderful. It is not expensive and fancy, but it has comfy beds and soft white bedspreads instead of the plasic-y floral ones that make my skin crawl because they look like they were purchased in 1980 and haven't been washed since then! Ethan jumped from one bed to the other and gave his enthusiastic stamp of approval... until I made him lie down. Then he decided that this is an awful and ugly place!

I'll be back with more updates as long as I have internet access.

Have heated toilet seat... will travel.

2009-06-06T11:58:00.003-06:00

We have finished loading the truck and will be pulling out of Stillwaters Ranch shortly. While Loretta has been helping us load our stuff in the truck, Reni has been worth her weight in gold entertaining Ethan and making us huckleberry pancakes. We will be sad to say our goodbyes. Maybe by the time we reach Yellowstone I will have dry eyes... maybe.

Click HERE for the latest photos.

The Plan

2009-06-05T15:38:00.003-06:00

Well, as expected, the packing of the truck has taken all day and is not done yet. We decided not to push to leave tonight, but stay over and have a relaxed last evening with the family. This feels just right. John and I enjoy the whole process of working together (even though I still don't like packing) and it is nice not to have to rush around like crazy and leave in a hurry. Ethan has been happily playing over at the other house. I was afraid that he would be clingy and nervous, but he seems quite content and relaxed. So all of the pieces are falling together nicely. I will be in touch as I'm able...

Farewell to Montana...

2009-06-05T03:46:00.004-06:00

The day has arrived. I think. We had decided to leave today instead of tomorrow because we would like to spend a little time in Yellowstone. But we haven't packed the truck yet. We had some technical difficulties (boring stuff... blah blah blah... trailer hitches... brake lights...) and then we wanted to spend some time soaking in the beauty of Montana. So we will pack the truck today and see what happens.

I wanted to share the photos of our day in Glacier National Park with you, and I've decided to try a new method. I'm going to post a link to a photo album on my facebook page. I'm hoping that anyone can click on it and go to that album. I've never tried this before, so let me know if you can't see it.

Click HERE to go to the photo album. You can click on the photos to see them larger and read the captions I've written to explain them.

I will try to post some messages along the way, as I have internet access. For now I need to get to bed and try to get at least a few hours of sleep before daylight.

All is right in the world again...

2009-05-30T18:39:00.002-06:00

This afternoon, John arrived! Ethan is beside himself and is permanently glued to his daddy's side. We will spend the next week packing up the last of our things, saying goodbyes and taking in as much of the Montana beauty as we can. Our plan is to load up the U-Haul and leave on Saturday morning. I'll be in touch as I'm able. Thanks so much for all of the prayers. It is so wonderful to be back together again. We were in a store this afternoon, and when John hugged me, Ethan put an arm around each of our legs. John swung Ethan up into the cart and I said "our family is all together again." Ethan sweetly replied "well, one of us isn't here, but we are still a family." Ah, yes, the Ellie girl's presence will always be missed. But we carry her with us continually, and when the the three of us are together, our family is complete.

Checking in...

2009-05-27T19:51:00.002-06:00

Hi! I'm still here. Still packing. The front room looks like it's been hit with a tsunami. The armoire that I've been stuffing with papers and gift bags and staplers for the past 3 months has just thrown up all over the living room rug. This is the part that I hate. I've done the books and the kitchen and Ethan's room and many other parts of the house. But this mess is different. It's the weird, random, uncatagorizeable (yes, I know that's not a word) stuff that I can't figure out what to do with. It's like one 8' x 10' junk drawer. I'd like to just trash the whole thing and be done with it, but I know that somewhere down the road I'd be needing that power cord or phone number... So that's where I'm at. Drowning in a junk drawer. But I'm determined to finish it tonight - even if it takes all night! I worked on it last night until 2 a.m. So why am I sitting here at the computer instead of diving in? Because I'm stalling. I keep looking over at the piles and shuddering.

I keep reminding myself that tomorrow I get my hair done. And just like that, I'm back in my happy place. You know how I feel about hair therapy!

Travel Plans

2009-05-16T14:35:00.002-06:00

Hello! Yes, I am alive... but barely. I feel like I've been in a coma for weeks. No, there's been nothing exciting happening like actually being sick or injured. I've just gone into a sort of shut down mode where I've been avoiding the impending reality of the move back to Florida. But now I can't ignore it any longer. It will happen whether I'm ready or not. I figure that I might as well be ready.

It's not that I'm not excited about many aspects of moving back. There is much to look forward to. It's just that I don't like change until after the fact. Things run much smother for me if I have less time from beginning to end. The ideal scenario for me would be to find out that I was going to move. Cry for a whole day. Get excited for a whole day. Run around like a chicken with my head cut off for about three days, packing. Spend about three days saying goodbyes and squeezing in as much fun as possible. Spend a day crying. Arrive at destination. That's it. About 10 days from start to finish. This dragging it out for months is killing me. I will have still only had about 10 productive days anyway. The rest of it is pretty much a total loss. My brain turns to mush and my circuits become overloaded. I'm continually at loose ends...

I thought it was time to fill you in on the plan. I could have told you this weeks ago, but I couldn't face that it was happening weeks ago. Ethan's last day of kindergarten is on Thursday, May 28. John flies to MT on May 30. We will spend about 4 or 5 days packing a U-Haul, saying goodbyes, and taking in a bit more of the beautiful Montana spring. Then we will spend about 5 days driving across the country to Florida. So our approximate date of arrival will be June 10.

Thanks for your patience with me. I will try to keep you updated along the way, but probably won't be on overly much. I have exactly two weeks to pack and squeeze in all of the fun and last minute adventures that I can...

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T21:02:00.003-06:00

I hope all of my blogger friends who are mothers had a wonderful day today!

My day began with lots of little boy snuggles and ended just the same... That alone would have been enough! But there was also a big construction paper card with a yellow pained hand print and a refrigerator magnet made out of clay. Reni and Loretta also made me a card with a photo of Ethan on the outside. When I opened the card, there was a photo of Ellie with the absolute sweetest expression on her face. Ethan promptly stole the card from me and placed it on the table in front of his plate, open so that he could see Ellie. The longer he gazed at it, the sadder he got. He said "I miss Daddy and Ellie, but I miss Ellie more because I'm going to get to see Daddy sooner. It's going to take a long time until I can see Ellie again. I just wish I could go to Heaven now! How come I don't get to die for a long time?" Poor little guy. His eyes got all red rimmed but he would not let any tears out. We eventually went for a walk in the beautiful springtime air, and all of our moods lifted considerably! I was able to get away for a few minutes to visit Ellie's stone. I sat down and traced the words with my finger and thanked God for the precious nine years that he gave me with that amazing girl. I was struck by the irony that on this day that honors mothers, I am the fortunate one to have been touched by her... much more so than the other way around.

I also enjoyed a nice long talk with my mom on the phone today. I am very happy that I will be able to actually get to see her and my mother-in-law next year on this holiday! That will be wonderful. It's always hard to be so far away from family, but the special days are the most difficult of all!

So that was my day. I hope you all had a good day, and that those of you who were missing your mothers, or children, were able to feel the peace of God surrounding you in a very real way. Please continue to pray for the parents who have lost little ones recently. Two more sweet children died this week from NB - a little boy named Jack that we knew in NY, and a little girl named Esther whose mom I've talked with on the phone a few times. These families are embarking on the most painful journey of their lives...

John's Visit - Part II

2009-05-03T21:03:00.003-06:00

Wow... time has flown by! I wish I had a good excuse for not being on the blog more these days - busy, preoccupied, something... Sorry.

Here are the rest of the photos from John's surprise visit in March:

John, having just come from sunny Florida, was tickled over springtime at a Montana gas station...

And now for springtime in Glacier National Park...

John took this shot of the rocks through the water!

John's Visit - Part I

2009-04-18T17:58:00.002-06:00

Thank you once again for being such wonderful friends and helping me to sort through this complicated minefield of grief! Your sweet comments encouraged my heart more than you know!

I thought I would post photos of John's visit in two or three parts. To begin with, I will show you the absolute highlight of the trip.

We were sitting in the car waiting to go on a trip to Glacier National Park, and Ethan climbed up into John's lap and said "I'm so glad you are here, Daddy!" and I was so thankful that I had the camera on hand to capture it:

Stay tuned for more photos...

Easter

2009-04-12T08:35:00.007-06:00

I was just reflecting back on the past two Easters. Two years ago, Ellie was in the ICU. I decided to take a walk down memory lane and re-read some of those ICU entries. I've been sitting here crying over my computer for the past hour... The intense stress of that time came washing over me all over again. I remember Ellie's doctor telling me most emphatically that he did not believe in miracles, but Ellie's recovery was one of two events that he knew of that could qualify as miraculous. I've since pondered on that and wondered why God brought Ellie through that hell only to allow her to die 8 months later. But even as I wonder, I really do know the answer. It is grace. He gave her time to enjoy life again without pain. To be a little girl again. To hug her grandparents again. To play with her little brother again. To leave us all with a legacy of love and songs and memories that were untainted by her pain, but rather enriched by the suffering she had been through.

Then there's last Easter. I'm not even sure that I remember Easter last year. My heart still continually alternated between feeling raw and numb, and my memories of much of that time are fuzzy. Just after Ellie died, one of her friends had a beautiful dream about Heaven and was comforted. I would beg God to do the same for me - just allow me to experience a small taste of what life for Ellie was like in Heaven. At first my dreams were completely empty of anything relating to Ellie. And then I would see her in my dreams, but each time I had the full realization that she was going to die. Then one day, Ellie was in a dream in which she was normal - there was no cancer or death - just Ellie sitting on a bunk bed asking for her daddy. At some point I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be granted that glimpse of Heaven that I so wanted. My dreams always tend to be very "normal" - all of the boundaries of everyday life apply, and they are filled with the mundane stuff of ordinary life. I supposed that dreams of Heaven were only meant for children, who have the kind of eyes that are needed to see through "reality". I decided that seeing wasn't the important thing. I knew with all of my heart that Ellie was living with God, and I trusted that she was completely happy and free. This was just going to have to be an issue of faith for me - since faith, by it's very definition, does not include sight.

And then one night God gave me exactly what I needed to see. I still was not transported to Heaven in my dreams, the way that I imagined. It was even better than that. This dream felt so real that even now, it seems as if it actually happened. The dream began with me sleeping in my bed. I got up, and went out into the mud room to find that God had sent Ellie back from Heaven just to hug me. Ellie motioned to the window with a wave of her hand and showed me an exquisite display of the northern lights in the sky. As I watched the blues and greens wave across the night sky, Ellie wrapped her little arms around my waist and snuggled close into my chest. She never spoke a word, but before I let her go, I looked down into her upturned face and saw something that I will never forget. In Ellie's face, I saw all of the vast treasures of eternity. I couldn't read them myself, but I could tell that she knew them all - all of the secrets of the ages. The wealth of all wisdom and knowledge were contained in that precious little face. She had seen the face of God.

I know that speculation abounds regarding whether those in Heaven can see us here on Earth. Some feel that they cannot, because God has wiped every tear from their eyes, and how could they look upon our pain and suffering without sorrow? I used to wonder about that. But I now have a different take on it. The wise, peaceful face of my sweet girl told me that she could look fully at my sin and suffering without pain. She lived life in this dying world and suffered, so she knows how it feels. But now she knows all of the secrets and what the future holds, and instead of feeling sorrow for my pain, she whispers words of comfort to my broken heart: "Keep going, Mom. Don't give up. It's only a little longer... You can't even imagine how quickly it will be over and you will get to see God. And me. Just keep clinging to God. Don't let go."

Today is Easter. It's the day that we celebrate Jesus' resurrection from the dead. I wanted to think of something insightful and wise to say, but "spiritual" words just seem to fail me. I am so grateful that Jesus died for my sins. I am beyond thankful that He conquered death and now lives in Heaven. But I have this terrible realization that I don't love Him enough. There's this scary little sensation in the pit of my stomach that all I can really feel is that His incredible gift gives me the chance to see my Ellie girl again. I should be longing to see His face, but I keep imagining hers... I am so glad that my Savior knows that I am still bound by the constraints of my sinful nature and that try as I might, my love for Him will not be perfect until I reach eternity. Still, I hope to spend the rest of this life that I have, learning to love Him better... to long for Him more. That one glimpse of Ellie's transformed face tells me that it will be worth it.

I'm alive! (seriously)

2009-04-07T01:26:00.006-06:00

I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update you all. (I just had the thought flash through my brain that I start way too many entries that way!)

I've been having one of those kinds of weeks where I've let everything go. Over the last couple of months I have been trying so hard to keep up with the little things, but for one blissful week I have just let them all go. (It helps that Ethan's on spring break, so I don't have to drag myself out of bed on time every morning.) I've been on a creative binge that has left little room for mundane things such as dishes and laundry. And while blogging is not on my list of the mundane, it too had to go by the wayside. It is 1:30 a.m. right now, and as I look out over the living room, I see 5 swords, 6 sticks, miscellaneous leggos, several stuffed animals and other random toys. And that's just across the room from where I sit. On the desk, all around my computer, are water bottles, a coffee cup, a paper cutter, glue stick, exacto knives, car keys, several large rocks (which have no purpose other than that they are pretty), reading glasses, candy wrappers, and a large stainless steel bowl - among other things. On the floor, surrounding my chair is a landslide of papers, 20 years worth of journals, a Bible, colored pencils, an overflowing trash can, a headphone set, and oh looky there - one of Ethan's socks! I'm a little nervous that when I actually begin the cleanup process I may find the remains of one of my dinners from past days (although "dinner" may be exaggerating the odd bits of food I've consumed). You think I'm joking, but I won't even describe the kitchen to you. (I do have a little dignity, you know.) I'm sorry that I'm not unveiling a grand masterpiece to you all - that's not really the point. For some time now, I've been parceling out my creativity in small doses while keeping all the other balls up in the air. What a relief to stop juggling and just read and write and cut and color and glue... pure heaven, I tell ya!

Tomorrow reality will hit me over the head with a thud. It should have been today, but the sun was shining and the temperatures skyrocketed up to around 60, so Ethan and I went to the park for about three hours to hang out with a bunch of moms and kids from my Thursday morning Bible study. We had a great time! I got to have some good visit time with other moms while being warmed by the sun. Ethan spent the first hour up in a tree, but he eventually came down and played with the other kids. I think that he was just as excited about the tree as he was the friends. I would call up to him every so often to make sure that he wasn't stuck, and he would say "don't worry about me, Mom, I'm fine. But I really wish that I could climb higher."

So now is the time to catch you up on recent events! I know that I have lots to fill you in on about John's visit, but that will be in a future post. First I want to show you the photos from our Minnesota trip!

Mom and Gary took Ethan and me to a place that has an indoor water park! It was such a treat to immerse ourselves in water. I think it had been at least two years since I'd donned a swimming suit. (Yikees! I'm not going there.) Anyway... Ethan was in pure heaven!

Ethan started out on the smaller water slides that he could comfortably do by himself:

And then graduated to this:

He took turns riding the monster slide with Mom, Gary, and me in a double inner tube:

He even graduated to doing it on his own!

There was a lazy river:

And a hot tube to warm up in:

On another day, we visited the Mall of America, and Ethan had more fun than one little boy could ever imagine!

This was Ethan's favorite ride - the swings:

And bumper cars:

Ethan and I rode two different roller coasters. This was the milder of the two!

We got to visit the aquarium in the mall:

Ethan was desperately trying to find a matching real shark for his new shark:

Found it!

And of course, best of all, we were able to spend time with family...

We stayed the majority of the time at Dave and Trisha's house. Ethan fell absolutely in love with his Aunt Trish! He talked her ear off and she won him over by coloring with him. This is Dave, Trish, and baby Tanner:

Ethan also loved spending time with "Grandma" and "Papa" again after more than a year without getting to see them! Here's Mom and Gary with Tanner:

Ethan with his new cousin!

All in all, we had a wonderful trip! I was also able to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. We had a great visit with a good friend I hadn't seen in three years. Then in a completely surprising turn of events, my matron of honor from my wedding happened to be in Wisconsin - only a couple of hours from where we were! We had not seen each other since my wedding day 15 years ago. I was able to see her and her family (the last time I saw her she didn't have kids, and now she has three children and one more on the way) and even got to see her sister and her family. I was so glad that they could also meet Ethan!

Thanks for your patience with me. I'll be back in a few days with photos from John's surprise visit!

Quick answers...

2009-03-27T16:02:00.002-06:00

Thanks for all the sweet comments! We have been having a wonderful week despite John getting sick for a couple of days. I thought I'd just take the time to answer a couple of questions you asked...

Gena: John really loved my hair!

Rebecca: The wonderfully trustworthy guy has not fixed my computer yet. But I'm finding that I really don't
mind! :-)

I must go for now, as I'm typing this on my IPod and my thumbs are getting tired! I'll check back in later with longer posts and photos when my computer is up and running.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-24T14:28:00.002-06:00

So I was unpacking my suitcases this afternoon, and John called to tell me that he did some checking around and found a guy in our town who would fix my computer for me. I wondered why not just take it to the same guys who fixed it last time. He said, "no, I really trust this guy. He will even come to the house and fix it for you." Before I even had a chance to listen to all of the warning bells in my head that statement brought on, he said "In fact, he's at the house now. Go answer the door." I opened the door to find JOHN standing there!! I think that I laughed and cried all at the same time and took a good 30 seconds to actually think to hug him! My hands are still shaking so badly I can hardly type... Some incredibly sweet friends of ours from our church in Florida bought him a ticket to come. He gets to be here for a whole week! John had called a friend from work to pick him up at the airport and drop him off at the top of the driveway. I don't know when I've ever been that completely surprised!! Ethan is absolutely thrilled and is glued to John's side as we speak. The three of us made our way over to the big house and just surprised the life out of Loretta, Reni and Mike. And the dogs. You should have heard the yelling and crying and laughing going on... Ethan did a great job pulling off the surprise. OK... I'm off to go stare at my husband for a while and pinch myself that he's actually really here... talking... and breathing... and... HERE.

Home!

2009-03-23T16:21:00.001-06:00

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that we have arrived home safely! I have a computer virus, so I'm on Reni's computer at the moment. When mine is fixed, I'll put some photos up for you to see all the fun we had!

Heading Home...

2009-03-22T16:38:00.001-06:00

Our ten days in Minnesota have flown by! We have had a great time, and I have all kinds of photos to show you when we get home. We fly home to Montana tomorrow morning! I'll talk to you in a day or so. :-)

March 19, 1994....

2009-03-18T21:41:00.006-06:00

15 years ago today, we were married! In so many ways, I can't believe that it's already been 15 years, and in other ways it feels like a lifetime. How could I not have been born knowing this person who knows me better than I even know myself? He understands exactly what I mean even when I utterly fail at my attempts in communication. He manages to find something beautiful in me even on my ugliest days. He balances me in the most wonderful of ways. He chooses to stay with me on the bad days, or weeks, or months. Our marriage is not perfect, but I don't expect that it ever can be, given our humanness and all. What it is, is uniquely ours. It is the life that we continue to build together. And on this special anniversary, I just want to publicly thank John for choosing me. For loving me. For holding me so tightly that I feel that I will never be afraid again. And for holding me so loosely that I live with complete freedom to be myself. If he gives me nothing else for the rest of my life, that will be enough.

Because it's a special day, you know that there has to be a song! :-) I've been saving the song "We Will Dance" by Steven Curtis Chapman, for just this occasion. It says exactly what I would like to say to John today...

(click "standalone player")

John,

I'm so sorry that I can't be with you today... our first anniversary apart! I love and miss you so very much!

All my love,
Sarah

On a trip...

2009-03-13T11:00:00.003-06:00

I was planning to update yesterday to let you know that Ethan and I are going to Minnesota for 10 days to see my parents. I'm also going to finally get to hold my new nephew Tanner! (Of course I'm excited about getting to see his parents, Dave and Trish too!)

So... before I had a chance to update yesterday, my computer got ANOTHER virus! Grrrr. I am about to leave to pick Ethan up and head to the airport - should have left 5 min. ago - but I grabbed a minute to get on Loretta's computer. I may have a chance to update from MN, but probably not often. I will miss you all while I'm gone!

The new "do"

2009-03-09T23:20:00.001-06:00

Just Checking In...

2009-03-08T11:51:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to check in to say hi. I've got nothing terribly new or exciting to report.

I've had a busy week for the first time in a long time. I've gotten together with some friends and I had my hair done! The hair appointment was long overdue, and when that happens, the outcome is usually pretty exciting. This time was no different. I didn't go for a drastic change in style, but I opted to take a risk with the color! I'm so not sorry that I did. I'll try to get a photo up for you soon. It's very nearly platinum! You know how you like to find a look for your hair that is just perfectly "you"? Well that's usually what I'm going for. This time, I think I went a little farther outside of that box and went for the "me" that I would really like to be. :-) It's fun and interesting and I'm just really loving it.

So that's the news for now. I will get you a photo as soon as I can!

Love and marriage according to Ethan

2009-03-04T20:29:00.003-07:00

As I was tucking Ethan in for the night, I was treated to a particularly amusing insight:

"Mommy, I don't want to ever get married. Because you have to kiss with lipstick. Ewwwwww, yuck! You have to kiss on the lips. And your lips go flat." (His poor little six year old mind just couldn't wrap around the horror of it all...)

Update on Josh

2009-03-03T20:26:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that Tania said that the test results came back to show that Josh's cancer is stage I. They are so thankful for that news! Thank you for praying, and please continue. I believe that Josh started chemo on Monday, but I've not heard how it went.

Unexpected Treasures

2009-03-02T13:07:00.002-07:00

Years ago, before we made the switch to a digital camera, we had gotten behind in developing some film. And then we forgot about it. John just took a bunch of rolls in to be developed, and found some priceless photos! I had realized some time ago that we didn't have many photos of Ethan as a baby. Now I know why.

Here are a few of the little treasures that were discovered:

Ellie loved to take care of her baby brother...

Daddy and his little ones...

Sometimes we just need a little perspective

2009-03-01T10:16:00.002-07:00

Ethan: "When I hurt myself on that wood, I should have died."

Loretta: "Why should you have died?"

Ethan: "Because then I would LIVE!"

Prayer Request

2009-02-28T09:53:00.009-07:00

I wanted to pass on a prayer request to you, as you have all been so faithful to pray for us over these years.

Some of you will remember me telling you about my friends Josh and Tania Julin and Tania's daughters Tamra and Jessica. (The girls' dad, Mark Rich was kidnapped and killed with my dad and their friend and co-worker, Rick Tenenoff.) During Ellie's memorial service in Florida, Jessica sang a song that she wrote while her new step-dad Josh accompanied her on the keyboard. During that time, Tania was pregnant and then lost the baby.

Well, Tania is again happily pregnant and due in April. I believe that things are going pretty well, other than Tania needing to be off of her feet more towards the end of the pregnancy. But they have just received the news that Josh has non-Hodgkin’s, high grade, Lymphoma. He just completed more tests to determine what stage it is, and they don't have the results back yet. Yesterday Josh had a port put in, and Monday he will start chemo. His schedule is six rounds of chemo - one every 2.5 - 3 weeks - just like Ellie's. The doctors feel that Josh's prognosis is quite good, but of course will know more once all test results are in.

I must admit that my first thought was "Oh Lord, no! Please don't let this sweet family go through one more thing. Why can't they just finally have some peace and happiness?" I cried off and on for the better part of a day. Tania and I have been emailing back and forth some over the past week about it all. I have to tell you - I just admire her so much. Tania always has this way of being able to be sad and even ask God the hard questions, all the while knowing that God is still faithful. It's hard to describe, but I've always seen her this way. When Tania feels sad, she is SAD. And even when God's plan doesn't make sense, she finds a way to both question Him and trust Him all at the same time.

Tania has also said that they have had some sweet times together as a family. Tamra is in college in Gainsville, and had just come through surgery on her knee when they got the news of Josh's cancer. Jessica is in her senior year of high school and living with Tania and Josh. They all gathered with Tamra as she recovered and had a very special time. I have been in such awe of the way that God brought their little family together. I believe that their bond is quite unusual. Those girls were teenagers when their mom remarried, but they love Josh with all of their hearts. They even decided that they didn't want to call him "Josh". They decided to call him "Papa." And Josh has been the best Papa ever. I have loved watching Tania and the girls flourish in his care.

The other day when I was picking Ethan up from school, I heard a song on the radio. I had never heard it before, and it took some doing to track it down on the Internet because I wasn't able to hear either the title or the singer. This song could have easily been written for and about Tania and her family.

Our Hope Endures - by Natalie Grant
(click on "pop-out player")

Lyrics:

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

My beloved computer has come home...

2009-02-24T20:07:00.003-07:00

...wish I could say the same of my beloved husband. Ah well, one thing at a time.

I am so happy to have my laptop home safe and sound! It's just not right how much I missed it.

John and I shared our morning coffee via webcam this morning. On some nights, John will even read Ethan his bedtime chapter of Narnia over the computer. Isn't technology great?

Well, for now there isn't much to share. The days have been passing in a reasonably sane sort of routine. I'm off to wrangle a tired little boy into his bed... wish me luck! Seriously.

Checking in...

2009-02-21T15:45:00.003-07:00

I still don't have my computer back from the shop, so I am down at the big house using La's computer. I just can't stand to be disconnected that long. In case you ever had any doubt, I would so not do well living "off the grid".

John has safely arrived in Florida. He had a good and uneventful trip. Ethan has been doing reasonably well. He does miss John, and loves to snuggle up in one of John's tee-shirts at night. Once I get my computer back, we plan to do lots of web-camming. John will even read Narnia to Ethan at night over the web-cam. I'm hoping that it doesn't end up making Ethan sadder.

Ethan is enrolled in "Little Guy Wrestling" at school, and so far seems to be loving it! He flat out refused to consider wrestling if he had to wear the "singlet" that they are required to wear for tournaments, and I was facing one of those all or nothing kinds of decisions. I was able to work a deal to allow Ethan to go to the practices three nights a week, and keep him out of the Saturday tournaments. This has worked out wonderful so far! He loves getting to excercise and wrestle, but has none of the pressure of competition, cheering fans, and singlet torture. And I don't have to travel all over western Montana every Saturday. See? Everybody wins! Under ordinary circumstances I would have forced the issue and made Ethan go all in or not at all, but there is only so much trauma that the little guy can go through at one time. It was easy to see that just participating in practice would do a world of good for Ethan. It has been hilarious to watch the practices. Ethan is among the smallest boys, with the exception of a couple of pre-schoolers, and it is just so cute to watach these little guys attack each other's legs and roll around on the mat. A couple of times I had to hold my breath, just waiting for Ethan to explode in anger over the offence of having his head whacked or arm twisted as he fell. But the boys just roll over and grin at each other. And the warm ups are just as entertaining. They run back and forth, cartwheel, and summersault down the mats. Needless to say, he sleeps great on those nights! I plan to get some photos and video to share with you.

Hopefully I will be back in touch before too many days go by... I REALLY hope that my computer is done by Monday! :-)

Offline for some time...

2009-02-15T18:23:00.005-07:00

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that John will be leaving for Florida sometime tomorrow. Please pray for a safe trip (it will probably take around 5 days).

I will be offline for a while - I'm not sure how long yet. My computer has a vicious virus. John's been working on it, but it's too complicated to fix in time, and he needs to pack. John will be taking his computer with him to Florida, and I will try to get mine fixed ASAP.

I'll be back as soon as I can...

In the meantime, I leave you with some photos of my parents with my new nephew, Tanner!

Gary (AKA "Papa" to all the grandkids) feeding Tanner:

Mom (AKA "Grandma") with baby Tanner:

Kisses for Grandma:

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T08:43:00.006-07:00

John and I went out last night for sushi to celebrate Valentine's Day. We had a great time and enjoyed seeing Vinnie - the owner/sushi chef. He's great! When we came in he asked if we wanted to order something or if he should just put a little something together. We opted to trust Vinnie's judgment and were not disappointed! The man is just plain talented. I thought I'd describe what we ate for the sushi lovers out there... One of the rolls was the freshest Hawaiian swordfish you can imagine with avocado and tobiko (flying fish roe). The other roll was white tuna with cream cheese, mango, and citrus tobiko. Pure Heaven!

John and Ethan let me sleep in this morning, and when I woke up, I found them dressed in matching flannel shirts! John had a beautiful card waiting for me, along with a little book of quotes. We have been buying each other miniature books ever since we got married, but it's been years since either one of us has thought about that. I loved the fact that he remembered. John also got Ethan a really cute card with a lion on it that lights up. Ethan LOVED that! And this year, I did absolutely nothing. Bad wife. Thankfully, John understands...

Here we are on the top of Mount Aneas last summer (We were wearing mosquito nets on our heads because the bugs were so terrible.):

So, I hope that you are all having a lovely Valentine's Day. Go and hug someone you love!

Just busy...

2009-02-11T10:22:00.002-07:00

No, we've not fallen off the face of the earth. We've just been busy. John leaves on Monday and he's been spending all of his non-working time fixing up all the little (and big) things here at the house and sorting stuff in the attic. So that's it. Nothing exciting.

We did break the news to Ethan that John was going to Florida to work and so far he's taking it well. We shall see how it goes once John leaves... We are not telling Ethan of our plan to move to Florida yet. We're trying to hit him with one thing at a time. Plus, if something changes in our plan and we end up staying here, we won't have jerked Ethan's emotions around too much. So, for those of you who may come into contact with Ethan, the official word is that Daddy is in Florida working and will be coming back when Kindergarten is over.

Our first snow day!

2009-02-06T08:03:00.002-07:00

... Or I should say "ice day". I've discovered that they don't cancel school around here on account of the snow. Snow is just a way of life! But there is a weather condition going on today that is causing everything to ice over. Ethan got to wake up to the news that he gets an extra day to his weekend. (Unfortunately, his built in body alarm clock did not let him sleep in.) He's eating his cereal and watching a movie right now - and humming! The boy almost never hums. I must admit, there is something so happy about a snow day! (Or hurricane day, like we got in Florida.)

Limbo... you gotta love it (or not)

2009-02-03T08:33:00.002-07:00

We are now in the throes of sorting stuff. John wants to get the things in the attic sorted and packed so that when he comes back in June, the bins can be moved right into the U-Haul. It's a good plan.

Unfortunately, yesterday I had a crisis. I got so overwhelmed with the combination of too much chaos and not enough space. Every room in the house was jammed. A week or so ago we put together a huge fort of cardboard boxes in Ethan's room, which takes up half of the space in there. And then we realized that having our bed fill up the small room it was in had caused condensation to form where the wall meets the floor on two sides (they are outer walls of the house). Our king sized mattress was all moldy on the bottom - about half of the mattress was wet and covered in mold. We hauled it to the dump immediately. It's just not worth the health risks... We will now be sleeping on the sofa and an air mattress until John leaves. Then I will continue sleeping on the sofa. By yesterday afternoon I was about to hyperventilate from the chaos of it all. So we did a little re-arranging of the living room and set up our bedroom as a staging area for things to sort. It did a world of good for me! As of this morning, I have a clean and fairly organized house. Or at least set up to be organized. I can now take big deep breaths. Ahhhhh.

Superbowl Sunday

2009-02-01T09:24:00.007-07:00

For years, this has been the saddest day of the year for me. I now have several more days to compete with it. Sixteen years ago yesterday (Jan. 31) it was Superbowl Sunday, and my dad was kidnapped. He was not killed on this day, but it marks the anniversary of the day he was ripped from our lives.

I've never known how to honor Dad or what to do to commemorate the day. I usually end up going to some Superbowl party and feeling sad. Perhaps Ellie's death has taught me something. I don't know, but today I decided to look through letters that Dad sent me over the years as I was growing up. I spent a lot of time away from my parents in junior high and high school, as they were in the tribe and I was in the dorm. We kept in touch through letters. I thought I would share some excerpts of these letters with you...

My freshman year of high school

February, 1987

I love you Sarah, how could any dad be happier with a daughter? I look forward so much to seeing you and Chad again. You've grown to be more important to me than ever. Maybe I'm just paying more attention during the last few years, I don't know, but I love you and couldn't be happier with you as my daughter. Keep your head up sweetie-pie. You're special, God has someone special marked out for you, so look forward to that.

I love you. Happy Valentines!
Daddy

My sophomore year of high school

September, 1987

I miss you sweetie-pie. I just figured this will be our longest separation (not counting the Navy), almost 3 months. I've been praying for you every day. Don't get a big head or anything, but I couldn't be happier with you. You are all any father could want in a daughter, with frosting on top. I really love you Sarah, with all my heart. You make me proud to be your Dad. I know, that sounds like something most dads would say, but I mean it more than most dads. I love you.

See you before Thanksgiving if you don't get another letter in the mean time.

Love,
Your Dad

October, 1987

I'm glad you shared your feelings with us, that's much better than keeping them bottled up. I'm sure you know you can also share exactly how you feel with the Lord in our absence. You used to sing a song that contains the words "He knows how a young heart feels." In praying for you and Chad I have quoted that back to the Lord many times on your behalf when I didn't know exactly how to pray concerning some particular thing. God does know how you feel, and more importantly can act quickly to comfort your heart and change a situation. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7. I don't want to be guilty of 'throwing a verse at' your concerns, but this really works. God is just waiting for us to recognize our inability to handle our own difficulties.

Recently in Boca de Cupe I found myself in a situation so frustrating I just wanted to jump in a canoe and leave, even if I had to paddle up river alone. Two families had marriage problems, there were nasty rumors to contend with, false teaching, people out of fellowship and not even wanting to walk with God, and church hardly meeting at all, with no sound teaching. I was sick at heart. But God reminded me that He is sovereign and has all power to solve every problem, the solutions are not up to me, only the 'walking'. Dario and I had prayed for wisdom even before we knew what we faced in Boca de Cupe, we had confidence God was "able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." So we continued on with peaceful hearts and saw God work out several problems and start the process in others. We left the next day praising Him.

Sarah, we love you and have confidence you are walking with God and will see Him triumph both in your heart and in this situation. God has taught us things through you and the grace He always seems to give you.

Well, time to go. I love you Sarah honey, and look forward to seeing you before Thanksgiving.

Bye for now.
Daddy

(After this letter, I sent one to Mom and Dad in which they gathered I was having a really tough time. Mom came out of the tribe to spend almost a week with me - it was a total surprise! Dad had carved a small heart out of wood and sent it with this letter.)

Hello sweetie. How are you doing? I can't come, but I'm sending my heart and your mother. Have a good time with her, maybe you guys can get something worked out or at least cry on each others shoulders. Anyway I felt it was important that your Mom come out to see you. There has probably been too many adjustments to make all at once... a new dorm, Chad not there, us longer than usual interior. We understand how difficult so many changes, all at one time, can be.

I love you Sarah, sorry things have been so hard lately, but we know "all things work together for good..." We just trust the Lord in them.

See you in November sweetheart.

Love,
Daddy

March 1988

Dear Sarah Sweetie,

Hello... how is everything? Well Nurse Nancy did it again, every one's 'earth mother' helped deliver more babies, two at once this time. She thinks someone wants to give us one; I think it's just talk, but it doesn't take much to get your mother's hopes up. She is going to start an orphanage in Pucuro yet.

We did pretty well on our language tests. Your mother is now into level three and I'm a high two. We can carve another notch into our tape recorder. Maybe we will both be mid-level three by the time we go on furlough.

We have BIG surprise for you when you come in so you can be curious about it until next Saturday. It's really BIG!

How is the food supply in Chame? Are you down to a diet of bee's knees and humidity yet? We are doing o.k. in here. The people say we can eat with them if we run out of groceries.

Well, we will see you in a week sweet-heart, can't hardly wait. (It's really BIG.)

Love,
Daddy

(I flew in a week later for spring break. The big surprise was that Dad had knocked a hole in the wall of my bedroom, and built a BEAUTIFUL window seat. Mom made cushions for it and covered them with pink and white gingham, and made pink curtains for it. I loved it. I could sit there and read, or look out over the village at sunset. He was right - it was BIG.)

My junior year in high school.
(We were on furlough, so I spent most of this year with my parents. But in September, Mom and Dad were in Florida taking a computer course, while I was in California staying with friends and going to school.)

September, 1988

[Regarding the computer course] Every time I sit down in front of this thing I have an irresistible urge to fasten my seat belt, but I can't find one on the chair. We are having a great time and learning a lot in the process. These are such amazing machines and programs. They are to writing what "Space Mountain" at Disney is to walking. Simply thrilling!

I probably should be going...tired...tired...tired. We are spending about 12 hours a day at this, but it is exciting. I love you Sarah honey, sure do miss you. A good thought, it says in Hebrews that we have "confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus." Let's not forget that our access moment by moment is gained by the blood, not by us or our maturity in the Lord. Bye for now. Happy Birthday Sweetie-pie.

Love,
Daddy

My senior year of high school.
(I don't have too many letters from that time, but this ending to one makes me smile...)

February, 1990

I should go sweetie. I love you. If I tried to tell you how much you mean to me I would probably get the paper all wet. Suffice it to say you won, free and clear, a big part of my heart.

Love,
Dad

I spent the next year living with my Grandma Lois in California.
(I was dating someone - not John. Dad sent this letter to both of us.)

July, 1990

Dear Sarah and _______,

Hello, how are things these days? I have been thinking a lot about our conversation yesterday, Sarah, on the phone. That is why I decided to address this to both of you, because you are going through this together.

First of all, know that we are praying for you both every day and have been for over a year. You are on our hearts a lot, even in the day to day stuff that we do. We know something of how you feel. We haven't forgotten what it is like to meet someone who captures your attention and affection, to the extent that most everyone else fades into the background. Time apart, any time, seems too long; time together, not long enough. Yeah... we remember!

We also remember the frustration and pressure to sort out your feelings. Fearing to move too fast or too slowly in a growing relationship. "How does he (or she) feel? How do I feel, really? Am I liable to hurt them? Am I going to get hurt?" That seems to be all part of the normal process, which knowing doesn't make it any easier, but it does make us human.

You two have a huge advantage that we didn't have. You know and love the Lord. We were on our own for the most part, feeling our way through this delightful mine field. You have the Guide we didn't have. You have an opportunity to enjoy the best part of your relationship without bogging down in the mud of thinking with your feelings. Please, trust the Lord and walk with Him in this the way you do in other things.

It is too early to sort out your feelings. You have no commitment to each other, don't feel forced to make one. I just read in Mark, Peter's brave words about dying with Jesus rather than denying Him. In a matter of hours Peter was reduced to a mournful liar. He didn't know his own heart. But the Lord did, and He knows our hearts better than we do.

We, by nature, seem to run to two extremes. Either we refuse to commit ourselves to someone or something, or we are too hasty in making commitments that we can't live up to. Jesus said "count the cost." Sure He was talking about discipleship, but the principle applies to any kind of commitment. Of course we can also make a charade out of counting the cost by never reaching a decision.

So, we have to rely on the One who knows our hearts and the situation best, and His own plan for our lives. In the mean time you can relax, knowing that God in His own timing will reveal to your hearts what your true feelings are and where His is leading you. Go ahead, spend time together, a lot of time. Get to know each other, enjoy each others company as only two know and trust God with their lives can. Would to God that we had known what you know now when we were in your shoes. When I said mine field, I meant it. You can't possibly understand what it is like without the Lord during that same time in our lives.

One final parting shot. It is truly a rare thing to really love someone this early in the game. I read once that most often we are in love with love at this stage, or at best infatuated. I would have to agree with that. Love comes over a period of time as you go through the hard things and come out the other side intact. It comes as you learn to accept the uglier things about the other person without it effecting their value to you. It comes when you don't fear that one knowing what you think or how you feel, because they will still love you anyway. It comes when you notice those little things about the other one that they don't even notice themselves, but make you love them all the more for it. It is the result of time in a relationship. Being good friends as you are now is the best place to begin. Who knows, maybe you really are falling love.

Therefore, (your mother says I need a 'therefore') relax and love the time you are able to spend with each other now, that is the good part. Don't be afraid of hurting each other, or you won't truly get to know each other. Which isn't to say it's. o.k. to be careless with each others feelings either. The Lord will show you the balance. I think I will leave it there with the Lord.

Love,
Dad

So... on this day, I will remember my dad's legacy of wisdom, and love for God. I remember that he was reserved and incredibly creative. He had a dry (and in my eyes, hysterical) sense of humor. And I remember how very much he loved me. I will imagine him getting to meet my sweet Ellie. That thought brings me comfort, even as I cry.

Change is in the air...

2009-01-29T08:42:00.011-07:00

This past month has been rather draining for me for a couple of reasons. Partly, I have been just recovering from the emotional toll that November and December took on me. But the other reason is that we have been grappling with some big decisions. Now that we have settled on a plan, I believe that the time is right to share it.

We have decided to move back to Florida. There is something startling about reading it there in black and white! I've been practicing it, and thinking it, and imagining it... but now that I write it, I feel a bit woosey.

I remember writing to you about our decision to move out to Montana, and later, about our decision to settle in here. I believe that I mentioned that we did not know what God had for our future - whether this would be where we would live long term. We just knew that we needed to come. And plan to stay.

One of the most difficult things for me when we began to talk about the possibility of returning to Florida, was wondering how we could have been so certain that this was where God wanted us, only to go back. I was afraid that it meant that our decision to come was somehow wrong. I really struggled with that. The more that I think about it, the more I know how right it was. As time passes, I feel like I'm emerging from a sort of fog. I look back and realize that our decision to move out here was made during Ellie's treatment, and in the midst of incredible stress. Ellie was our entire reason for being here. I believe with all of my heart that we needed to be here for her. We had no idea how quickly Ellie would die, but once she was gone, we knew that we could not pull up stakes and move. That would not have been good for Ethan or for our whole family. In the midst of our grief, to move would have been unthinkable. So our decision to stay was made during a time of intense emotional pain. We needed to be here for us. I was talking with a friend recently, and she mentioned how the Bible mentions letting a field lie fallow for a year. That is how this past year has felt for our family. It has been a "nothing" year. I can't even tell you how important this year of rest has been for us. It has been a year where nothing has needed to be accomplished. Where putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day could count as a success. It has been a gift from God.

You know, back in December, I talked about the magical "one-year mark" after a person loses a loved one. I still believe that there is no point in time at which the grief stops or even lessens. But I have come to understand why our culture places (or at least used to place) significance on the one year milestone. I believe that this is the time when the fog begins to roll back. You sort of lift up your head to see that there is a whole world out there. There are other people who exist in this world. There is the rest of your life left to live. This realization brings with it an incredible amount of pain because you feel your loss even deeper. John has told me that he feels "stunned" because he realizes that this is forever. Ellie is never ever coming home. The point when the fog lifts is the moment when you actually see the rest of your life stretched out ahead of you without one of your world's most precious joys. Sometimes what you see out on the horizon is beautiful, and sometimes it's terribly scary. But the point is that you can see. When you live in the fog, there is simply no visibility. Your whole world is confined to a radius of a few feet. There is a certain feeling of safety in that. Unfortunately (big sigh) we were not put on this earth to feel safe.

Now that you know that "what" of our big news, I will explain some of the "why". But first, I'm taking you on a little rabbit trail into my history. I promise, it will connect up to the main thread... eventually. :-) You can just chalk it up to getting one more piece of the complicated puzzle that is me!

I have always had a desire in my life to put down roots. Almost as far back as I can remember, we moved around. Our family moved all over the U.S. in training to become missionaries. When we finally ended up in Panama, we did not stay in one home for long. During those years, I went back and forth between the two dorms (one year here and another year there...), and visited my parents in the tribe during vacation. I learned during those years, that the house didn't matter as much as my "stuff". So I started a habit that has continued to this day. I bring my stuff with me, and set up a "base camp." If the furniture is arranged to my liking, and my things are around me, then it is home. (Some of you may remember the insane amount of set-up I would do with Ellie in the hospital or Ronald McDonald House.) When we got married, we moved about 10 times in the first 10 years. I remember one time when I did the math, I figured out that I had lived in about 30 different houses in as many years. I have jokingly referred to myself as a nomad, but I have to admit that there is a good bit of truth in that statement. Still, I'm a nomad with a desire for roots. Every time we move, I think that it's permanent. I settle in as if it's going to be the home that I will die in. I think, more than planning for the future, for me it's about living in the moment. In the moment, wherever I am, it feels permanent. Does that make sense? (It made sense in my head.)

When Ethan was one, and Ellie was five, we bought a house. We were so excited to own our own home! We had lots of work to do, as the house was built in 1949, and still had it's original (and run down) thimble-sized kitchen. It even came with it's own pink shag carpet which had obviously been oh so chic when it was put down in 1960-something. We were delighted to find the original hardwood floors, waiting for a little TLC, hidden beneath all that faded carpet. With lots of help from family, our little home turned into a beautiful and comfy spot to settle. Among other things, we painted over the bright pink shutters and door (shudder).

When we moved to Montana, we planned on leaving that house behind. We hoped that it would sell, but in the meantime we rented it out. Unfortunately, the market turned and we now owe more on the house than we can sell it for. I know that so many people all over the country are in the same boat. Sadly, we are now in the position where we have only two options open to us... go back to Florida and save the house, or stay here in Montana and let the house foreclose. Given the uncertain nature of the economy these days, we believe that the wisest decision we can make is to return to our house in Florida.

How will this all play out?

John plans on leaving in the middle of February, and driving our car back to Floria. John's dad and brother-in-law have kept the lawn business active, just not up to full capacity. They have enough work to take up about a day and a half of work per week. John will work on getting more properties to maintain so as to work full time. March is a very good time to be there because that is usually when things start growing with a vengeance in Florida, and people begin to look for someone to mow their lawns. Unfortunately, people everywhere are falling on hard times, and it is not likely that finding work will be as easy as it has been in the past. But that is another reason why John wants to get a head start.

The plan is for Ethan and me to stay behind in Montana until Ethan finishes kindergarten in May. This is the most difficult part of the plan. We are really sad that it has to be this way, but every time we re-work the plan, it comes back to this. We just don't believe that it's a good idea to switch schools on Ethan in the middle of this year. Kindergarten is so foundational in the learning process, and while we have a wonderful school for him in Florida, the curriculum is different from the one here. We don't want to risk any gaps in Ethan's first year of learning. We are trying to hold everything loosely at this point, though. If John gets to Florida and we find that this separation is just way too traumatic for Ethan, then we can go to plan B. Staying somewhat settled here in Montana until the summer is also a good idea in case something unforeseen happens that changes our direction and we end up not moving. We don't anticipate that as a real probability, but anything is possible.

This was truly a difficult decision. We were equally torn in both directions, and the thing that tipped the scales was the fact that this seems like the wisest financial decision that we can make. We are asking God to close the doors if we should not move, but for now they all seem to be opening.

We would really appreciate your prayers over these next months. I dread the separation from John, particularly for Ethan. We really hate to do this to Ethan again. We will also be apart on our 15th anniversary - we've never been away from each other on our anniversary. I do know in my head that it's just another day, like any other day. (My heart feels like beating my head up when I talk like that. But my head is pretty tough... she can hold her own in a fight. The heart can be such a whiner at times, but over the years the head has learned to silence her with one stern look. There are rare occasions, however, when the heart sneaks up on her logical twin and clobbers her with a baseball bat. John will tell you that such moments are unpleasant and when they happen, innocent bystanders long for an invisibility cloak. The fallout is not pretty. Sorry, I just snatched you up and took you on a sudden flight of fancy!) John will have a lot of work ahead of him to do all that he wants to do to prepare for our coming in June. He needs to drive out there and buy a truck (ironic that we just sold the truck) and then try to get as much business as possible. He will also be painting the house before we get there. When Ethan is out of school, John will fly out here and pack us up in a U-Haul and drive us back to Florida.

Another cause of some anxiety for me is that I will need to get a full time job once Ethan starts first grade. I haven't worked outside of the home for over ten years, and I'm just not sure what to expect... The whole process is scary for me, but I'm also sort of looking forward to it. I just don't know what's out there. If you know of anyone in the Orlando area who's looking for an artistic free spirit with a high school education who can type 65 WPM and loves Jesus, just let me know! How's that for a unique skill set? I would also love a job where I could dress up a little (you know I really am that vain) but I do realize that beggars can't be choosers. John says that I can say that I've been the general in a small war. (I don't guess I'd need to say that I was a rather meek little general...) It sure would be nice if life experience counted for something. I do have that in spades! In the meantime I will be honing (and perhaps editing) my resume a bit. :-)

Well, that's the scoop. The whole idea of leaving and all of the change that goes along with it has me feeling sad. Decorating the house in my head does help with that, and I'm excited about seeing friends and family in Florida. It's hard feeling like we are in limbo once again. I don't feel like I'm here anymore, but I'm not there either. Mostly I just want to crawl into bed and put the covers over my head. I've felt like that all month. This too shall pass...

Thanks once again for being here. For waiting patiently for me to get my thoughts together. For caring. Will you join us on our next adventure?

In other news... did you know that this post is number 400? I thought that was kind of cool!

Hi

2009-01-28T00:05:00.001-07:00

I decided that I'd better just log on and at least say "hi". I know it's hard to believe, but I just really don't have much to say. I was wracking my brain trying to think of something interesting or funny or even sad. But I've got nothing. Sorry. I guess it's just one of those boring kind of weeks.

Lots of love...

I'm an auntie again!

2009-01-20T21:34:00.004-07:00

Remember the baby shower I went to in Minnesota?

Tanner Lee Hamm was born Saturday morning, January 17 at 1:50am. He weighs 8 pounds 9 ounces and is 20 1/2 inches long. Proud dad and mom are David and Trisha Hamm (David is my step-brother).

Trisha says:
"Tanner has a little bit of fluid in his lungs so he has been in NICU since his birth. The doctor says he is totally fine, but they are keeping him in the hospital and administering antibiotics just to be on the safe side. He will come home on Wednesday [tomorrow!]. Otherwise, he is a perfectly healthy, calm and very alert baby boy."

Oh how I wish I could be there to kiss his little head... I can't get over how much he looks like Ethan did when he was born!

Martin Luther King Jr. Day...

2009-01-19T14:27:00.002-07:00

... from the mind of Ethan.

"Now all the brown people and the white people can play together!"

That just makes me smile.

Trip Pics

2009-01-16T20:32:00.007-07:00

I'm so sorry that I haven't posted all week. I feel like I've been busy, but I can't even figure out what I've been doing. It just went by quickly for some reason.

I finally have photos of our trip for you!

This was the only time we saw the sky on our trip over to Seattle:

It quickly went back to this:

Our friend, Noelle, took us all around to show us the sights:

We got to ride on a ferry!

You will notice that there are no photos of Noelle and me... While John was hopping all over the ferry snapping pictures, we were sitting very still, facing forward, trying not to toss our cookies. While we didn't exactly kiss the ground when we embarked, this was still a welcome sight:

Another sight that we aren't used to in Montana:

For supper, Noelle took us to an Ethiopian restaurant! The food was so good that I have been craving it ever since. I don't know when or how, but someday I WILL find a way to have Ethiopian food again!!

The next day, we hit downtown Seattle. It reminded us afresh of how much we love New York!

Noelle and me in front of a lovely little flower shop:

Some of you may remember this famous marketplace... (When we got back to Montana, I went to the Salvation Army and found a beautiful little print of a water color paining that was done by an artist who has a studio in this marketplace. This sign is on the print! I spent a whopping $1.50!)

Think Sleepless in Seattle (among other movies)...

John wandered around taking pictures while Noelle and I did some shopping.

I put in that last picture because it just makes John so happy. The next one is much more to my liking!

Oh yes, we went to the very first ever Starbucks - established the year before I was born. This was what the store looked back back then:

John and Noelle in a much updated version of the store... and yes, I bought a mug.

We were too hungry to make it to supper time without a snack, so we ducked into this little Russian bakery for some delicious pastries. Mine was stuffed with meat and mushrooms... yummy!

It was getting dark and raining, but we couldn't leave without at least snapping a couple pictures of the Space Needle.

For supper, sticking with the international theme we had going... we chose Japanese. We LOVE sushi, and there is this wonderful restaurant that actually has an all you can eat buffet. Wow. We've never experienced that much variety in sushi because we always have to choose a couple of rolls. It was incredible. Whenever I eat sushi, I can hear Ellie's voice in my head. She used to muster up a most superior sounding tone in her voice and stick her little nose in the air and say "Aunt Mellie and I do not eat food that is looking back at us!" She remembered a story we told her of a sushi place in NY where our order came to the table with a fish head as a garnish. And another time when her Uncle Richard had a whole fish on his plate. Ellie and Melanie never let us forget that! I am pleased to say that there were no fish looking at us in this restaurant. While I would have never admitted it to Ellie, I can do without my meal staring back at me...

I don't have any photos of the next day. We had a relaxing morning at Noelle's house, then went to a couple of stores that I don't get to go to here... Whole Foods and Trader Joe's (yes, Tricia, I finally got to go to one!!) We got some groceries and headed back to Noelle's to cook dinner and play games for the evening. That whole day was our "gift day" because we were supposed to be traveling home, but got stuck due to flooding. I must say, we thoroughly enjoyed our gift!

The day after that, we got an early start for home. The weather was clear and gorgeous!

A quaint little town in Washington - Leavenworth. All of the buildings were German architecture. We got off the interstate to drive through the town because it was so neat!

It was fun to see the changing landscape as we drove. We couldn't see any of this on our first trip because the visibility was so terrible.

Back home... we didn't need a sign to tell us that we were back in Montana. The snow kind of spoke for itself. :-)

Hello again... we're back!

2009-01-09T21:44:00.002-07:00

We are finally back... a day late, but home safe and sound. We went to Seattle. Have you heard that name in the news recently? We ended up stuck there an extra day because all of the mountain passes were closed, and the road that would have taken us around the mountains was closed due to flooding! Ironically though, when we finally did make it out this morning, the weather was the sunniest that we had all week. We had almost no visibility all the way out from Montana. Between the snow, then fog, and finally rain, I think we had about a half hour where we actually saw the sky. It was at sunset... so beautiful! But when we got to the mountain pass to get into Seattle, it was closed. We found a lovely inn and stayed the night. Today, we had dry roads the entire trip and blue skies. It was wonderful to get to enjoy the scenery. John and I had a great time talking and even just riding together in silence at times. We love to travel together!

We had such a special time with our friend and her family. Her cancer is in remission and she is currently resting up and trying to get through some of the rough side effects of the treatments. We enjoyed catching up, and she took us all over the Seattle area to show us around. Even though getting stuck there for an extra day wasn't part of the original plan, we loved having the extra time.

Today was supposed to be John's first day back at work in over three weeks (enforced time off due to the economy). His boss was very understanding about our predicament and even told John that he was not included in the layoffs that we knew were coming. John, as well as all the others, will be cut back to fewer hours and he has to switch from the weekend shift to weekdays, but we are just so thankful that he has work!

So that's the brief overview. We have lots of photos, but I'm too tired to get them up tonight. Right now I have a sleepy and happy little boy to get into bed. We missed our little buddy so much!

I'll be back soon with more stories and photos. Thanks for the prayers for safety!

Road Trip!

2009-01-04T23:55:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting until the end of the week. John and I are going on a little road trip to visit a friend that we haven't seen in years. She has just finished treatment for cancer, and after catching up on the phone for a bit, we decided that it would be great to go see her. Ethan will be staying over at the other house with Loretta and everyone, and going to school, while John and I are away. We leave tomorrow and get back on Thursday night. I hope you all have a great week, and I'll be checking back when we get home!

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T14:35:00.003-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. I was so tired after the marathon week of blogging and then Christmas hit... During that whole week of blogging, I was having some sort of weird allergic reaction where my eyelids were all swollen and red, and then I caught a cold. I was MISERABLE! I think I'm finally in the land of the living again! :-) I had to go for much longer without wearing makeup than I'm comfortable with, and had to completely change my makeup in case I've developed an allergy to some of the ingredients. Another difficult side effect of the whole thing is that my eyelids are now very sensitive to my tears. Whenever I cry, it burns my eyelids all over again. So by all rights, I suppose I should just stop crying. Ummmm... NOT.

Here's a little glimpse into my pain...

Thankfully, I don't look like that anymore!

The anniversary of Ellie's death passed in a very good, albeit emotional, way. You all made it very special for me with your comments. Thank you for participating in such an encouraging way! Many people made that milestone incredibly meaningful for us. Some sweet friends of mine sent us flowers on the 19th. Some of the family who live too far away to be here in person, contributed with Loretta and Reni to build us a bouquet of flowers that began the week before the 19th. and was completed on that day. Along with a new flower for the bouquet, each day Loretta and Reni gave us a page from an album full of photos and letters from the family. (I shared Neal's with you on the blog.) I can't even describe to you how amazing that was! To have Ellie's life remembered and missed in such a tangible way, and to be showered with such love, was more than we ever expected.

I'm sorry I don't have all kinds of fun Christmas pictures for you. I think we may have taken some, but mostly we just settled in and enjoyed the whole experience with Ethan. There were tears as we decorated the tree without our girl. But there was also laughter as Ethan pulled his Narnia sword (from my parents) out of the wrapping paper, exclaiming "ohhhhh, oh my goodness, ohhhhhh my... ohhhhhh wow!!!!!" The boy of many words could barely put two intelligable ones together in his excitement.

We enjoyed some Christmas Eve webcam time with both of our families. Seeing our nieces in action was priceless, and it was a great time for Ethan and his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to see one another!

We had Christmas dinner with the family in town at John's cousin Derek's house. The food was incredible and we enjoyed spending the day with loved ones. There was a gift exchange where everyone gets to unwrap a gift or steal someone elses'. I opened a gorgeous photo album that Derek's wife, Roni, put together. It was full of family photos from September when everyone came to remember Ellie on her birthday. I am not a competitive person, but I wanted that album. I REALLY wanted it. Seriously... wanted it! After it was stolen from me, I made John steal it back. It all came down to Gayle (who is married to John's uncle Dick). She also wanted that album, but in a completely selfless and gracious move, she chose to unwrap a new gift, thus ending the game and sealing my victory! I will always treasure that album, not only for the memories it contains, but also for the love with which it was made by Roni, and given up by Gayle.

So... today begins the year 2009. I don't really make resolutions because I know that I am not disciplined enough to keep them. I don't want to set my new year up with an unattainable expectation (although I admire those who can). I'd rather not set it up with expectations of any kind. I think that the only thing I can be sure of for this new year is that there will be a measure of joy, sorrow and change. It is what every other year of my life has brought. And I know with absolute certainty that God will be with us every moment of every day in this new year. His love is rich and deep and full beyond measure. And it will be enough.

I have quoted this Happy New Year's card at least twice before on this blog, but this will be the first time I have ever used it at the beginning of a new year. Still, I feel as if it applies to our lives now as much as ever:

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: 'Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the known.' And he replied: 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to thee better than light and safer than a known way.'"

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T16:21:00.004-07:00

I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas! Thank you so much for the encouragement you've been to our family this season. We so appreciate the prayers and the love.

We are heading over to "the Big House" to have a Christmas Eve celebration with Loretta, Reni, Mike and Grandma. We'll have a nice quiet time with Ethan tomorrow morning, then head out to have a big family dinner with all of the family who live in this area. All in all, this promises to be a Christmas full of family and memories. We have lots of snow and cold temperatures (which is wonderful for us Florida folk). This is definitely a white Christmas! We do miss all of our family and friends who aren't with us this year, though.

So... from our family to yours - may you have a wonderful time of joy this Christmas!

Lots of love,
Sarah, John and Ethan

Kenny G - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

2008-12-24T16:21:00.001-07:00

Ellie's been in Heaven for ONE YEAR

2008-12-18T10:41:00.017-07:00

Thank you so much for participating in our week of giveaways! You've all been great. We drew the final name out of the hat this morning. The person who will be receiving the Ellie pillow is...

Amy Merrill from Davenport, Florida

This was her comment:

"You and your family have been a part of my life for more years than you realize. I have never met you or Ellie but my daughter, Lorenza, had lunch with Ellie when she was about 5. My mom met up with Stan for lunch somewhere on the outskirts of Orlando (Sanford I believe - it has been many years and my memory fails me). My mom knows him from church - she attends the chapel at NAS Mayport. Once Ellie was diagnosed, my mom told me about the blog and reminded me about Lorenza and Ellie having that meal. My daughter will be 10 in January (I have a wonderful son as well who turned 4 in July). I have read and kept up with your blog ever since. But you are more intertwined in my life than that lunch Lorenza had with Ellie or my mom knowing Stan. Lorenza's dad is Colombian. On our first family trip to Colombia my mom told me the story of a missionary that was taken from Panama by Colombian rebels and how the church was praying for him each week. She was petrified of my going to Colombia - especially with Lorenza who had just turned 2. It was through your blog I realized who that missionary was. The last little link was discovered last year. My husband of five years and I had started to get back in touch with people we had gone to high school with and my husband reconnected with one of his very good friends from high school who had married his high school girlfriend. As my family spent time with their family, my mom asked me if I knew the wife's maiden name - my mom thought maybe she could remember her from high school. I said 'her name was Hope Skees and my mom responded 'As in Ellie Skees???' I later confirmed with Hope that she is indeed related to John.

Your blog has made me smile. It has made me cry. There were times when I could not understand the magnitude or difficulty of the decisions you were making. I am, by nature, a very private person and have never commented before but I felt compelled to write this evening. Ellie has touched so many lives. I continue to marvel at your family’s ability to cope with this loss.

Now that I have said all that I find I am suddenly at a loss for words. I just want you to know that Ellie has touched so many peoples lives and I wanted to thank you for allowing us to share your life."

Congratulations, Amy! Thank you so much for your comment... it really is a small world. I am so thankful that you have chosen to walk this journey with us. Thank you for that. Please email me with your address and I will send you your pillow!

I will be mailing out all of the prizes on Monday. :-)

Edith "Mema" Tyler has so graciously agreed to share with us all on this very special day. I'm sure that you will be as touched and filled up to the brim with the love of God as I am! I just wanted to first say how blessed I have been by all of the incredible comments you have left. Mema mentions how she has also taken comfort from comments over the course of this journey that we have traveled together. That is the reason why I wanted to have a guest blogger on this day. We have all been knit together into a little community on this blog. You have gotten to know one another through the messages that you leave. I believe that nothing honors God more than when we love one another. And in that same spirit, it is the very thing that we can do to honor Ellie's memory as well! My Ellie girl's greatest desire in life was for those that she loved to live in harmony one with the other.

Please welcome our guest blogger, Mema!

Lamentations 3:21-26
"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeked him. It is good that a man (woman) should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord."

Micah 7:8
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: for when I fall I shall arise; when I sit in darkness the Lord will be a light unto me."

Romans 8:18
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Yesterday as I thought about this special honor I did not know what to share, so let me start with Ellie. I first heard about Ellie from my daughter-in-law Laura Tyler (Wingo) whose parents are missionaries with New Tribes. She called and told me to pray for Ellie and sent the blog site. At that time I had no idea the impact Ellie and her family would have on my life. I shared with the adult Sunday School class I teach about Ellie and we put her on our prayer list. The girls at work have prayed for Ellie many times and have sat and cried with me as I have read and experienced the journey with you and others. From the first time I read the blog I was overwhelmed with sadness that a mother and father would probably lose their daughter to cancer. As I followed the journey I was always rejoicing when Ellie would bounce back after being in ICU. The pictures, thoughts and experiences that were shared spoke volumes of the Lord and the amazing grace and strength He put into your lives. Mostly I believe I have loved the pictures and videos of Ellie dancing. That is where I adopted the phrase, "I will sing when I do not feel like singing and dance when I do not feel like dancing." What a beautiful sight to behold as Ellie would swirl around to the music and at those moments I felt like she could feel hope, joy, and peace. Lost in the movement, the sound and rhythm of the music. That always is how I feel when I can sit back against the Lord and feel His heartbeat and drink from His cup. Well Ellie is doing just that. Only now her dance and song is one the Angels can not do because it is the dance of the "REDEEMED!" What a wonder she must be to the Lord as He watches her in His presence. Dance on Ellie!!!

What you have shared is to numerous to tell how it has impacted not just my life but others. I have lost my Dad to cancer, my grandmother (my friend and confidant) and my sister, Sarah who took her life 5 years ago. Of all these losses, Sarah was my greatest. She was my friend, a part of me that is now missing. After a long time of depression and being diagnosed with MS, she told me, "I will love you till I die." and the next day I got the call. As tragic as it is, I know that God has been merciful and kind and allowed me to stay sheltered in Him. I do not know how to grieve for her, but many times in reading your blog I have thought, that is how I feel. Your insight to what you feel and your honesty has helped me tremendously. Sharing your pain, grief, joys, the lows and highs, the posts of others, and your ability to write has increased my faith and trust in the Lord, my Savior.

Watching the last hours of Ellie's life, seeing them, and reading the post are forever imprinted in my mind. Not in a bad way, but a hopeful way. As I too want to see the Lord one day. Ellie will forever live in our hearts, with and without hair. Your honesty and insight with your son, Ethan and the way he related and still carries Ellie in his life, and the pain and strength of your husband will forever give us hope and strength. One of my favorite pictures is of Ellie lying on her Dad's back, and Ethan when he shaved his head. They are bonded and will one day get to dance together in Heaven.

So on the day of Ellie's death, there is life! She will forever live on in my heart, and I will always remember to dance. Thank you for allowing me the honor of sharing your daughter, your family and your life. May God bless you, John and Ethan with His unending love, peace and grace. May He give you comfort and peace on this day. May in your tears, you also have joy and in your pain, have healing in Christ. And one day you too will dance before the Lord.

With much love and Prayers,
Edith (Mema) Tyler
South Carolina

There is nothing more that I can add to that. But I would like to finish this post off by giving you one more message. This one is from Ellie.

Back in October, 2007, after we came back from NY where we discovered that the cancer was growing again, Ellie was having difficulty sleeping one night. I put some music on her little MP3 player and she lay there listening to it with headphones on. She was lying between John and me. Her dad was fast asleep, and I was desperately wishing to be. But Ellie kept wiggling and poking buttons on the player. And then she put the headphones on me and made me listen to two songs. She said "Mommy, I want you to put these on the blog." One of them was Celine Dion's "A New Day" and I gave that one to you just after she died. I promised Ellie that I would share the songs with you, and I have been saving this one for just the right moment.

It is Amy Grant's "Lead Me On." I found it of great interest that the song makes direct reference to the suffering of the Jews, God's chosen people. It talks about their years in slavery as well as the horrors of the Holocaust. Ellie really didn't understand all of that. But something in this song spoke to her little heart that night - I think that she identified with the suffering and fear of death, and looked to the hope of eventual freedom being offered.

So here it is, as I promised Ellie, her special message to you:

LEAD ME ON
Written by Michael W. Smith

Shoulder to the wheel
For someone else's selfish gain
Here there is no choosing
Working the clay
Wearing their anger like a ball and chain.

Fire in the field
Underneath a blazing sun
But soon the sun was faded
And freedom was a song
I heard them singing when the day was done
Singing to the holy One.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Waiting for the train
Labeled with a golden star
Heavy hearted boarding
Whispers in the dark
"Where are we going--is it very far?"

Bitter cold terrain
Echoes of a slamming door
In chambers made for sleeping, forever
Voices like thunder in a mighty roar
Cry to the Lord.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Man hurts man
Time and time, time again
And we drown in the wake of our power
Somebody tell me why.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Winner #2

2008-12-17T20:47:00.020-07:00

Last night we lit our candle for Ellie and placed it next to the Elephant drawing as well as a tiny photo of Ellie signing "I love you" with her hand. Our family bought us some gorgeous lilies, which completed the grouping.

Here is Ethan doing the honors (with a little help).

And here is Ethan moving the little picture. Apparently we had creative differences...

Then Ethan reached into the box to draw a name. I don't have a photo of this because things were a little crazy. But he mixed up the names and pulled one out. (I have Ethan do it because he can't read yet so all is fair!)

And the winner of Ellie's Elephant is:

Allison from Boone, Iowa

This was her comment:
"I stumbled onto your blog from a little picture of Ellie in someone else's blog that I had found and I have felt connected to your family ever since. I live in Boone, Iowa. You have really touched my family, I have 3 girls and at the time of when I found your blog a little over a year and 8 months ago, my daughter was almost 7 at the time and she was so close to the age Ellie was when she first got sick. My family still continues to pray for you guys. One of my favorite pictures of Ellie is the one when you guys went to the American girl store and she got the matching outfit to her doll, She looked so happy and excited. What an exciting giveaway, enjoy reading all the comments. We love you all and will keep praying for you."

Congratulations, Allison! And thank you for your sweet comment. Please email me with your address and I will send that out to you!

I've decided to hold the final drawing tomorrow morning instead of tonight. I finally have photos for you of the pillow! (Because I just finished it this morning.) I hope that the person who wins will enjoy it. It brought me great joy as I worked on it. I love touching her soft clothing and remembering Ellie in each outfit. Along with the pillow, I will be sending you a copy of the photos of Ellie from Monday's post.

The pillow is about 9 inches square. This is the front:

This is the back (which is a piece of Ellie's white sweatshirt):

Some details:

For those who have not yet entered to win, here's how:

Leave a comment. Please give your name, where you live (City and State, or Country - obviously for security reasons, do not leave your full address and you don't need to put your city if you're not comfortable with that. I just thought it would be fun to hear where people are visiting from.) and a description of how you know or have heard of Ellie.

OR

Send an email to: seskees at hotmail dot com (replace at with "@" and dot with "." and run it all together). I know that some people have had trouble commenting, so I want to make sure that you have an alternate way of reaching me. When I receive your email, I will copy it and put it into the blog comments.

Everyone who has commented since Monday's post is eligible to win the pillow. You do not need to re-enter. But feel free to comment just for fun and remind me that your name's already in the hat! Thanks. :-)

The special treat that I have for you today is that you will be hearing from three of Ellie's special people!

My Mom, Nancy Hamm, has shared some wonderful thoughts and memories of Ellie.

Before you hear from Mom, I wanted to show you a few pictures...

This is a photo of Mom and Gary with their grandchildren (at the time). They have since added two from my brother, one from Gary's daughter Jenn, and one on the way from Gary's son, David. The kids from left to right: Ethan Ellie, Libby, Mady (these are the girls I told you about yesterday.)

This one was taken just before Mom and Gary were married. Baby Elijah in the foreground and from left to right: Libby, Ethan, Mady, Ellie

This is just one of the cutest pictures EVER. Ellie and Mady. Can you feel the love?

This is what Mom writes:
How do you summarize a life — even a short one? Ellie holds a special place in many hearts…because although her life was not long it had the depth of love that reached into the lives of those who knew her. I’ve often wondered whether we immortalize the dead and only remember their good — or whether Ellie was truly the extraordinary child that I remember. I believe she was extraordinary — not perfect, but truly amazing for her young years. What made her that way? There are her genetics, the environment in which she was raised, and also the fact that she accepted Christ as her personal Savior.

Other than the Lord, I believe that what impacted Ellie the most was all of the love that surrounded her from the day she was born. She blossomed from that first day in the warmth, love, and acceptance that encircled her. She had the undivided attention from parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles. She had a special “Grandma Jean” day to spend with her great grandmother. In return I believe that Ellie had a depth of love for all of her relatives and friends that is unusual for a child.

I used to pick Ellie up and drive her to school every morning. When we got to the school she always wanted me to get out of the car and go in with her — all the way to her classroom. It was a lot more work to turn the car off and go in, but I had a hard time saying no to Ellie. It seemed so important to her — or was she just wrapping me around her little finger? I really don’t know why she wanted me to escort her in — but it almost seemed like she wanted to share her school-life with me and me with her school friends and teacher. Ellie didn’t like to say good-bye, if she’d had her way I think all of her extended family would have lived in the same house and school would have had to come to her.

Ellie didn’t grow selfish and spoiled; instead she always wanted to give back. She was 100% with the person she was with and had a way of making that person seem like the most important person in her life. She was fun and enthusiastic, gentle and loving, kind and empathetic. Ellie was very observant — she noticed your clothes or new finger nail polish and she would compliment you on it. She was also very thankful and thoughtful. Ellie loved to snuggle close and hug you. Even after she died I would wake up and night and I could almost feel her snuggled next to me like on one of her over-night visits. It was fun to do things with and for Ellie. Ellie was not a “taker.” She always seemed to give back more — whether in appreciation, smiles & hugs, enthusiasm or thankfulness. I believe we all have a lot that we could learn from Ellie’s life.

We have an Ellie shaped hole in our hearts…but we need to fill it with love and contentment that Ellie is whole and happy and that someday we will see her again in heaven. I believe that is what Ellie wants! Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven my little sweetheart!

Love,
Gramma-Gramma.

Thank you so much, Mom. Ellie loved you with all her heart and always enjoyed spending time with you. You had such a way of making Ellie feel special and completely loved!

I also want to share with you a comment I received yesterday from one of Ellie's friends. I just loved it!

"This is Aubrey Myers here. I am 9 years old and live in Sanford,FL. I love Ellie, she was my BFF. I loved playing at her house with her. It was special to be able to visit her in the hospital when she first got sick. One time before Ellie got sick, we got stuck in my room and the door would not open. We had to wait for a looong time. Ellie stuck her fingers out of the bottom of the door and said " we are hungry, we need food." That was soo funny!!! I miss you Ellie!
LOVE, AUBREY"

Aubrey and Ellie:

Myers and Skees kids! (Myers have since added Ella - remember when I was visiting Vickie in the hospital when she was in labor with Ella, back in Nov. 2006 - when Ellie was diagnosed with the chickenox?) Clockwise from Baby Julia: Ethan, Aubrey, Nicholas, Ellie

I would like to introduce you to John's cousin, Neal. (Neal is Belinda's son.) When we got married, Neal was two years old, and was one of the ring-bearers in our wedding. From the very start, I fell in love with that little boy. He was the most loving little guy I'd ever met! Well, he's not so little anymore. He's about to graduate from high school, and when I look at him, I have to look WAY up. Over the years, Neal has grown in height and knowledge and wisdom. But the one thing that he has never grown out of is his loving heart. Both of my kids have loved Neal from the time they can remember. Just this week, Neal gave us a gift that John and I will always cherish. I would like to share it with you. He wrote the first just after Ellie died, and the second one as the first anniversary of her death approached.

Believe
by Neal Stanley
January 2, 2008

I believe there is nothing more devastating
than the death of a young child.
My sweet Ellie of nine years died of a merciless cancer.
Our once strong family tries to rise out of its own ashes
after the blazing inferno of grief caused by Ellie's departure.
There is no reasoning with death.
He comes when he wants, taking what he sought.
Death doesn't hear the cry of a mother
who knew how perfect her daughter was.
Death doesn't bat an eye at a father who is torn between
working to provide for his family
and spending precious time with his baby girl.
Ellie has left this world and if you didn't know how special she was
you need only look at the wake of devastation she left behind.
The faces in my family all wear the same broken look
of someone who lost something truly precious.
Ethan, Ellie's little brother,
even grasped this horrible event despite his youth.
"Where's my Ellie?" he'd say.
When ever he sees a picture of his sis he just gazes at it for minutes.
I felt much closer to Ethan when I found out that he too can't escape
the sadness of Ellie's memory in his dreams.
We were touched by an angel and then death ripped her away.

Why Was She Born
by Neal Stanley
December 4, 2008

A decade ago a sweet baby girl was born to a family of love
And an angel cried why was she born if only to die

As she grew, so did the family's admiration and love towards her
And an angel cried why was she born if only to die

A boy in that same loving family cherished
the friendship and good times he would share with her
And an angel cried why was she born if only to die

As time carried on so did her pain
and a helpless boy sunk with a heavy heart
And an agnel cried why was she born if only to die

At the age of nine men in white coats gave her news
she would never fully understand
And an angel cried why was she born if only to die

And so finally when the cancer extinguished Ellie's beautiful spark of life
The boy cried why was she born if only to die

And God replied she was born not to die.
But to show the grace and poise
of one touched by the eternal light of heaven.

Warning... high teardrop rating

2008-12-17T09:19:00.020-07:00

I want to tell you up front that this entry is pretty heavy - particularly towards the end. I know that some people check this at work, and others just would like to have a little forewarning. I also wanted to let you know that you may want to preview this before showing your children. There will be a picture of Ellie after she died. It is not gory in any way, but it may effect people in different ways. It could be very appropriate for children, but you as the parents will need to decide how you want to deal with it. I promise you, I don't do this to torture you. (Although I have been accused of taking great pleasure in making people cry!) But you have been there with us through this, and on this anniversary, I would love to walk you through our footsteps.

So... John and I have been having this ongoing discussion of sorts. Today is only December 17, but technically it is the one year mark because Ellie died on a Wednesday. But when you get married on, say March 19 (which we did), you always celebrate your anniversary on March 19, not always on a Saturday. The real question is, what do you do when you each have a different preference? My love of special occasions leads me to say that you just have to celebrate it twice!

So, in honor of my sweet husband, and his weekly Wednesday reminder at 7:43 p.m... we have some special things going on today. When John and Ethan were out the door on their way to school, I slaved over my hot toaster oven and fixed cinnamon rolls. O.K., so I took the package out of the freezer and unwrapped it. (You know I don't bake!) We enjoyed our special treat while we watched the snow fall outside. It was so good of God to give us that today! We were sitting at our Christmasy table. (Do you recognize a couple of adorable little boys there in the background Aaron? Some of you may have read Aaron's comment. His son, Eli, the boy on the left, was diagnosed with stage IV NB and currently there is no evidence of disease. Yay!)

And then I spotted something. Do you see it?

Apparently Ethan thought the tree needed a little decorating. :-) I love that little boy!

This evening, at 7:43 p.m., we will light a special candle. I love the thought that even though her physical life stopped in that moment one year ago, her wonderfully unique Ellie light will burn for all eternity. I also love the symbolism of light as God's reflected glory. Your comments are all proof that my little girl reflected the glory of God in her short journey.

We will hold the drawing for Ellie's elephant after we light her candle this evening.

Not long ago, I realized that I never gave you all the full story of how Ellie died. I was not intending to hold it back from you, but in the moment things were just so raw. A part of me was also unsure if it was even appropriate at that time... I think that perhaps I was just saving it for such a time as this.

On Wednesday, December 19, 2007 God chose not to grant Ellie’s request to die in her sleep. Even while my heart broke, God’s loving wisdom was clearly evident as He gave Ellie – and us – what none of us knew that we needed.

At one point, in the middle of that long day, Ellie began having trouble breathing. John and I had been hovering around Ellie for hours, stroking her and whispering words of love into her ears. This photo was from during that time. She used to always stroke her ear when she was tired.

It was hard to tell if she even knew what we were saying, but one time after John had whispered “I love you,” Ellie didn’t even open her eyes, but whispered right back “I love you too, Daddy.” We had been afraid of panicking her by telling her outright that she could let go, but as Ellie began to show signs of getting really uncomfortable, John and I told her how proud we were of her. We assured her that she had fought hard, but that she didn’t have to keep fighting. We told her that we would be o.k. We let her go.

But Ellie didn’t die. The drugs took hold, and Ellie fell asleep as her breathing evened out. As she slept, we noticed that one of her hands was opening and closing against her stomach. John slipped his fingers into her hand, and she gripped it tight.

After a couple of hours, Ellie awoke with a start. Her eyes were wild and she was hallucinating. We gave her a remedy, and Ellie’s eyes cleared. Then began the most unnerving, profound, and powerful phenomenon – Ellie let go. But she did it in typical Ellie style – with fight and with spirit. She would have bouts of screaming – not in pain, but almost in anger. She would give a mighty shriek and yell “I’m not going to do this for the rest of my life!!” or “this is torture, and I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT ANYMORE!” Her strength finally gave out, and Ellie lay on her side, facing her daddy. His was the first face that Ellie saw when she entered the world, and it was the last one that she saw as she left. I was exactly where I wanted to be – next to her ear. The last thing that Ellie heard was my voice telling her to run to Jesus. And she did. Ellie gave up her own heartbeat in exchange for the heartbeat of God.

You know, all along, I knew that even though we prayed that Ellie would live, it might not be what would happen. I understood the concept that we don't always get what we ask for. But when it came to Ellie's desire to die in her sleep, I could think of no reason why God shouldn't give her that. Once again, God whispered ever so gently to my broken heart that He truly does know what is best for us, and most importantly, for Ellie. The words He used, and the voice were in the form of Loretta. Something that she said during the Montana memorial service has reverberated through my being ever since. "Cancer did not steal Ellie’s life away from her while she slept." Wow. We had the privilege of watching our daughter release her own life.

John took this picture while she was resting:

This one was taken after she died. I'm sure you remember my entry on December 20, 2007 about John weeping over Ellie's feet.

Also found in the December 20 post is the description of Ethan's grief over Ellie's body.

We chose to have Ellie cremated. Before we took her body to the funeral home that night, I dressed her in this beautiful Chinese robe that my sweet step sister Jenn brought to us when they adopted their daughter Emma. We sent "Procedure Bunny" along for one final procedure...

That night, I called Jenn to tell her that Ellie had died and that we were having her cremated in the China robe. We talked and cried for a little while. Jenn was just leaving work and it was quite late at night in Florida. She went home that night and saw that her three little girls were sound asleep. When she tiptoed in to kiss them goodnight, Jenn found her older two, Mady and Libby, snuggled in their Chinese robes! Jenn asked her husband Jim why on earth they were sleeping in those robes because, in her words "they had to find them waded up in a corner somewhere since they hadn't even touched them in quite sometime." Jim said that after he gave them their bath, the girls found and put on those robes and would not take them off, even to sleep. He had no idea why. Jenn said that the next morning, the robes were tossed back into the nether reaches of the closet or wherever they had found them. That story just blew me away. God is so good to bind us to our loved ones with an invisible thread that has the ability to erase thousands of miles as if it was nothing. This story touched me to my very toes and will stay with me forever.

I don't want to leave you with that last picture of Ellie. It is how she looked when she left this earth. But we picked the photo on the header of this blog because it reminds us of Heaven. That is how we see Ellie in our mind's eye. Vibrant, glowing with joy, and more alive than she ever was in her nine short years in our arms.

This is how we see her now... on top of the world!

My life will forever be blessed by the time I had to hold her and love her.

Please scroll down to the previous post for details of our on-going blog giveaway. For those of you who have already left comments, feel free to comment on this post again... just remind me that you already entered the giveaway. Thanks. :-)

Also... please keep checking back. There will be at least one new post everyday through Friday. I have something very special planned for tomorrow!

Winner #1

2008-12-16T16:19:00.019-07:00

I just have to tell you all, this giveaway started for me as a fun way to involve everyone in the one year anniversary of Ellie's death. (O.K, I just re-read that sentence and had to laugh because I'm not really sure that a person is supposed to pick a "fun" way to commemorate someone's death. I do know how wrong that sounds. Still, I have to stand by that statement.) I simply wanted to do something "Ellie" - not only for her and about her, but something she would have truly been excited about. Giving stuff away is probably the best way that there is to remember that funny little girl. But in true Ellie spirit, it's killing me that I can't give something to everyone!

Do you know what has happened? What was supposed to be something that I wanted to do for you, turned into the very thing that I didn't know I needed. As this sad and difficult day is approaching, what I needed was to hear from you. So thank you. Thank you for being there for me during this time. For telling me what you love and miss about my sweet Ellie. For sharing who you are and where you're from. (I sometimes look at the stats of the hundreds of people who check in daily and wonder who you are. What your story is. I can even tell where people are logging in from. There are a few that I can guess at, but often I have to ask "who is that?") And of course I love hearing how this journey of ours has touched your lives. This gift that you have given me, and are giving me, is one that I will never forget. It is the perfect balm to this sad mommy's heart. THANK YOU.

We will now pick a name from the box to be our guest blogger on Friday, December 19. Before we pick, I want to let you know what I've decided to do. I have a little something to give this person. I have a copy of the pictures from yesterday's post to send to them as well as a small, unframed drawing of Ellie's. Should you decide for any reason that you are not comfortable with being the guest blogger, I will still send you your little gift. But instead of re-drawing a name to be the guest blogger, I will have you choose one from yesterday's commenters. If you read the comments and felt like you would like to hear more from a certain person, you may choose that person to be the guest blogger. Of course, I do hope that you will want to write something yourself, but I also understand that not everyone will enjoy doing that.

Ethan is holding the box of names. He is now stirring it all around. He is about to choose one. Picking...

Drum roll please... and the winner is...

Edith "Mema" Tyler, from South Carolina

Congratulations, Mema. Please email me with your address and let me know if you accept this mission! (see below for my email) I so loved your comment - it really touched my heart. I would have posted it here, but I didn't want to steal your thunder for Friday. Should you decide not to be the guest blogger on Friday, I will definitely post it for all to read!

For those of you who are just now joining us, there are two more drawings. On Wednesday evening, we will be drawing a name out of the box to win this 5x7" framed and signed piece of Ellie's art. (It is a high quality color copy of the original.)

On Thursday evening, we will be drawing a name out of the box to win a small quilted pillow made out of Ellie's clothing. (See previous post for photos of Ellie in those clothes.)

Please keep checking back. There will even be other special things happening on this blog tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday!

How to enter:

Leave a comment. Please give your name, where you live (City and State, or Country - obviously for security reasons, do not leave your full address and you don't need to put your city if you're not comfortable with that. I just thought it would be fun to hear where people are visiting from.) and a brief description of how you know or have heard of Ellie.

OR

Send an email to: seskees at hotmail dot com (replace "at" with "@" and "dot" with "." and run it all together). I know that some people have had trouble commenting, so I want to make sure that you have an alternate way of reaching me. When I receive your email, I will copy it and put it into the blog comments.

***IMPORTANT REMINDERS***

Please do not leave anymore comments on the previous post. Please leave your comments on this and/or future posts. It will keep me from getting confused.

All of the previous commenters' names have been left in the box for the next drawings, so you do not need to comment more than once to be in the running for a prize. But if you really want to leave another comment to say something, just remind me that your name is already in. :-)

And finally, remember everyone is eligible: family, friends, foes, countrymen, as well as out-of-the-countrymen and other-countrymen.

Giveaway

2008-12-15T00:49:00.007-07:00

Ellie's blog giveaway has officially begun!

How to enter:

Leave a comment. Please give your name, where you live (City and State, or Country - obviously for security reasons, do not leave your full address and you don't need to put your city if you're not comfortable with that. I just thought it would be fun to hear where people are visiting from.) and a brief description of how you know or have heard of Ellie.

OR

Send an email to: seskees at hotmail dot com (replace at with "@" and dot with "." and run it all together). I know that some people have had trouble commenting, so I want to make sure that you have an alternate way of reaching me. When I receive your email, I will copy it and put it into the blog comments.

How it works:

This will be a three-part giveaway.

1. On Tuesday afternoon, we will draw from all of the names we have gathered so far, and the winner will be asked to be the guest blogger on December 19. The winner will have until Thursday to send me, via email, something that they would like to say on this blog. If the winner does not wish to participate, we will continue to draw names until we find someone who does want to. (Which is why we are holding this drawing so early in the week.) This is your opportunity to share how Ellie and her journey have touched your life in some way, or memories that you have of Ellie, or whatever you feel pertains to Ellie. It can be as long or as short as you would like. I will post the winner on Tuesday night in order to give plenty of time to correspond with the person.

2. On Wednesday night, we will draw from all of the names we have gathered so far (including all names in the hat from Tuesday's drawing, but not including Tuesday's winner) and the winner will receive a 4x6" framed piece of Ellie's art (it will actually be a high quality color copy, as we prefer to keep all of Ellie's original art for obvious reasons). I will post a photo of the art on Wednesday morning, and the winner will be announced late that night.

3. On Thursday night, we will draw from all of the names we have gathered from all of the previous days (not including the winners from Tuesday and Wednesday) and the winner will receive a hand sewn pillow made from Ellie's clothing. I will post a photo of the pillow on Thursday morning, and the winner will be posted on Friday morning, along with the guest blogger's entry.

So... here's a little teaser...
I looked back over many of the photos that I have posted on the blog and picked clothing for the pillow that I thought you would recognize. There will be a square on the pillow from the following outfits:

November, 2006 - in the hospital
Tinker Bell P.J.'s

January, 2007 - the day Ellie let go of the rest of her hair and Ethan shaved his to support her
Butterfly shirt

February, 2007 - photo shoot by Cece Glover
Teal blouse

April, 2007 - after being released from the ICU
Ellie's most comfy blue sweater that she wore ALL the time

Early June, 2007 - goofing off in a little tea shop after our trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art
Adorable blue and green silky print top

Mid-June, 2007 - On vacation to Montana
Aqua sweatshirt

June, 2007 - Vacation in Montana
White sweatshirt

September, 2007 - Playing with Eliana in the driveway after moving to Montana (Ellie was at her all time healthiest during this time)
- Heart top and jean skirt

November, 2007 - Ellie's last Thanksgiving.
Peach top (this shirt was given to Ellie by her friend Lia, at the Ronald McDonald House in NY. The last time I talked with Lia's mom, she said that the doctors had done all that they could for Lia and the cancer was still there. I haven't heard any more, but am not sure if she is still alive...)

December, 2007 - resting with Daddy in front of the fire
Satin butterfly P.J.'s

Thank you in advance for participating in this! I've been so looking forward to it, and hope that you all enjoy this. I guess there's nothing more to say, other than - let the commenting begin! :-) Everyone is welcome - friends, family, strangers, people overseas... Come one, come all!

Shades of things to come...

2008-12-10T14:29:00.003-07:00

John and I have been talking today about something special we want to do with you all for December 19. We've decided to do a "give away." I've seen this on other blogs, and very recently one of my new blog friends named Tonya did one on her son's birthday. Her son, Brent, died of NB nearly a year before Ellie, at the age of 11. I was so touched by how she included her blog family in Brent's special day. I thought that it was a wonderful way for everyone to remember Brent!

This is just a teaser. I wanted to give you fair warning that something fun is coming! On Monday, December 15, I will be sharing more details. There will be photos and instructions, and all will be revealed. What about a hint, you ask? Ummmm... it's Ellie-related and VERY special! And I really wish that I could give something away to everyone, but alas, there can only be one fortunate winner. Oh, and everyone - in every country - will be eligible. How's that? :-)

So be sure to come back on Monday!

Heaven's where the heart is...

2008-12-08T20:26:00.009-07:00

Ethan had a wonderful birthday! We let him open a couple of presents first thing because his party wasn't going to be until after supper. He got a remote controlled truck (just like Papa's actual truck) from Mom and Gary (Papa). He also got a tee shirt, and a matching one for Daddy. Those two gifts made his day!

The new guy had to be introduced to Lightning McQueen. As you can see, Lightning was not exactly impressed.

In the evening, we went over to Mike and Reni's house and my friend Jen came over with her two kids, Bailey and Codey, as well as Bailey's friend Abby. Ethan opened more gifts and we had cake. Then the kids ran around the house playing with the truck. They took turns driving the thing and whoever wasn't driving was chasing the truck and jumping over it. I don't think I've ever seen kids have so much fun all together with one toy! Even though all three kids were much older than Ethan, they played with him so nicely. I think that part of the evening was more fun for Ethan than the presents.

In the background, from left to right: Abby, Bailey, Codey, Mike. Ethan's "new sister" Josie (La's golden retriever) is on the far left. :-)

Although, speaking of presents... over a month ago, Ethan was watching me sew a pillow out of Ellie's clothes and he asked me if he could have one for his birthday. I made one for him, and today I heard him tell someone that the pillow was his favorite gift! That truly spoke volumes to me about where his heart is at these days.

Ethan's pillow:

A closer view...

Inside the pocket I put the one fabric that Ethan specifically requested. It was from a blouse that Ellie looked so cute in. (It was the same blouse that I saw in the store on a rack when we were back in FL for her memorial service.)

The back is from a pair of Ellie's sweat pants. The satin stripe was down the side of the leg.

After the party was over, just before bedtime, Ethan was very quiet. (If you have ever met Ethan, you know that's unusual.) When we questioned him, Ethan said "I just miss Ellie" and walked out of the room. I was so glad that we had a small family party instead of a big "kid" party with just kids his own age. Bailey and Codey have such an ability to fill in those empty places that Ellie left.

So, Ethan's birthday was special. But those special days tend to highlight the ache... How much we miss stands out in such sharp contrast against the happiness. Also, as we experience some "highs", an equal and opposite "low" tends to follow. I have felt this principle at work in my own life, and now I am observing it in Ethan. Because of this, and because Ethan seemed like he might be coming down with something, we let him sleep in and stay home from school today. The sickness didn't develop, so he will go tomorrow. I'm not sorry we kept him. I think we all needed to just hang out around the house today.

I leave you with a photo of my two great loves:

Ethan's big day!

2008-12-06T00:13:00.004-07:00

My baby boy turns six today! And since he can't read yet, I figure I can still get away with calling him my baby boy. I guess this will be the last birthday I can do that. :-) He was so excited that he could hardly fall asleep last night. I assured him that when he woke up, he would be six. I think that my assurances were counterproductive. The only thing that really worked in the end was a "don't you dare get out of this bed again" from Daddy.

John's work is requiring more forced time off to keep from laying additional people off, so he's able to stay home on Ethan's birthday. That was a nice surprise! There will be a Christmas parade in the evening, and when we get home from that, we will have a little party for Ethan.

Because Ethan's birthday fell on a Saturday, he was able to celebrate it at school yesterday. His teacher does a wonderful job of making the kids feel special on their birthdays, and she has some really fun ways to incorporate learning into the festivities.

Since it was Ethan's special day, we got to bring a fun, non-healthy snack. I don't have a real oven, and I didn't relish the thought of making teeny batches of cupcakes in the toaster oven, so I came up with an alternate plan. (Who am I kidding? I could have gone down to the other house to bake, but I find baking labor intensive and messy. The alternate plan was actually plan A.) I had seen this really cute idea on TV, I think, of making little bitty birds nests out of chocolate. All you do is mix melted chocolate (I used almond bark - thanks Tricia! It was much easier than the melted chocolate chips I had been planning on using) with chow mein noodles. Plop out spoon fulls onto cookie sheets and place a couple of jelly bean "eggs" in the center. Viola - birds nests! So easy and so cute. When Ethan went to pass out snacks in class, this is what each kid got:

You should have heard the kids oooooh and ahhhhh. Ethan was tickled pink!

While the kids ate their snack, Mrs. Stevens placed a little candle on a chair and had Ethan stand next to the chair, holding a globe. She then held up a picture of Ethan as a baby. Did you know that even a bunch of five and six year olds will go "awwwwww" when they see baby pictures? She had Ethan walk all the way around the chair with the globe, signifying the earth rotating once around the sun (candle). Ethan's first year. Then she showed a picture of Ethan at one, and told the class that Ethan learned to walk and talk when he was one. Another trip around the candle, and the class learned that Ethan loved to jump off of furniture when he was two. Another rotation of the earth divulged that not only was Ethan as cute as a button at three, but he loved to dance and play with his sister. By the "earth's" fourth trip around the "sun", the class found out that Ethan spent lots of time that year with his grandparents. The final picture was shown and we told the kids that Ethan moved to Montana and loved to hike and rock climb with his daddy. Then the class sang a series of three or four birthday songs (the traditional "Happy Birthday" plus some educational birthday-related songs). And the birthday boy got to blow out the "sun".

Once snack time was finished, the kids gathered into a bunch on the floor and Ethan and I told them all about Ellie. When Ethan found out that he was supposed to bring pictures for his birthday, he really wanted to bring one of he and Ellie together. Because Ellie was bald, I knew that it would bring up some questions, plus I knew that Ethan was liable to blurt out "that's my sister and she's dead." Weeks ago, Mrs. Stevens and I had talked about me coming to the class and telling them about Ellie, but we hadn't set anything up. This was the perfect opportunity to share the story. Ethan was so proud to be able to tell his friends all about his sister. I started it out by showing them the picture, and asking if they noticed something "different" about Ethan's sister. One little boy said "yeah, she's bald just like Ethan." I thought that was so sweet - Ethan's baldness was normal to this class, and his sister was just like him, not the other way around. I was able to tell the class how Ethan wanted to shave his head so that Ellie would not feel badly about losing her hair. Then we talked about cancer and why she lost her hair. Together, Mrs. Stevens and I answered questions about cancer and death, and Ethan interjected his own comments from time to time. The kids were great. They had all kinds of wonderful questions, from how she died to how we found out she was sick. At one point there was quite a lively rabbit trail about pirates and eye patches once they learned that Ellie was blind in one eye. (Of course they needed to find out if that eye still looked and moved like the one that could see.) A couple of the kids got distracted with the location of one's heart, after Mrs. Stevens talked about how we carry love and memories in our hearts after a person has died. The whole experience was delightful in every way. We sent home a handout from Ellie's memorial service and a letter for their parents explaining what we talked about. (I could just imagine the parent's reactions when their children came home saying "Ethan's sister died!")

Loretta came with me to the school and was able to sit in class and watch the fun. We had such a great time getting to observe Ethan in his classroom and get a glimpse of how his days are spent at school. We came away with two very strong feelings: Mrs. Stevens is a saint; and teachers, particularly kindergarten teachers, are WAY underpaid. May I just say, "God bless them, every one!"

I will have many more birthday stories to share after tomorrow. Thank you so much for taking Ethan into your hearts! The surest way to a mother's heart is when you love her little ones.

The longest and the shortest year ever.

2008-12-02T20:29:00.014-07:00

Sooooooo. (Insert deep breath here.) We are almost at the one year mark since Ellie died, and I've been thinking. Those of you who have been following this blog for a while know what's coming next... a LONG post. It's sad that I have only written a couple of sentences and I can already tell that it's a doosey. I may even take a few days to get this one out of me. We shall see.

I think that number of preconceptions on my part have led me to assume that the one year anniversary is a magical deadline that marks the official end to grieving. Even as I type the words, I can hear the outcry through my computer of hundreds of voices yelling at me, in unison, "it is NOT!!" I do know in my heart that it's just not true. Still, for some reason, it feels like it's supposed to be that way. While in this day and age we don't adhere to the tradition of wearing black for a year, or any of the other "one year" mantras, we all know of them. We've all heard the stories and remember Scarlett O'Hara's dancing feet behind the skirted tablecloth as her rebellious heart pulled against the confines of a society that made her mourn in stoic blackness. I've also read websites of other grieving parents who have had tactless loved ones infer that they should be "over it" by now. I can go no further in my ponderings before stating, for the record, that not one of you has ever made us feel badly about our grief over Ellie. No one has even implied that we should feel anything other than deep sorrow for as long is it takes. And not one person has made me feel guilty for learning to sing and dance and laugh again before the calendar reaches December 19. You all have been the most amazing listeners ever. Which is why I feel so comfortable attempting to put words to the un-quantifiable.

Here goes. December 19th is nearly upon us, and I am looking forward to it with equal parts of anticipation and dread. The anticipation comes from feeling unlimited freedom to revel in all things "Ellie." I know it shouldn't be this way, but I feel like there needs to be a reason - a special day or anniversary - to give me the permission to just jump in with both feet and immerse myself in photos and videos and memories and sadness, as well as joy. I guess I just have this inner limiter on how much I "stick" on Ellie, and perhaps how much I think others can tolerate. I have this fear that I will wake up one day thirty years from now and realize that I have allowed the tragedy of my daughter's death to color every other event in my life. That I will eat, sleep, and breathe Ellie. That this one event will be the groove on the record of my life, into which the needle has worn. And so I'm wary. Which is why days like her birthday and death-day are sort of free days to me. Those are the days when I get to go Ellie-crazy. They are her days.

The dread part comes in when I realize that, oh my goodness, they are HER days! The full reality rushes in on me that I will never again, on this Earth, get to hold my little girl's hand or touch her face. That she should be the size and shape of all the other little ten year old girls that I see at church, but really she is forever frozen at nine. That crushing reality is something that I dread with every fiber of my being.

There you go. Equal parts of anticipation and dread. It makes me feel edgy and uncomfortable. I'd kind of like to know which way I feel - happy or sad. You know... pick a lane! It's just not that simple. Grief is messy and unpredictable.

And then there's John. He has found his lane. He is SAD. I have to admit, I kind of envy him that. I suppose it sounds a little strange, but when I look into John's eyes and see the pain that's always there, I wish that I could join him. I spend so much time doling my emotions out in little controlled bits, all the while fearing the great and terrible unleashing of that irreversible tide. I think if John had a motto, it would be "unleash it baby!" That amazing man grieves with all of the ferocious intensity of his loving nature, and I'm telling you, it's a tsunami.

This brings me to my next topic. Marriage and grief. Oh yeah, I'm going there. I have been working this out in my heart for weeks - what to share and how to share it. What has come to the forefront of my mind of late, is that you have been involved in our lives from the beginning of Ellie's battle with NB. And over the past year, you have been a witness to our grief. Part of that grief process is how it impacts our marriage. As you know, I tend to shy away from talking much about John on this blog. I do realize that it can be kind of one dimensional, and I don't do it because I just like talking about myself. I am very acutely aware of the privacy of another individual's feelings. I figure that the only person that I can speak for with any kind of authority and accuracy is myself. And so I tell my story. I just never know what to do with it when my story blends into John's, and since we're married our stories are seriously intertwined.

Before I go any further, I need to give you the framework from which I will describe our marriage. There is one and only one concept that you need to take in and believe before I go on: THERE IS NO VILLAIN IN OUR MARRIAGE. We are two uniquely flawed individuals who fell in love nearly 16 years ago. We have all kinds of weaknesses and habits which have impacted our marriage to varying degrees. But above it all, lies the realization that we are on the same team. For instance, in nearly 15 years worth of morning coffee, John has carefully rinsed the stirring spoon off and neatly laid it on the drainer - every time. And I have flung it into sink with all of the other dirty dishes that I will eventually deal with. Some days he has to ask for the millionth time, where the spoon went. Other days I shake my head when I have to remove the spoon from the dish drainer to wash it (because that's where clean dishes go, not rinsed off dirty ones). But do you know what really matters to us? The fact that we both love our morning coffee. Seriously, LOVE it. And just for fun, this week I've been rinsing the spoon and placing it neatly on the drainer. Because it makes him smile. (I'll probably return to flinging it in the sink next week because I really don't like adding two more steps to my coffee routine. I'm actually allergic to the word "routine" and the fact that I have anything resembling one, irks me.) What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Nothing. I just thought we needed something to cut the heaviness... and I just wanted to make the point that "different" doesn't necessarily mean "wrong." In fact, one of my favorite quotes says "If both of you were the same, then one of you would be unnecessary."

Once upon a time, a quiet, sensible (at least in her own mind), stubborn, laid back girl met an intense, loving, slightly O.C.D., thrill-seeking boy. Oh yeah - instant fireworks... in a good way. Surprisingly, given our vast differences, our marriage was pretty easy. Our most difficult thing is, and always has been, communication. I avoid confrontation like the plague and would rather have my teeth pulled than try to come up with how I'm feeling on demand. He believes in meeting the issue head-on and talking for as long as it takes to resolve the problem. On top of that, he has some sort of extrasensory perception because he can always tell that something's bothering me, often before I know it. (I mean, he can tell if someone else is in the room with me when he calls me on the phone. Who does that?) This generally leads to my having to come up with feelings on demand (shudder). It's not pretty. But other than the communication thing, our differences have complimented each other nicely. I have always been timid and fearful, while he is strong and capable. And my easy going stability has soothed his intense nature. I am reserved and he is demonstrative. You know the feeling you get when you feel like someone's watching you? Sometimes I would turn my head to the right only to find his eyes one inch from my face. Then he would smile and kiss my cheek. And this was in church.

Our marriage pretty much hummed along for years. It wasn't perfect, but it felt wonderful to us. When Ellie was diagnosed with NB, there were stressors that we had to deal with, but for the most part we pulled together even more and worked as a team. And then Ellie died. We began hearing how stressful the death of a child can be on a marriage, but we didn't feel as if ours was in danger. We had a solid foundation, and good history. Early on we felt united in our grief over losing Ellie. But over time, we started growing apart. Just this past week, things kind of came to a head and we have done some "re-connecting" for lack of a better word. It has prompted me to look back over this year a bit to sift through and try to see if I can make sense of things. What I've found is that our difficulties have come from a combination of just doing what comes naturally, (which has been exacerbated by an extremely emotional situation) and the fact that who we are as individuals has been changed because of the loss of Ellie.

It's funny how hindsight is 20/20. When I look back, it's easy to see things that I didn't pay attention to when they were happening. I think that the first thing that both John and I did was to simply have no expectations of each other. When we looked at one other, we had compassion on the fact that we had just lost our daughter, and silently gave each other permission to grieve in our own way. Doesn't that sound good? In theory, it is. I suppose it's the way that we should view each other. But in practice, we just drifted apart in our grief.

True to my reserved and non-communicative nature, I simply turned into my own head. I sorted out my thoughts and feelings quietly. There have been so many times when John has had to read the blog to figure out what is going on with me. (When I read it right there in black and white, it makes me want to cry.) John's nature, being opposite to mine in every way, led him to spend hours upon hours crying in his office over photos and music. And he had no problem articulating the pain he was drowning in. I desired to make life "normal" again. I strove to regain balance and harmony because I didn't want to feel the pain. John, on the other hand, felt as if his guts had been torn out and life would never ever be normal, let alone livable again. He would alternate between living in the depths of despair, and attempting to numb the pain.

Honestly, the way that we have handled our grief is no great surprise to me. It is exactly how I would have expected us to do it. But what has thrown us for a loop is how we have each changed over the course of Ellie's sickness and death. I don't think that a person can go through such things without coming through changed. I have faced great loss before, and lived through it. It is probably the one thing that has helped me regain my equilibrium since Ellie's death. I already knew that it was survivable. God has taken me deeper and deeper into His love through this whole experience, and I have come out on this side feeling stronger. It is a strength that comes only from knowing how weak I really am, and that it is God alone who does the work in and through me. There is this feeling of being indestructible, emotionally speaking. But what has happened in my marriage is that John has felt un-needed by me. I used to be so needy and fearful, and that side of me fit perfectly with John's strength. But now I am simply not afraid anymore. And honestly, I just don't miss the old me. I didn't like being that girl. I didn't like being afraid all the time. But with this new lack of fear, I am also less afraid of confrontation. I can take a little buffeting and push back. And this is a very new dynamic in our marriage. This is not to imply that John is aggressive. He is not. It's just that I am better able to speak up and communicate through issues now in a different way than ever before.

John has changed as well, but when I look at him, I realize that many of his changes are still in process. Bluntly put, he has been crushed. This is the type of crushing that simply does not heal overnight. It certainly doesn't heal in the magical one year time slot. It is messy and excruciating. And, I get it. I don't mean to mix metaphors here, but Melanie told me that it's a lot like what happens when someone is badly burned. They have to continually scrub off the layer of skin on top that's trying to heal over, because in order to heal properly, the burns need to heal from the inside out. I really think that this is what John is going through right now. Unfortunately, this constant pain and agony has made John feel very disconnected from our family. He feels so alone in the pain. His emotional skin is so fragile and easily hurt. God is ever so tenderly and gently loving him right now. I think that it can be easy for us as humans to decide what another person "should" be feeling or thinking, and how they "should" be finding comfort and strength in God. But we are all different. John's journey with God is different than mine. Not worse or better. Just different. God is always faithful, and because of this I know that he is carefully healing John's pain from the inside out. Very slowly and patiently. I desire to simply get out of the way and let it happen. And love them both.

I've given you just a glimpse of our lives over this past year. It is so much more complicated than this. But I hope that you have a small idea of what things have been like. Over the past couple of weeks, John and I have come closer together. We've been communicating better and turning towards each other instead of away. We are adjusting to a brand new relationship and the hope that things will not just go back to normal in our marriage, but actually be better.

When I began this entry yesterday, I really didn't know if I would ever post it. It felt good to write it all out and pin some of my thoughts down. When I finished today, John read it and we talked about it. We decided that it is good for you to hear how we have struggled. Maybe there are others who have experienced similar loss and are struggling in a similar way, and will know that they aren't alone. We don't really know. But we hope that God will use our lives, our pain, and even our struggle to help someone else. Or maybe it will help you to pray for us with some direction. I don't know. But we feel like we should put it out there... Thank you so much for loving us and praying us through this. Please don't stop. In many ways, as this first year is coming to a close, we are struggling and hurting even more than we did 10 or 11 months ago.

This has been one long year, and I can't believe it's over. So long, and yet so... not.

A Memorable Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T08:46:00.002-07:00

Thank you for all of the kind comments regarding my last post. We ended up having a very nice Thanksgiving. I think that the buildup to it was worse than the actual day. We had a very low key kind of day. We talked to family on the phone and later went down to the other house to eat dinner with all of the family who are in the area. All in all it was a lovely day.

And, as promised, we did make new memories. Here is the proof!

Last week we went out to a hunting camp where John's uncles, Dick and Richard, had been hunting. John and Ethan climbed up into Rich's tree stand.

John and Ethan also burned a small pile of yard debris together. It was such a nice week to be together. John had an extra day off of work and Ethan had two days off of school.

One of the things I'm the most thankful for this year!

Ethan took a Thanksgiving craft up to Ellie's stone on Thanksgiving Day. (Do you recognize this, Oma? He really enjoyed making those turkeys. Thank you so much.)

When we visited Ellie's stone on the way to Mike and Reni's for Thanksgiving dinner, Ethan wanted to bring two stuffed animals. The gray and white one is his, and the brown and white dog was Ellie's. I thought it was so sweet how he made sure to include Ellie in every way he knew how. It was my idea to leave something on Ellie's stone, but Ethan took it from there. He choreographed a whole photo shoot. All three of us had to have our pictures taken at the stone, individually and in pairs, and finally all three of us. This is only a portion of the pictures that Ethan made us take! :-)

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T12:57:00.006-07:00

The older I get, the more this holiday means to me. I've been pondering it of late...

The truth is, I am thankful. There are a good many things that I feel thankful for: a husband who loves me, a lively and adorable little son, nine happy years with Ellie, and more family and friends than one woman could ever deserve. There are also things that I don't feel thankful for in my heart, but I choose to give thanks for anyway. The "give" part is, after all, a verb. And so I give thanks to God for my heartaches in life. The losses of my dad and my daughter. The uncertainty of the future, both physically and financially. While this thankfulness does not come from a lighthearted, happy place, it does bring with it a deep and abiding peace. A peace that says that I have a God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. A God who is good. A God who has promised that someday He will wipe every tear from our eyes.

The other truth is, I am sad. The closer the "holiday season" comes, and the colder the weather gets, the more I am bombarded by memories of Ellie. The memories are coming faster and clearer than ever before. Emotionally speaking, I like to put things in a box up on a high shelf. The kind of shelf that you have to climb onto a ladder to reach. When I am good and ready to, I will climb that ladder, take down the box and carefully look through the memories that it contains. Honestly, I have a number of such boxes. Some are covered in cobwebs from lying undisturbed for too many years. But there is this stubborn little box that keeps falling off the top shelf and hitting me in the head. Precious memories are scattered around the floor, demanding attention as I frantically try to stuff them back into the box.

Today I've decided not to put those memories back in the box. Today I will savor them and cry over them. Tomorrow I will make new ones, but today I look back and choose to feel the sadness and the joy. And I will choose to give thanks through the tears.

The song "Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan fits John's and my mood today as we reminisce. (Click on Pop-out player)

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Thanksgiving, 2007

Other highlights from around this time last year:

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior" Luke 1:46-47

Ellie's last Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T12:57:00.001-07:00

House photos

2008-11-24T09:15:00.006-07:00

Thank you for your patience. I now have photos for you! :-)

Our new living room:

John's desk is behind that divider on the right side of the picture.

John's little area:

My new vanity area, because a girl's gotta have a place to make the magic happen... (you remember, our only sink is in the kitchen and it only has a small round pull out mirror behind the curtain)

I decided to put all of my unfinished (and some un-started) pictures on the wall because it was a huge wall, and storage space is lacking. I figure that this might give me some incentive to keep working on projects.

The TV will be across from the sofa, next to the front door, but the entertainment center is not put together yet - so no picture.

Ethan's bedroom:

His bed is sitting where my desk used to be, and the dresser is where our TV used to be.

This is where my collage used to hang. The blank canvas will have a large picture of Ethan and Ellie on it. I've already ordered the photo, but it hasn't arrived yet.

This is Ethan's little art/homework station. He loves it. My dad made that rocking chair when I was born, and I rocked Ellie in it when we brought her home from the hospital. I am so happy to have it in Ethan's room.

We decided to keep the dining table in Ethan's room because he can spare the room.

This was the best overall picture of the room I could get. Ethan has his little chairs and tables in the middle of the room, but when not in use, they sit under the window.

Beautiful changes

2008-11-19T08:25:00.004-07:00

We are deep in the throes of rearranging the house! It is quite the project. But already we are THRILLED with how it's turning out. When Ethan got home from school on Monday, we excitedly told him that he was going to get a huge new bedroom. He was devastated. I guess I should have known better, but I didn't. The idea of change was too much for him to handle. He wanted to cling to his tiny little closet of a bedroom. Poor little guy. I don't know why I blanked out, but I knew that both of my kids always did better when I would just totally surprise them with the finished room instead of telling them that change was coming. They both loved a brand new space to explore, but they couldn't handle the idea of it ahead of time. Unfortunately, this is not a one day sort of project. We managed to put Ethan's bed up as quickly as possible on Monday, and then Ethan spent all of yesterday with Loretta and Reni while we completely set up his new room. He came in last night to find that he now has a palace for a bedroom. It is the largest bedroom he's ever had - including one he shared with Ellie another lifetime ago. He LOVED it! I kept all of the pictures on the wall that we had in that room as our living room, except the collage. I'm going to replace that one with another big canvas with a large picture of Ethan and Ellie together.

John and I now have our bed in Ethan's old room. It's a king sized bed, and it fits exactly wall to wall, with only enough room to stand at the foot of the bed. Having a video of me changing the sheets could land me on America's Funniest Home Videos. (And should anyone surprise me with this, they would have to die. Consider yourself warned. Yes, Reni, I'm talking to you.) To make matters worse, I bought these king sized fuzzy blankets to use as sheets in the winter months, but they aren't fitted. Last night, John was standing at the foot of the bed watching me wrangle the stupid blanket around the mattress while standing on the mattress. And he laughed! He's lucky that he has lived to tell about it. I was NOT amused!

Our new living room is already turning out gorgeous. It's just perfect for us. We are still working on it, as Ethan's room kind of took up our focus yesterday. Although Reni and Loretta did come over to help us move the couch. Oh yes, we had to do the whole deal. Move the fridge, clear off the counter, and wiggle the monstrous beast into the kitchen and then back into the original room that we moved it out of some months ago. John managed the whole thing like an engineer. (Remember, last time we did it without him by sheer force - doorjambs be hanged.) The first thing he said was "La and Reni, take that side. I'll take Sarah on mine." I'm telling you, in that moment, I had flashbacks to being picked last in PE. The fact that both of John's aunts are stronger than me is not a surprise. But that it's common knowledge... ouch. :-) It's o.k. I did my job of keeping John from gouging his back on the edge of the counter top quite nicely. (Of course this was before he laughed at me last night.) We now have a gigantic sofa in the middle of our new living room. And if I ever decide to move the house around again, I will be attacked by an angry mob.

John and I are having a blast! We have seen very little of each other over the past month, so we are just having a great time working together. Despite what I just told you earlier, we actually do work well with each other. We have very similar ideas in general, and our different perspectives - his more practical concerns, and my more aesthetic ones - generally merge quite nicely. We are creating a beautiful, comfortable, and functional space together. And truly, the experience is as wonderful as the outcome.

I promise to give you pictures as soon as possible!

Quick Update

2008-11-16T09:55:00.003-07:00

Hello again. I just wanted to let you know that John still has a job! We are so thankful.

I survived my final two Bible Studies. I was not as emotional as the first time, but still cried quite a bit. By the end, my nose was beet red and raw and I was exhausted for a whole day and a half. But I would have to say that it was worth it. I think perhaps it was good for me to have some good hard cries. But more importantly, it sounds like some people were encouraged by hearing of the things God has taught me in my life, through the struggles I've had.

I don't have much else to add. I mainly wanted to check in and let you know that we are alive and well. John is looking forward to having four days off, and Ethan and I are looking forward to spending some good time with him. We've been going in separate directions for over three weeks now. Once we settle in and have some down time, I have a new project. I am planning to rearrange the whole house. Yes, I know that I am crazy. We have clearly established that already. But having lived in this house for a while, we have discovered that we could make it work a little better for us if we swap some rooms around. The only rooms that will get by unscathed will be the kitchen and bathroom. This is the short version: We will put our bed in what is now Ethan's room. We will make what is now our bedroom into the living room/dining room/office. Ethan will get to have what is now our living room/dining room for his bedroom. And what is now John's little office, will become a storage closet. So there you have it. Total chaos and upheaval. And eventual beauty and harmony. I am so excited!

Quick Hello...

2008-11-13T18:40:00.004-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged much recently. I just wanted to post and let you know that John made it home safely. He had a good trip, but is exhausted. Tomorrow starts his three days of work, so he's got to hit the ground running! His company just laid off a bunch of workers, but John hasn't been called about it, so we're hoping no news is good news. He will find out tomorrow I guess.

I was asked to share my testimony today at a Bible Study I've been going to. The teacher of that study also teaches two times on Fridays to different groups of women, so she's asked me to share at those tomorrow as well. I much prefer writing to speaking, but I felt like God has given me a story to share, so I'm doing it. Typically I get extremely nervous, but this time I did not get nearly so anxious. I think I've finally reached the point in life where such things just don't matter as much. There are too many other important things in life that outweigh the fear of what other people think. So I have approached this exercise fairly pragmatically. I carefully came up with an outline and have been thinking and praying for weeks about what God would have me share. Despite my uncharacteristic calmness, I knew that I would not be able to speak with great eloquence or proficiency. I just figured that it could be termed a success if I managed to get the point across.

There was one factor that I did not consider. Hormones. Please pardon my indelicacy in referring to such things in mixed company, but this is a very real fact of life that has a deep impact on my normally easy going and unemotional self. In this case, a sudden and unwelcome attack of PMS sent all logic and planning screaming from the room. Seriously. There was nothing I could do about it, so I went in to the Bible study armed with boxes of tissues and loads of chocolate. And I unleashed it all on a room full of unsuspecting women. It was not pretty. I cried almost from the moment I started speaking until I ended. And I don't mean dab-at-the-eyes now and then crying. I mean nose-blowing, makeup-running, gut-wrenching crying. And that was just me. Those poor women spent so much time wiping their own eyes that I don't think they managed to choke down much of the chocolate. And guess what? I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Twice. Heaven help us all! Do you think it's possible that I discharged enough emotion today that I won't be able to cry tomorrow? (Don't answer that.)

Tonight I feel like a wet noodle that has been repeated flung around the room and slapped against the wall. My eyes burn and my head is thinking about hurting. But it's too tired to put in the energy it would take to work up a good headache. John is sound asleep on the couch. And Ethan is running in and out of the room like a toy that has been wound up good and tight. We are just waiting for him to run out of steam so that we can all go to bed. I'm thinking I can start getting Ethan ready for bed in about 18 minutes (not that I'm counting).

I hope you all have a good night. There are several people out there that I owe emails to. You know who you are. I will respond eventually. Maybe even tomorrow if I'm not in a coma.

Sleep well. Lots of love,
Sarah

Speaking of the Dead

2008-11-10T08:42:00.005-07:00

Hi! Thanks for praying for John's trip. He made it safely to Florida and is spending a few days there with family and friends. He flies home on Thursday. Ethan and I are definitely ready to have John home!

Ethan has seemed to level out some. At the end of one particularly long and difficult day, he was happily playing with me in the living room. He kind of randomly threw this statement out: "When I was in the bathroom, I thanked God." (I'm beginning to think that his time in the bathroom is the only time in Ethan's life when he's still enough to think.) I asked him what he thanked God for, and Ethan said "For dying on the cross." Ahhhh, music to my ears.

Yesterday, Reni and Mike had some people from church over to the house. I had been telling some of Ellie's story to a lady, so I pulled out pictures to show her. Ethan and another boy walked up at just that moment and Ethan grabbed one of the pictures. All afternoon, Ethan had been saying that he was shy and wouldn't even respond when people said "hi" to him. But he took the picture and showed it to the boy and boldly said "This is my sister, Ellie. She died. She had a bad sick called, um, um, cancer!" And then he looked to me for the nod that said he got it right. I am so proud of that boy! His straight shooting is a delight to my heart. I never want any of us to shy away from talking about Ellie, or even speaking plainly of her death. It is the speaking that continues to give her life to us. To lose that would be another kind of death. One that I just couldn't bear.

Thank you all for your love and encouragement. Thank you for keeping Ellie's memory alive with us!

The State of my House

2008-11-06T11:47:00.001-07:00

I have been pondering something over the past few days or so. I've been just really struck with the realization that it's time for some housecleaning in my life. There are piles of bad habits and old destructive patterns (of thinking and behavior) littering the floors and sin lurking in dark corners... I guess I'm just tired of it all and ready to see where God wants to take me. On the way home from taking Ethan to school this morning, a song came on that I've heard countless times before. But today I heard it with fresh ears. Ready ears. Hopeful ears.

The song is "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" by Sanctus Real.

Here are the lyrics, and below that I have the song on my playlist...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Sanctus Real

2008-11-06T08:45:00.010-07:00

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