Happy Birthday, Ellie!

I can hardly believe that today Ellie would be turning 12. It is so hard to imagine sometimes, when in our minds she will be forever 9. But then we look around and see Ellie's friends who are now as tall as I am, and the realization hits that she would be different at this age than what we remember.

Just the other day, John was looking through old documents on his computer and he came across something I wrote about Ellie when she was 5 - long before she was ever sick. The Today Show was doing a contest. They were promoting a Martina McBride song (click on the title of this blog entry to go to the song) and wanted mothers to submit essays on their daughters. I never sent mine in. I guess I figured that in the world of children, no one would find anything terribly remarkable about mine. Everyone thinks that their children are amazing, so I just wrote it up and forgot about it. I never even showed it to John. When John found it all these years later, what struck me was that this was simply my own thoughts on what my sweet Ellie meant to me when there was no cancer looming dark on the horizon... no thoughts of losing her to color my opinions with the rose colored glasses of motherly grief. This is what I wrote:

"As I watched Martina McBride perform 'In My Daughter’s Eyes' on the Today Show, I cried while I thought about my five-year old daughter, Ellie. That was the first time I had heard the song, and I was struck by such a truthful portrayal of a daughter’s love. I have been so blessed by my daughter’s life. I know that I am supposed to be the mom, but Ellie has taught me so much! She is such a loving, imaginative, and articulate little girl. Some days Ellie wants to be a ballerina or a decorator when she grows up, but more often than not, she wants to be a mom just like me. Ellie constantly challenges my view of the world with her perceptiveness and her own unique form of logic. One day she told me that she would help me decorate when I am on TV like all of the decorators that I enjoy watching. (As if it is a foregone conclusion that I will be on TV one day.) When I attempted to explain that the decorators on TV know so much more about decorating than I do, and have much more experience, Ellie’s answer stunned me. She said 'they all had to start somewhere, didn’t they Mom?' Ellie also shows such a depth of love for everyone that she cares about. When I apologize for being grouchy with her, Ellie is quick to say 'It’s o.k., Mom, I love you. You are such a good mommy.' She is also wonderful about coming to me to confess any wrongs on her part. She will show me things that she has done that she could have easily hidden, and she will often come back to me, even a day later and say 'I’m sorry that I didn’t obey you right away when you told me to get ready for bed last night.' Every day I feel so blessed that God gave me the love of such a special little girl, and I realize that while I am trying to teach and guide her, I am actually being taught the most of all."

I found something else that I wrote even longer ago - twelve and a half years, to be exact. I was sorting through boxes of things that had been stored here when we were in Montana, and I came across the baby book that I wrote in when I was pregnant with Ellie. On page after page, I wrote in a way that only an expectant mother can... I poured out my hopes and dreams for the future. One particular page stood out to me above all of the rest...

Thursday, March 19, 1998
"Our fourth anniversary! It's hard to believe that four years have already gone by. On this day, especially, my heart is overflowing. John and I have had the most wonderful four years together and now God has blessed us with a baby. It just seems too good to be true! This evening as I am surrounded by my wonderful family, it seems that God is too good to me. I look around the table and I see loved ones on all sides. I hope that this tiny life growing inside me will inherit wonderful traits from each person - both through genetics and later, through imitation. Surely one heart cannot take so much love. Maybe this new little beating heart will somehow sense it and grow to learn that the more you love, the more love you have to give. If I could have only one wish for this baby, it would be that she would love people with all of her heart!"

As I continued to look through the boxes of things, I started going through pages and pages of Ellie's art work and writings. One of the papers I found in the box was something Ellie wrote. It said "I like to help other pople. I like to rite and to dro. I like to seng songs and make things and deckorate. I love my famillie. The end." The one thing that God chose to bless her with, over and above all of Ellie's special qualities, was an extra big capacity to love. He filled her up to overflowing with the kind of love that I dreamed for her when her own heart was just starting to beat. In the grand scheme of things, Ellie's 9 years were like the blink of an eye, but she spent them wisely. She loved to the fullest.

Today I just miss her. Really I miss her everyday, but today I choose to really focus on all of the quirky, lovable, and crazy things that made her my Ellie girl. She could push my buttons so hard that I wanted to scream, and then turn around in the next breath and love me so sweetly that my heart hurt. She was complicated and lovely and funny and wise. And I REALLY really miss her. Badly. I would give anything to have her here again, rearranging my house and throwing glitter on the floor. Or insisting that we light a candle at the dinner table even when the meal was thrown together on paper plates. Or patiently teaching her little brother how to play a computer game (and then locking him out of her room because he is a pesky little brother, after all). Or snuggling with her daddy on the sofa. Or snuggling with ME on the sofa!

Then I realize that Ellie's reality is not mine. I miss her, but just for me. For Ellie, there is no more pain... no more tears... only joy and love and peace that have no end. So I guess God's birthday present gets to trump mine... again. Drat. I can't compete with that.

Please vote for this idea!!

Hi guys! I just wanted to write to ask you all to vote for something through Pepsi's website. If this idea wins, they will get $250,000 to spend on Neuroblastoma!

Here's the overview:
"Arms Wide Open Childhood Cancer Foundation is working closely with scientists, researchers and doctors who are pioneers in the pediatric cancer field, who are on the forefront of bringing many alternative therapies into clinic which could prolong the lives of children diagnosed with Neuroblastoma until a cure is funded. Right now only 30% of children diagnosed with Neuroblastoma will survive, but because it is an "orphan" cancer, research funding is limited as pharmaceutical companies do not see the efforts as profitable. Recognizing that children should not be viewed as a profit, but, rather, our investment, Arms Wide Open raises money for alternative therapies and actual treatments these children so desparately need in order to survive."

So please go to the website (click on the title of this post) everyday and vote! You can also vote via text every day:
Text 102653 to Pepsi (73774)

Thanks so much!

Facebook ate my blog!

6 months!! It's been SIX months since I've given you a decent update. I could tell you how busy I've been and how all of the weeks and months just blur together like one big lump of time. But I choose to blame Facebook. It is just soooo easy to throw out a quick one liner every so often than to think of a real update. Even though it's been so long, I don't feel like I have much to say. John is sweating his body weight daily in this Florida heat. I work a lot of hours, but LOVE my job so much! My boss is really great and there are constantly new ways for me to be challenged. Ethan is enjoying his summer and will be starting first grade all too soon!

I have a friend who wants to come over and take photos of the house, so when she does, I will post those. I would tell you that I could just go around and snap some photos to post, but we all know that would be a lie... sorry.

I will try to do better about getting on and giving you updates. I truly have not meant to go this long without checking in. If you are on facebook, please friend me, and at least that way you will hear from me a bit more frequently.

For now, I will leave you with today's FB post:

Sarah Skees is following dry slime trails around Ethan's room to find his pet slug that got loose sometime in the night. Long story... But the short story is I am NOT amused. Slugs do not make good pets.

M.G: LOL LOL!!!!

K.S.:Oh no Sarah! That is so yuk. We have those things outside and they are gross. I have to constantly tell my kids not to even think about touching them.

Sarah Skees:I have no idea what possessed me to allow such a thing. The funny part is that Ethan wouldn't even dream of touching it. When he realized it was lose in his room, it was all he could do not to throw up. After hyperventilating over a bucket for about 10 minutes, he is now safe on the sofa watching a movie - but the bucket and cold washcloth are close at hand...

T.W.: I'm....sorry....hahahaha! No, really I am but it is funny. I never thought he'd take me up on the offer to put it in a jar....and I figured it would live outside on the porch. Ummm, how exactly did the slug unscrew the lid and escape?

D.L.: Oh that is too funny. Did you find the slug? And I have to know also how did the slug come to unscrew the lid and escape?

Sarah Skees: Well... I was caught between feeling badly for the slug in the jar, and the little boy with big blinky blue eyes who desperately wanted a pet. To stall until John got home, we put some grass in the jar, turned it on it's side, and connected it to another jar with a plastic bag duct taped to each jar, with holes for air. I figured we'd deal with it today, but in the meantime I wouldn't feel like we were being cruel to the creature. My plan was to convince Ethan that slugs don't make good pets. Half an hour ago, Ethan sadly shook his head and said "slugs don't make good pets." See? I'm brilliant! BTW, the holes were very small, but the overlap in the plastic that wasn't completely duct taped, not so much...

D.L: I see where and whom is to blame now but did you ever find the blessed slug?

Sarah Skees: No, slug is still MIA. I am currently trying to bait him with a dish of flour/sugar water (self rising flour because I have no yeast). Beer would be better, but alas, I have no beer...

Sarah Skees: Ethan is on the sofa and I am on the bed... our feet are up off the floor and we are waiting for John to come home. :-)

D.L: If I was in Florida I would come to your rescue but I would probably not be of any good because I would be laughing too much. T.W., you need to go fix this - you do realize that this one is on you! happy slug hunting. lolololol

Sarah Skees: Thanks D.L.! It's nice to be rescued in spirit... the thought does count, you know! :-)

Sarah Skees: I'm happy to report that "Syd" the slug has been found... by Ethan. Ethan is currently sitting on my lap shuddering over and over because he accidentally touched it. Syd was curled up inside a box of legos (that Ethan moved to the living room to escape any possibility of running into Syd) and was found when Ethan reached in to pull out a lego. This is the stuff of nightmares for this little 7 year old boy! And now... he wants a Catfish. Heaven help us all!

J.H: Wow...you seriously might want to consider a dog...MUCH less drama! :0)

D.L.:Sarah Just get the poor boy a puppy and everything will work out.

R.D: Ohhhhhh!! That would just be the beginning of a world of woes!

V.A.: The puppy would have found and disposed of the slug for you too! No fish for pets...they either die too easily or live forever. We had Methusafish. Stupid goldfish we won at a school fair when we living in a hotel because our house was being fixed after the Northridge earthquake of 1994. We went home to our dual rooms that already housed four ... See Morepeople and a 60lb dog with three fish. One was dead in the morning. One last a few days and the last one, with a life expectancy of 6 months, last NINE years. NINE YEARS!!! I kept having to get him a bigger bowl. And how big a bowl does a catfish need? I did see a show on Dogs 101 on Animal Planet about 2 families that share a dog. maybe you know someone that would do with you! But the slug story is too funny!!!

Sarah Skees: John and Ethan are re-locating the slug to a pile of dead leaves in the back yard as we speak!

So, see what you're missing by not having me as a friend on Facebook? :-)

Nancy Mankins Hamm: The BLook Club...

Nancy Mankins Hamm: The BLook Club...

Check out the latest on my Mom's blog!

We are still alive... barely.

Thanks so much for all of the sweet comments and well-wishes. We managed to make it through the 19th and Christmas and New Years. I was sick for most of that time and since then I've been busy with work. Today is house cleaning/un-decorate for Christmas day... Ugh. I'm so tired and would much rather just sit here at the computer watching the hours tick by. But, alas, there are almost no clean clothes left in the house and the dust bunnies are about to stage a coup. I'm seriously contemplating waving the white flag before the war ever starts... sigh.

2 Years

I'm feeling a bit light on words today, so I thought I would go heavy on pictures.

Late last night, Ellie's great-grandma, Agnes, joined her in the presence of God. This photo was taken a few years ago...



This is one of my favorites... Ellie and Loretta in a moment of pure joy...



And this is the little devilish side coming out:



Here is another favorite photo. It was taken with a phone, so the quality is a little poor, but I love it because she was looking at her Uncle Nick. This was her special "Uncle Nick look".



In keeping with the crazy-Ellie theme I've been on for a week or so, this one just makes me smile!



And, finally, one of the most special memories, Ellie with her Uncle Chad. She made this welcome sign for him, and when Chad arrived, she hugged him like she would never let him go.



Here's a few photos from the past several months...





I will leave you with this last photo. It was taken just a couple of nights ago at Ethan's school Christmas program. These are two of Ellie's very best friends. Aubrey Myers, in the middle, is one year younger than Ellie would have been. On the right is Alex Corley who was 4 months younger than Ellie. These two girls were always by Ellie's side. I had to show how tall they are, so I took off my high heels to get this photo. I figure that Ellie would not have been that tall. Both of these girls come from tall parents, but I love seeing these girls and imagining how Ellie would look at 11. And I just love them. Every time they see me, they hug me, and this mama's heart is soothed and comforted. Aubrey gave us some flowers today with a letter about how much she misses Ellie and loved her and I am reminded that we are not the only ones who have tears on our faces today.

Aubrey and Alex, I love you so much and am very proud of the beautiful, sweet young ladies you are becoming! Ellie loved you with all of her heart and she would be proud too...

Circle of Life

I just wanted to put out an update to ask for prayer. John's Grandma Agnes out in Montana is not doing well. It looks like she might get to see Ellie soon... We know that she has been longing for Heaven for quite some time, so this is a bitter-sweet time. Our prayer right now is for God to take her quickly and with minimal pain and trauma. We would also love prayer for Loretta, Reni, and Belinda - for strength and wisdom - as they care for Grandma. Belinda just flew out to Montana. Also, please pray for all of the family who are too far away to be there.

Can you believe that Saturday will be two years since Ellie died? Wasn't it just a few months ago? Two whole years without our little warrior princess... Somehow it just doesn't seem possible. Loretta was talking the other night about this funny face that Ellie would make when she knew that she was going to get her way on something that she totally shouldn't be getting. I can't even describe it, but it was cunning and endearing all at the same time. I've been remembering a lot lately about that funny side of Ellie... how she was equal parts sweetness and willfulness. Towards the end of her life, Ellie started making a joke about her blind left eye. When she wanted to be really ornery, she would close the good eye and "stare" with all of her might at you with her left eye. Someone finally caught on to what she was doing and indignantly asked "what are you doing? Are you giving me the dead eye?" Ellie laughed so hard at that, and giving the dead eye became her favorite pastime. She had the strangest, funniest sense of humor. I can picture like it was yesterday how Ellie would watch "Night at the Museum" and get so tickled over something that she would sit up and slap her leg with her hand and then repeat the line like she was hearing it for the first time.

Two years later, we find ourselves remembering our joyful, comical, and loving little maniac, and I can almost see her sitting by her great grandma's bed, shaking her head over all that we don't know, just waiting to take Agnes by the hand and show her the wonders of eternity. I would love to tag along for just a minute and get a peek, but that exasperating child just rolls her eyes at me and gives me her perfected, I-may-only-be-a-child-but-on-the-inside-I'm-all-grown-up look, and her eyes sparkle over this ultimate secret that she gets to hold over my head for the rest of my life. It figures that Ellie would get to have all the answers before the rest of us. She wouldn't have it any other way!