We will always remember Ellie for her love for others, her creativity, sensitivity, and delight in life! Ellie's light has spread far and wide... may it continue to shine in our hearts.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

John's Visit - Part I

Thank you once again for being such wonderful friends and helping me to sort through this complicated minefield of grief! Your sweet comments encouraged my heart more than you know!

I thought I would post photos of John's visit in two or three parts. To begin with, I will show you the absolute highlight of the trip.

We were sitting in the car waiting to go on a trip to Glacier National Park, and Ethan climbed up into John's lap and said "I'm so glad you are here, Daddy!" and I was so thankful that I had the camera on hand to capture it:

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Stay tuned for more photos...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter

I was just reflecting back on the past two Easters. Two years ago, Ellie was in the ICU. I decided to take a walk down memory lane and re-read some of those ICU entries. I've been sitting here crying over my computer for the past hour... The intense stress of that time came washing over me all over again. I remember Ellie's doctor telling me most emphatically that he did not believe in miracles, but Ellie's recovery was one of two events that he knew of that could qualify as miraculous. I've since pondered on that and wondered why God brought Ellie through that hell only to allow her to die 8 months later. But even as I wonder, I really do know the answer. It is grace. He gave her time to enjoy life again without pain. To be a little girl again. To hug her grandparents again. To play with her little brother again. To leave us all with a legacy of love and songs and memories that were untainted by her pain, but rather enriched by the suffering she had been through.

Then there's last Easter. I'm not even sure that I remember Easter last year. My heart still continually alternated between feeling raw and numb, and my memories of much of that time are fuzzy. Just after Ellie died, one of her friends had a beautiful dream about Heaven and was comforted. I would beg God to do the same for me - just allow me to experience a small taste of what life for Ellie was like in Heaven. At first my dreams were completely empty of anything relating to Ellie. And then I would see her in my dreams, but each time I had the full realization that she was going to die. Then one day, Ellie was in a dream in which she was normal - there was no cancer or death - just Ellie sitting on a bunk bed asking for her daddy. At some point I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be granted that glimpse of Heaven that I so wanted. My dreams always tend to be very "normal" - all of the boundaries of everyday life apply, and they are filled with the mundane stuff of ordinary life. I supposed that dreams of Heaven were only meant for children, who have the kind of eyes that are needed to see through "reality". I decided that seeing wasn't the important thing. I knew with all of my heart that Ellie was living with God, and I trusted that she was completely happy and free. This was just going to have to be an issue of faith for me - since faith, by it's very definition, does not include sight.

And then one night God gave me exactly what I needed to see. I still was not transported to Heaven in my dreams, the way that I imagined. It was even better than that. This dream felt so real that even now, it seems as if it actually happened. The dream began with me sleeping in my bed. I got up, and went out into the mud room to find that God had sent Ellie back from Heaven just to hug me. Ellie motioned to the window with a wave of her hand and showed me an exquisite display of the northern lights in the sky. As I watched the blues and greens wave across the night sky, Ellie wrapped her little arms around my waist and snuggled close into my chest. She never spoke a word, but before I let her go, I looked down into her upturned face and saw something that I will never forget. In Ellie's face, I saw all of the vast treasures of eternity. I couldn't read them myself, but I could tell that she knew them all - all of the secrets of the ages. The wealth of all wisdom and knowledge were contained in that precious little face. She had seen the face of God.

I know that speculation abounds regarding whether those in Heaven can see us here on Earth. Some feel that they cannot, because God has wiped every tear from their eyes, and how could they look upon our pain and suffering without sorrow? I used to wonder about that. But I now have a different take on it. The wise, peaceful face of my sweet girl told me that she could look fully at my sin and suffering without pain. She lived life in this dying world and suffered, so she knows how it feels. But now she knows all of the secrets and what the future holds, and instead of feeling sorrow for my pain, she whispers words of comfort to my broken heart: "Keep going, Mom. Don't give up. It's only a little longer... You can't even imagine how quickly it will be over and you will get to see God. And me. Just keep clinging to God. Don't let go."

Today is Easter. It's the day that we celebrate Jesus' resurrection from the dead. I wanted to think of something insightful and wise to say, but "spiritual" words just seem to fail me. I am so grateful that Jesus died for my sins. I am beyond thankful that He conquered death and now lives in Heaven. But I have this terrible realization that I don't love Him enough. There's this scary little sensation in the pit of my stomach that all I can really feel is that His incredible gift gives me the chance to see my Ellie girl again. I should be longing to see His face, but I keep imagining hers... I am so glad that my Savior knows that I am still bound by the constraints of my sinful nature and that try as I might, my love for Him will not be perfect until I reach eternity. Still, I hope to spend the rest of this life that I have, learning to love Him better... to long for Him more. That one glimpse of Ellie's transformed face tells me that it will be worth it.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

I'm alive! (seriously)

I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update you all. (I just had the thought flash through my brain that I start way too many entries that way!)

I've been having one of those kinds of weeks where I've let everything go. Over the last couple of months I have been trying so hard to keep up with the little things, but for one blissful week I have just let them all go. (It helps that Ethan's on spring break, so I don't have to drag myself out of bed on time every morning.) I've been on a creative binge that has left little room for mundane things such as dishes and laundry. And while blogging is not on my list of the mundane, it too had to go by the wayside. It is 1:30 a.m. right now, and as I look out over the living room, I see 5 swords, 6 sticks, miscellaneous leggos, several stuffed animals and other random toys. And that's just across the room from where I sit. On the desk, all around my computer, are water bottles, a coffee cup, a paper cutter, glue stick, exacto knives, car keys, several large rocks (which have no purpose other than that they are pretty), reading glasses, candy wrappers, and a large stainless steel bowl - among other things. On the floor, surrounding my chair is a landslide of papers, 20 years worth of journals, a Bible, colored pencils, an overflowing trash can, a headphone set, and oh looky there - one of Ethan's socks! I'm a little nervous that when I actually begin the cleanup process I may find the remains of one of my dinners from past days (although "dinner" may be exaggerating the odd bits of food I've consumed). You think I'm joking, but I won't even describe the kitchen to you. (I do have a little dignity, you know.) I'm sorry that I'm not unveiling a grand masterpiece to you all - that's not really the point. For some time now, I've been parceling out my creativity in small doses while keeping all the other balls up in the air. What a relief to stop juggling and just read and write and cut and color and glue... pure heaven, I tell ya!

Tomorrow reality will hit me over the head with a thud. It should have been today, but the sun was shining and the temperatures skyrocketed up to around 60, so Ethan and I went to the park for about three hours to hang out with a bunch of moms and kids from my Thursday morning Bible study. We had a great time! I got to have some good visit time with other moms while being warmed by the sun. Ethan spent the first hour up in a tree, but he eventually came down and played with the other kids. I think that he was just as excited about the tree as he was the friends. I would call up to him every so often to make sure that he wasn't stuck, and he would say "don't worry about me, Mom, I'm fine. But I really wish that I could climb higher."

So now is the time to catch you up on recent events! I know that I have lots to fill you in on about John's visit, but that will be in a future post. First I want to show you the photos from our Minnesota trip!

Mom and Gary took Ethan and me to a place that has an indoor water park! It was such a treat to immerse ourselves in water. I think it had been at least two years since I'd donned a swimming suit. (Yikees! I'm not going there.) Anyway... Ethan was in pure heaven!

Ethan started out on the smaller water slides that he could comfortably do by himself:
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And then graduated to this:
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He took turns riding the monster slide with Mom, Gary, and me in a double inner tube:
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He even graduated to doing it on his own!
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There was a lazy river:
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And a hot tube to warm up in:
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On another day, we visited the Mall of America, and Ethan had more fun than one little boy could ever imagine!

This was Ethan's favorite ride - the swings:
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And bumper cars:
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Ethan and I rode two different roller coasters. This was the milder of the two!
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We got to visit the aquarium in the mall:
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Ethan was desperately trying to find a matching real shark for his new shark:
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Found it!
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And of course, best of all, we were able to spend time with family...

We stayed the majority of the time at Dave and Trisha's house. Ethan fell absolutely in love with his Aunt Trish! He talked her ear off and she won him over by coloring with him. This is Dave, Trish, and baby Tanner:
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Ethan also loved spending time with "Grandma" and "Papa" again after more than a year without getting to see them! Here's Mom and Gary with Tanner:
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Ethan with his new cousin!
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All in all, we had a wonderful trip! I was also able to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. We had a great visit with a good friend I hadn't seen in three years. Then in a completely surprising turn of events, my matron of honor from my wedding happened to be in Wisconsin - only a couple of hours from where we were! We had not seen each other since my wedding day 15 years ago. I was able to see her and her family (the last time I saw her she didn't have kids, and now she has three children and one more on the way) and even got to see her sister and her family. I was so glad that they could also meet Ethan!

Thanks for your patience with me. I'll be back in a few days with photos from John's surprise visit!