Sometimes I get to writing things down and don't always pay close attention to how they come out, or might make someone else feel. I try to pay attention, but from time to time things slip past me. And sometimes more important than what I do say, is what I don't say. One of the hardest things about this year for me has been having to make the difficult decisions in spite of making other people feel badly. Even though I have done my best to be honest with you all, I haven't always told you everything that has happened or given all of our reasons for what we do. I am not sorry for that, because some things simply do not need to be told, but by some of my omissions, I have possibly caused confusion and misunderstanding, and I don't want to do that.
First of all, I now realize, in hind sight, that I should have offered a more lengthy explanation of why Chad came alone to Montana. I was trying to shorten it into something generic, but I ended up making light of the sacrifice that Janeene made in staying in Florida with the kids as well as not giving you the full truth. Many times we have had to make hard decisions over this past year, and one of the things that we have been very careful about is germs. We have found that young children who are developing their immune systems can be the greatest risk. As Ellie's counts drop, a virus can easily be the thing to take her out. I spent some time on the phone with Chad, and expressed our concern (because as of a couple of days ago we were entertaining that very small chance that things would get worse before they might get better) and asked if he was planning on coming immediately, that Elijah not come. They were so gracious to us. I'm sorry that I glossed over something so important for the sake of brevity.
Another excruciating decision that we have had to make, is that of telling our parents to hold off on coming during this time. I need to make it clear to you that all of our parents would be here in a heartbeat if we said the word. Our reasoning hearkens back to the days of the ICU. I discovered then how hard it was to see the ugly side of cancer and of dying. I also realized how hard it was for me to deal with my own pain and stay strong for Ellie while being impacted by the grief of our parents (because of how weak and overwhelmed I felt). Until Ellie takes her last breath, I may not fully give in to my grief. I feel it in small pieces every day, but I mostly must fight. This time, like the ICU, is such a time of working and fighting. Mom and Gary and Stan and Pat have been with us from the beginning - providing comfort in the hospital, caring for Ethan, and giving support in so many ways. So many people have come to our aid over the course of this past year, that I have begun to feel like we use people up for a living. Right now we are leaning on those with the technical know-how to get us through this final journey. Not because they are closer to Ellie than her grandparents, but because we need their help. Everyone in our lives have had a specific role over this year, and they have all fulfilled that role with such love. We have never intended for any to over-shadow another. We are forever grateful to all, but right now I would ask that you would pray specifically for Ellie's grandparents. Their hearts are broken as they are only able to wait. Please pray that God Himself would wrap them in His loving arms and comfort their aching hearts!