Pearls and Saphires

I've been thinking... and thinking... and then thinking some more...

Today someone asked me how I was doing - how I was really doing. And some of the thinking of the past days began to form words that could be spoken and written.

We were out and about yesterday, and in our travels we once again visited a beautiful river and waterfall. I found a cool spot in the shade and laid down on my back while the beauty of the place washed over me. And I felt joy. What was even more significant was the fact that I experienced joy for most of the day. And the day before that. And even the day before that. When Ellie died, it felt as if those moments of joy were little pearls being strung together against the grey backdrop of sorrow. I wondered how long this would be so. And then the moments of joy became a day of joy here and there. What struck me as I lay under the solid outcropping of rock yesterday, was that now I feel as if the moments of sadness, and sometimes still days of sadness, have become glistening saphire tears... strung together against the backdrop of a peaceful kind of joy. This joy will never be that bright sunshine yellow kind of happiness I may have felt as a child who had such a bright life ahead to experience. My badkdrop is painted with many colors, both dark and light. But the overall picture speaks of joy, deep and abiding.