Reflections...

Well... life goes on... I still spend most of my days in a state of exhaustion, with very little will to get moving, go anywhere, or do anything. I could happily spend days on end not speaking to another human being. I mostly still feel, as I did before, that there are simply no words. The only real spark that I feel is in being creative. For the moment, it is the only link that I can find to my former self. The best thing that I have noticed is that I am living in a state of grace, similar to that which I experienced after giving birth to Ellie - only more somber. After Ellie was born I was able to sit in an easy chair all day long, holding my new baby while my mom took care of all of the details of life - cooking, cleaning, laundry and such. I can only describe it as a time of grace - a sort of surreal period where I only had to worry about taking care of myself and snuggling a very tiny baby. I knew that it would not last forever, but it was a guilt-free season of rest. And that is exactly what I am experiencing now. I feel so decadent and lazy, but I have been once again given the opportunity to rest. Mike and Reni are even entertaining Ethan so that all I have to do is spend time snuggling him. Some of my most precious times with Ethan have been rocking him to sleep when he's had trouble sleeping.

In the past few days I have had two completely different and yet incredibly special experiences. A couple of days ago I was so happy... for absolutely no reason. Loretta and I giggled and joked and out-right guffawed - for no reason. We were positively giddy. It took me almost the whole day to realize that I was just... happy. There was an unbelievable feeling of lightness in my whole being. The feeling did pass, unfortunately, but the fact that it was there at all was a marvel! And then just tonight, I was sitting across from John while we were eating and I caught sight of a picture of Ellie on the computer monitor just over John's shoulder. I spontaneously burst into tears. I'm not sure who was more surprised - Loretta (who immediately began crying as well) John, or me! I was completely caught off guard. But I have to tell you, the wonder of it all is that the tears felt every bit as great as the happiness had.

So... I have nothing earth-shattering for you... just reflections of life thus far. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never be the same person that I was before. But I am so glad to see signs that I will not always be the person that I am now.