We will always remember Ellie for her love for others, her creativity, sensitivity, and delight in life! Ellie's light has spread far and wide... may it continue to shine in our hearts.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Reflections...

Well... life goes on... I still spend most of my days in a state of exhaustion, with very little will to get moving, go anywhere, or do anything. I could happily spend days on end not speaking to another human being. I mostly still feel, as I did before, that there are simply no words. The only real spark that I feel is in being creative. For the moment, it is the only link that I can find to my former self. The best thing that I have noticed is that I am living in a state of grace, similar to that which I experienced after giving birth to Ellie - only more somber. After Ellie was born I was able to sit in an easy chair all day long, holding my new baby while my mom took care of all of the details of life - cooking, cleaning, laundry and such. I can only describe it as a time of grace - a sort of surreal period where I only had to worry about taking care of myself and snuggling a very tiny baby. I knew that it would not last forever, but it was a guilt-free season of rest. And that is exactly what I am experiencing now. I feel so decadent and lazy, but I have been once again given the opportunity to rest. Mike and Reni are even entertaining Ethan so that all I have to do is spend time snuggling him. Some of my most precious times with Ethan have been rocking him to sleep when he's had trouble sleeping.

In the past few days I have had two completely different and yet incredibly special experiences. A couple of days ago I was so happy... for absolutely no reason. Loretta and I giggled and joked and out-right guffawed - for no reason. We were positively giddy. It took me almost the whole day to realize that I was just... happy. There was an unbelievable feeling of lightness in my whole being. The feeling did pass, unfortunately, but the fact that it was there at all was a marvel! And then just tonight, I was sitting across from John while we were eating and I caught sight of a picture of Ellie on the computer monitor just over John's shoulder. I spontaneously burst into tears. I'm not sure who was more surprised - Loretta (who immediately began crying as well) John, or me! I was completely caught off guard. But I have to tell you, the wonder of it all is that the tears felt every bit as great as the happiness had.

So... I have nothing earth-shattering for you... just reflections of life thus far. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never be the same person that I was before. But I am so glad to see signs that I will not always be the person that I am now.

18 Comments:

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Kathy Tobin said...

You may not feel as if you are the same person, however one thing will always remain the same.. you are Ellie & Ethan's Mommy.

You are an amazing Mother, an inspiration to all!!

My prayers will continue for you & your Family during this most difficult journey.

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your words are profound in waht you are coming to understand. You will never be the same, no one is after life's tough lessons. You and John have experienced one of life's toughest. But rest assured only the places in you that God needed to change will have changed and as life ontinues you will see more of you but even that will be different. After my sister took her life I felt I would never be the same and I am not, but sometimes I catch a glimspe of the me and even it is different. Some parts of me still are the same and ohter parts are so very different. But more than anything I have come to realize truely "That God's grace is suffient for ME!" Now more than ever I realize that without Him I would not survive even with my loving husband and son by my side. You will experience things for many years to come but in doing so you will continue to touch and change lives. And teach us all how to dance! Mema in SC

 
At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bittersweet is the best word I have come across to explain what you are experiencing. You get to experience God in a way that most people don't get to. When we found out our precious baby was no longer with us and that he would not be coming home, I experienced the same things you are describing. I remember thinking of the things I used to enjoy so much ~ family vacations, Christmas, baby things~ I never thought I would be happy again. I felt like my joy was absolutely gone. I feel totally different since Levi is in heaven and I often feel like it was all a dream or a big gap that I have never crossed over in my life. God has blessed us with another son, but he will never take the place of Levi. The Lord has shown me that it will get easier and that Oh the reunion we will have someday. Sometimes I think that Levi is watching me and wonder if he would be proud of the way that I have handled his death. He is with Jesus and he knows that he isn't missing anything down here on this earth. It is me that is missing him. Someday I won't have to miss him anymore because eternity will be ours. I don't know if my reflections help you at all, but I hope they do. God's will is not always what it seems it should be and sometimes it seems very unfair. One of the verses that has helped me is "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding." I have to trust in HIS perfect plan because I really don't understand, but He does. God is good and someday you will feel more like yourself. Ellie will always be a part of your life. She still is in your life, she is just enjoying heaven where it is perfect and she is perfect. Does it make the pain, numbness and loneliness go away? No, but the Lord will gradually carry you and someday you will be amazed at where He has brought you from. When people used to ask me if I was okay~ I would say no, but I will be. And now I can say that I am okay because the Lord has lived through me these past couple years and lived for me when I couldn't. We are so blessed to have a God that loves us so much that He feels all of our pains, emptinesses and even bears them for us. I will continue to pray for you and your family as you face this journey. Just let the Lord carry you and He will give you the strength you need for every day until He shows you that you can walk while He holds your hand.

Love, Nicki

 
At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Tina said...

Thank you so much for sharing!

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger Allison said...

Thank you for your thoughts. I have been stuggling with my attitude this week. My husband lost his job about 2 months ago his plant announced that they were closing so this week he has started a new job. We are hoping it is temporary, rotten hours and rotten pay. I just have been feeling like I'm not sure what God has instore, where does he want us to be. I especially needed the part you said that we won't always be the same. I still continue to pray for you, and John and Ethan. Everytime I read your blog, you always encourage me. Which seems like you should be the one getting the encourgament not me. With Love from Allison in Iowa

 
At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarah Just wanted you to know that I think about you often. We thank God for Ellie watching over all of us. God Bless you and comfort you daily! Tiffany Chorney

 
At 11:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't God's grace amazingly abundant... One of the most times in my life that I have experienced it is when my wife and I lost a baby after carrying for 9 mths. In the mindst of the grief, pain, and shock, God was there. He stayed true to His Word... "I will never leave or forsake you". He really carried us along in ways that are hard to explain. Well, I wanted to let you know that I prayed for you and your family tonight.

 
At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah, it sounds like you're decompressing after such an intense emotional experience. I'm so thankful that the Lord has put your family in a place where you can do that while others take care of you. His provisions never end! You, John and Ethan as well as your extended family continue to be in my prayers as you grieve together.

Beth Anne

 
At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is so much wisdom in what you just said. The last two sentences really hit me. You are a delight to read about. After loosing my Dad just recently - there were times of laughter and deep times of crying. Both of them were wonderful. I am a witness to what Christ does in life after we loose someone so dear. Fight the good fight - Ive been reading since the beginning, Ellie touched my family, and me especially. ( I have a 9 yr old daughter) Blessings to you. Mike Stark and The Stark Family, Blairstown, NJ

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Mrs said...

Wow, this post is SO amazing. I wish anyone and everyone grieving would read it. A "guilt free season of rest." Precious. Thank You, Lord!

 
At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy do we miss you all! Mady and I have been thinking about Ellie alot and missing us all together! OK...I ADORE your art work, it is brilliant, as are your many talents. I could look at it for HOURS!!!!
Love you all, miss you so much!
Jim, Jenn & Girls

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger Kate said...

Amen...keep clinging to our grace-filled Jesus!

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

Many, many hugs, and lots of prayers.

God bless!
Sheila

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger jeni said...

hi sarah-

i haven't commented in a while, but i wanted to let you know i check in constantly:)

i feel like i have a little of ellie's spirit with me all the time here in ny. we're in the adirondack mountains, and i think she likes it here:)

last december i told ellie i thought my boyfriend was going to propose, and sure enough, he did on christmas! so, now ellie helps me stay sane during this wedding planning!

i hope the prospect of pring lightens your heart, sarah.

love,
jeni

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are continuing to pray for all of you each and every day. You have such a way of expressing yourself that is admired by so many, including me. I love the art work. It is beautiful. God has given you such a gift. Keep strong and hold tight to Jesus. God Bless you. Love Simons family

 
At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The incredible way God has made us...with the ability to laugh and to cry. And for both of those extremes to be right!
You may never be the person you were, but He will bring beauty from your ashes.

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger LindaSueBuhl said...

I check in most days to see if you've been moved to post something. You are thought of so continually by so many of us. Holy Week is a good time to reflect and prepare our hearts for the resurrection - of Christ, of springtime, of our hearts. Blessed Holy Week to you and your loved ones.

 
At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Jen Johnson said...

Sarah,

Sending you a very big Johnson HELLO!!! Hope you have had a wonderful day and that your next few days with John being off are extra extra relaxing!! I can't wait to see the new colors in your house.
Oh, our lettering is done today. Hopefully I can pick it up tomorrow and maybe bring it to you Wednesday evening while the kids are at Pioneers??
Anyways, Please tell Ethan that Cody and Bay said hi.
Goodnight, Sarah!!
Jen

 

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