We will always remember Ellie for her love for others, her creativity, sensitivity, and delight in life! Ellie's light has spread far and wide... may it continue to shine in our hearts.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Today is our 14th. wedding anniversary! We are planning to go out for a nice dinner tonight. It is good to look back sometimes... take a trip down memory lane. We have had many wonderful years, but some (such as the past one) have been harder than others. Loretta just came in and told us about a sermon she was listening to, about how hurricanes can really clean things up. Dead branches fall out of trees and even the air has been washed clean. Unfortunately, along with the dirt and deadness, very precious things can also become casualties. That sort of rings true in our life. We may be dealing with loss and devastation, but there is also a sense of focus and simplicity - a knowledge that what is left behind could not be touched by the winds and downpour. What remains is not only extremely solid, but sacred. It is, or at least feels... untouchable.

Today is also the 13-week anniversary of Ellie's death. Every Wednesday night John's cell phone alarms at 7:43 p.m. It always surprises me, because I don't think about it the same way - I don't mark the weeks so precisely. When the alarm goes off, I am startled into the realization that another week has gone by and at that exact time, on a Wednesday not too long ago, we were watching Ellie take her last breath. I have always found it sad and wondered why John would torture himself so. But last week John was outside at 7:43 p.m. when his abandoned cell phone alarmed next to me. I opened it up to turn the alarm off and read the words "Ellie's Freedom". Somehow, with that one little phrase, my thinking has changed. I find John's compulsive remembrance touching and meaningful, and much more complicated than just mournful.

For me, the past few days have been full of tears. I have cried both violent "I-can't-breathe" kind of tears, as well as the gentle, aching, sorrowful tears of a broken heart. It is, I suppose, another kind of washing of the air.

We are making preparations to move into our little "cabin". Loretta is moving over to the big house this week and then I have a little painting to do before we can move over. I am planning to incorporate many special touches to bring Ellie's presence into our home. I am trying not to build a "shrine" but to find ways to honor Ellie with pictures and with words - some way to acknowledge Ellie in our home other than through her painful absence. I bought some vinyl quotes to stick on the wall. They say: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's learning to dance in the rain." "Because someone we love is in Heaven, we feel Heaven in our home." and "Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never the same." I think that Ellie would approve!

I will be sure to put out pictures of our home. We will be finishing it off slowly - one room at a time. My hope is to complete the living room first. I miss my sofa so much. For most women, the kitchen is the heart of their home, but the living room (particularly the sofa) has always been mine. I can't wait to have a home again, and at least it will have it's heart back - even if it is still broken.


At 1:18 PM, Blogger Lucie's mum said...

Just a message of hope, sending prayers your way.

I am currently blogging my daughters journey through stage 4 Nueoroblastoma, and I know that right now, nothing will ease your pain, but know that everything in life happens for a reason, no matter how cruel.

Please take care.


At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary!! I hope you have a relaxing evening. Will be praying for you guys as you move, hope it all goes well as you settle into your home.


At 2:59 PM, Blogger pk said...

Your writing and sharing is so excruciatingly beautiful .
love, hugs, and of course prayers for you and yours, in HIM, pk

At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarah and John,

I pray that the Lord's presence is felt tonight and just envelopes both of you! There are so many times, I read your words and wish that I could hug and encourage you somehow....
Dear sister in Christ you are loved by so many!! It will be good to make a home even though I know a huge part of it is missing. We continue to pray for your strength and peace during this journey...

The Haviland's

At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Sarah! Happy
Anniversary! I love you! Sheri

At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!!! Sarah, I can't believe it has been 14 years! I remember your wedding day so well. My mom made me a special dress and I remember thinking you were so beautiful. I thought you looked just like Princess Diana! I have always looked up to you so much. Hope you enjoy your night together. Thanks for always sharing your heart so honestly. We miss you!

love, heather

At 7:32 PM, Blogger LindaSueBuhl said...

sarah - you have taken so many hearts with you through all this. Happy Anniversary - and looking forward to seeing pictures of the new home.

At 7:33 PM, Blogger oneofhisfriends said...

Happy Anniversary


At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Jen Johnson said...

Sarah and John,

Wishing you an evening full of LOVE and kindness. May you fully enjoy the company of each other!

Much loves to you all on such a special night~Jen

P.S. Check the mailbox for your vinyl!

At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! I hope you had a great night out last night. Praying for you always and I hope you get to move into your new home real soon.Thank you for always sharing from your heart. You have an amazing gift. Cant wait to see your new home pitures.. Love Simons Family


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