Encouragement from Across the World...

I woke up this morning to find an email in my inbox from my brother, Chad. He encouraged my heart with a story about how he had been able to share Ellie's sickness (back before she died) with a man in a tribe in Papua New Guinea who believed that all of us Americans live in Paradise right here on Earth because of all of our stuff. It was wonderful to realize that God can use Ellie's suffering to touch others even around the world. The man that Chad was talking to believed that we just live lives of bliss with all of our wealth (he obviously doesn't know us!) and that we don't have any "heavies" (I love that description of suffering).

Then Chad passed on this story from some of his co-workers who live and work in another tribe. It took my breath away!

"Tonight, one of our translation helpers, Fransis Mbagimba, lost his 6 year old daughter. He is a strong believer and we have spent most of the day sitting with he and his wife outside their hut. Years ago another child died the same way and he went around afterwards threatening people and blaming them for the death and it turned into a community 'heavy'. Today, as she was passing away, he held her and asked if she was going to her Deliverer and leaving them forever and then told her to run to Jesus. After many tears, he spoke to the crowd that had gathered and this is what he said:

You people. Stop crying for my little girl. This little one heard God’s talk and listened to me when I taught her at home. She would listen and answer my questions and believed what we told her about the Deliverer who was God’s Son. She has already gone to her real Father, the one who made her. You should cry for those of us who are still on the ground and especially for those who don’t believe in Jesus. You people standing around here, you who don’t really lift up Jesus and believe in his work down in your underneath thinking – you look at this little girl. God marked her time and how many days she had long ago and He has taken her today on the day he marked. You don’t know your day. Turn your stomach and ask God to save you. Today my daughter died. It is a 'trying time' (trial) for me, but I have heard God’s sweet talk and it is true and I am not going to be in two minds about this. God’s Spirit will help me and I will be strong through it."

Random thoughts...

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. After all of the craziness of working on the house, and finally coming to a point where there's not much more to do, I kind of crashed. I have been so exhausted. So, I've not been doing too much these days other than laying low and relaxing.

I've been thinking a lot about grief. The news of Steven Curtis Chapman's loss of his daughter Maria last week has hit hard. (For those of you who don't know, Steven is a Christian singer who has three grown children and three little girls that they adopted from China. Steven and his wife have a foundation that helps families adopt children from China. Their family is close to our hearts because, not only do we love his music, we have a niece from China and very close friends with a daughter from China. Just a few days ago, one of Steven's sons accidentally ran over the youngest girl in the driveway of their home.) Whenever I hear of another family loosing a child, it's as if the "club" has just gotten a new member. But it's a club that no one wants to join! No-one wants it, and no-one wants to see it happen to someone else. When someone loses a child, those of us who have gone before remember what it was like for us in the beginning days. And we know what road the new ones will go down.

I've been thinking about how to mesh the ideas of grief and faith. I am aware of the fact that I've written very little about God in these past 5 months. I have not lost faith - not even a little bit. The whole time that Ellie was being treated for cancer, God constantly spoke words of encouragement to my heart. It was such a time of stretching and growing and being encouraged by the promises of God. It was a time of drawing close to God and relying on His strength because I had none of my own. Now that Ellie is gone, it is a time of just resting close to the heart of God. I am constantly reminded of Larry Brown's words at the memorial services about trusting in the character of God. Right now, God feels very close, but He is not speaking much. It's like how I dealt with Ellie. I taught her what to do, how to be - I encouraged her in every way that I knew how. But when the pain was at it's worst, all I could do was hold her and stroke her... remind her to breathe... and say "I'm sorry." I am so sorry that you have to go through this - so sorry for the pain. I wish that I could take it away, but all I can do is hold you. I love you. That is where I stand with God right now. There are no lessons, not really even any "encouragements" so to speak. Just His arms and reminders of His love. It is enough. It is all that I can handle right now - being held and remembering to breathe.

So how does the day to day grief play out? Much differently for each of us.

Ethan will seem mostly o.k., playing and having fun, and then kind of unravel at the seams. Loretta has had some good talks with him and he has expressed that he wishes that he had died instead of Ellie. He misses her so much. When he and John went to get their hair cut, Ethan decided to get his shaved off - and John joined him. I think that it made Ethan feel closer to Ellie somehow. Ethan also pretends to be an animal when he's in a situation that makes him nervous. He also gets angry over little things sometimes. But, thankfully, at home he's a good talker and very open about his feelings. I would so much rather know what he's thinking, even if it's unpleasant, than let it stay buried in his heart.

John faithfully goes to work and faces the host of seemingly "normal" people, going about their "normal" lives. He often struggles with the feeling that he's going through the motions - talking and laughing - while he's crying on the inside. He's watched co-workers give tours to their wife and daughter, or be met after work at the door by happy little girls... Those are the days that really gut-punch him. So he will come home and look at hundreds of pictures of Ellie, listen to her favorite music, and cry. John's days off tend to re-charge him. He loves hiking with Ethan, watching movies with me, working in the yard... The home times seem to be the balm to his wounds.

I tend to be pretty up and down. When I get lost in the decorating and art projects, I tend to feel the happiest - the most normal. But when I'm not doing those things, I don't seem to know who I am anymore. It's strange. The one thing that I used to be completely solid on was exactly who I was. I don't know that I've ever gone through an "identity crisis" of these proportions. Most of the time I just feel uncertain. I don't know what to wear, what to do, what to say... I simply don't know. It's a big blank. Being creative is about the only constant, but I even struggle with that sometimes. I was trying to paint the other day, and found myself praying and begging God to help me know how to paint. I just couldn't do it - I didn't know what to do. That seems to be a recurring theme for me. It reminds me of something that happened with Ellie when we were in the hospital in Florida. She was nauseous from the chemo, and we had to give her an oral antibiotic. She had to take it, so so we worked with her, begged her, threatened her, encouraged her... Nothing was working. It had been hours of torture for all three of us. I will never forget the moment when she was sitting on the toilet. She started sobbing and put her head down in her hands and just kept saying "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do..." I think that our hearts broke into a thousand pieces at that point. But that's how I feel. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to make it better. I knew that I would never be the same person that I used to be, but I just didn't expect to have the old me replaced with a question mark.

I've also taken to hearing Ellie in my head. I've gone through periods of numbness, and then phases of severe pain over memories and pictures. Now I've taken to hearing her voice and seeing her expressions with such clarity. Sometimes it hurts, and other times it's almost comforting. Something will happen, and I'll hear Ellie's dry little sarcastic comeback in my head. It cracks me up sometimes. Other times I will see something that she would so appreciate and her reaction to it will play out in my head. Mostly I like it. But it just breaks my heart that I can't touch her. That's the part that I miss the most - the feel of her. It's the part of her that no pictures, videos, memories or thoughts of her can reach.

So... that's where we're at. It's not pretty. But it's not as bad as it's been. I guess that's the part of grief that I do have figured out - it's a process. Ever changing. Very individual. And there's no way out except through. I'm sorry, I don't want to go through. I want one of those convenient little exits like they have hidden throughout Ikea. But there aren't any exits out of this chaos. Still... there are the loving arms of my Father, God. And just now I heard His "I love you." It came in the form of a very energetic hug from a small cheetah named Duma.

Thanks!

Thank you all for the really nice comments about our house! It was fun to share with you, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it.

I am definitely not an interior designer, but have gathered experience over the years by helping friends and family with their homes, not to mention experimenting in my own home(s). My friend Tricia has challenged me to learn more and broaden my horizons, as well as given me her own, very talented and artistic perspective. We have often been delighted in collaborating our unique visions into one finished product that exceeds our own separate ideas.

I've always loved art as well, but found the best fit for me when I found myself in need of artwork for some of my decorating projects. That is usually my best inspiration for art. When it's not a space that inspires me, it's a person (or combination of both). I love to create a piece of art for a specific person. Just thinking about them and praying for them ends up inspiring the whole piece. Since being in Montana, I have also found great inspiration in nature, but I still seem to need the human element to complete the vision. I believe that art (like home decor) is very much about people. I love trying to see life and beauty through another's eyes! The two pieces of art in my home were ones that were solely inspired by the need to be creative. With no other parameters to go on, I ended up creating something that I loved for my own home (which is not something that I can say about every other piece I've created). So that's my art/home decor history in a nutshell. I hope it helps to answer any questions that you may have...

As always, thank you all for your love and support. Thank you for sticking with us through the pain and sadness and for delighting with us in our joy... and for being there when the tears come back again. So many ups and downs. Thank you for staying on the roller coaster ride!

Our Home...

Finally! I have pictures for you. There are several spots that still need work, but it's finished enough for you to see the vision. I took a TON of pictures because I wanted to give you a good idea of the whole house and how one room leads to the next, etc... I also took some close ups of details that I thought you might like - I'll put those pictures after the overview of each room. Hope you enjoy the tour! :-) I'm sorry the pictures are all different sizes. I tried to make them the same, but for some reason it didn't work.

THE MUD ROOM
While not very exciting, we've found that it's one of the most important rooms of the house! It's still unfinished. I need to paint (planning on doing the same color as the kitchen cabinets - a light blue-green). All the trim will be painted white (and in some cases added where it's missing). But you can at least get the general idea.

This is the view from the inside - out the glass door. The rest of the pictures continue counter clockwise from this point:


All of our miscellaneous sundries...


The door on the right goes into our bedroom. When we split the house as a duplex to share with Loretta, this was going to be our side. Now it's the bedrooms. The door to the left of the stars is our living room - was to be Loretta's side.


The end of the mudroom - directly across from the living room door.


And back around front again.


THE LIVING ROOM
The tour of the lving room starts on the right wall and moves around counter clockwise.

This wall is unfinished. It is, obviously, missing the "H" in Ethan's name. It has taken me months to get all of these letters from Wal-Mart. They apparently do not believe in carrying a complete alphabet - ever. I also have some vinyl lettering on order to add some color and break up the endless straight lines. The curtains are just hanging on the wall - there's no window there. But there's a window direcly across from it and we plan to put a mirror on this wall that will be framed out like the window. It should really help bring more natural light in. I also like how the curtains soften the endlessly long wall.

The door on the right leads to the kitchen, and the curtain on the left is covering the opening to John's office. It's actually the size of a walk-in closet and right now it's full of stuff to be put sorted and put away. So I'll not show you that room.

This is our dining room table. It is Loretta's and is a wonderful thing! It folds down this small and holds four chairs inside it.










The view from the window.


My office! Tricia and Kim, you will appreciate this. I found it at Staples. Well you know that I never seem to find good deals on anything. It is a beautiful piece - wood and wood veniers. It was on sale for $150 (from $300+). I didn't really want to pay even $150, but figured it was still a good price for what it was. It was the floor model. I took the card up to the counter to pay and it ended up being $52. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Things like that just don't happen to me.






View from the front window. That's Mike and Reni's house peeking up over the hill.










These are animals that Ellie drew. I used a color copy to make copies of her art so that I wouldn't destroy the originals. Then I cut out the anmials and placed them on backgrounds that I made in cohesive colors. I just love these! She did an amazing job.




Notice the river with the crocodile eye sticking up out of it. I had to cut out her river along with the crocodile. I thought that was so cute.


And yes, there is an elephant in my room!


I love these pictures of the kids. Ethan has his arm around Ellie exactly the same way that she held him when he was born. I have some vinyl words to put up around these pictures. It's going to say: "Protector, Champion, Friend."


Some of you will recognize this piece. I have modified it to be an ottoman!


This is the figurine I told you about!






BATHROOM AND KITCHEN

The bathroom and kitchen have entrances from both the bedroom and living room because we were going to share them when it was a duplex.

Yes, it's a shower - not overly exciting except that it's in the kitchen! But it gives you perspective... The kitchen is to the right and the bathroom is to the left.


The toilet is in this little room to the left of the shower. The curtain in the bathroom leads to the closet - our only closet. I'm not going to show you because it's messy - not finished yet - and boring.


This was the only angle I could take the picture from because the bathroom's so small!


This is the view from the door to the living room. The funky little closet there is not finished. It houses the hot water heater, but there's plenty of room for more. We still need to frame it out and put shelves in it. I'm thinking of making the bottom half a very small table with a barstool so that Ethan can sit and be in the kitchen sometimes while I cook. Then the toaster oven can go above. We don't have an oven, so that's what I cook in (other than on the stove top). And of course, that's the fridge across from the closet.


All I have to say here is, yes, I really do need that many towels. Remember that this is the only sink in the house.


That is my silverware hanging below the window. And the dish drainer area at the far right is not finished. There is a huge unit that takes the radon gas out of the water that sits in that corner. It needs to have a special removable top installed. We ended up leaving out the entire corner cabinet in order to fit the unit. We will custom make something to finish it off. You will be able to see it better in other pictures. I can watch deer outside this window while I do the dishes.


Ahhhh - and THIS is my masterpiece! (You can see the unfinished cabinet is where the trash can is sitting.)














The little round tins are spice containers that are magnetically stuck to a strip.








OUR BEDROOM

This is looking from the mudroom door and goes clockwise. The colors may look a little off - at least they do on my computer. The blue looking wall is actually more green than blue, a kind of soft blue-green. Just a few shades darker than the kitchen cabinets. And the curtains are a variation on the same green that's throughout the house. The green that I've used as an accent color in the living room is more green apple, and this green is a little more dark celery. The kichen has both greens. Also - the bed is only temporarily on the floor. John is going to build a platform to put it on. I also have ordered a vinyl quote (from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem "How Do I Love Thee?") that will go on the wall.


The door to the right of our bed leads to Ethan's room. His room is so tiny that we store his clothing in the dresser that you see in this picture, and some of his toys in another dresser in our room.


The view from the window. That is the side of the beatiful new barn that was just built by John's uncle Dick.



This dresser holds some of Ethan's toys. I'm planning to paint it... just haven't decided what I want to do yet.


My make-shift vanity - it's a work in progress.


View from that window.


And we've made it back to the mudroom door!


Do your recognize these mirrors, Joanne? The door leads to the shower/kitchen - see next picture.












I painted this when we came out here for our month long visit in June.


Yes, I am crazy and will do anything in the name of interior design. Those jars are full of my left over paint for the house. I needed to store the paint for touchups. The jars looked so pretty full, and then I realized that they matched everything (of course). So.... what can I say?


These are some of our favorite pictures (and memories) of New York.




I love these curtains (Vintage Moden - Thomas O'Brien, at Target). I also love how the circles are mimicked in the candle sconces (by Wal-Mart - go figure!)


They weren't long enough, so I added a brown linen piece.


ETHAN'S BEDROOM



His view:




We are planning to build a bed up above these toy shelves. That should give him more space to play.


Ethan was so happy that I put these pictures up. He said "Oh she looks so cute! I just love her little bald head." I also hung a family picture on the opposite wall.


A handy-dandy Ikea stuffed animal holder!


Why? Because a boy must have his weapons!